thanksgiving

this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

next post won’t be a rant. i promise.

106

i decided to weight myself yesterday. i was alone in the room with the scale and i just felt like i had to know. and what do you know? i was 106 pounds.

i suppose i wished it were less… 100. 90s. something like that, but i wasn’t upset. i wasn’t happy, though… just neutral. i guess that’s ok.

AAAND i measured it midway through the day after eating and chugging 32 oz of water (i was/ am sick… with swine flu ) and i was bloated because of my big p…. ok, now i’m just making excuses, but i’m guessing that my true weight is more like 105.

but whatever. the point is that either way my exel document that tracks my calories and calculates my suspected weight loss is actually right on which is pretty cool. it means i’ve been pretty darn accurate in guessing calories. (yay)

erm… yeah.

if i can just lose 7 more pounds i’ll be happy. 98. it’s a nice number

a woman who changes here hair is about to change her life

that’s a quote from Coco Avant Chanel (well… maybe not 100% accurate, but you get the gist), which i had the pleasure of seeing.

seriously, if you like fashion and/ or audrey tautou, SEE IT!!!

anyway, the reason why i titled this post with that quote is that i just got my hair cut. ALOT. i’m talking nine inches of thick auburn (i wonder how many pounds i lost… ). what used to hit my lower back doesn’t even reach my breasts and it feels REALLY weird.

but i think i like it.

anyway… since we’re on the subject of Coco Chanel, how about some stills from the movie?

^^^ my favorite picture

 

^^^ another favorite

apparently, audrey’s next film comes out next year. *sigh* so long to wait….

thinspiration 11/10

wooo.

thanks to babybabeox…

i won an award. yay!

woot woot!

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey
1. Where is your cell phone? no idea
2. Your hair? long, wavy, and red-ish
3. Your mother? awesome
4. Your father? no comment
5. Your favorite food? right now, udon
6. Your dream last night? i was dying
7. Your favorite drink? soy milk
8. Your dream/goal? currently, the college i applied ED to
9. What room are you in? kitchen
10. Your hobby? knitting, shopping, poetry
11. Your fear? weight and tarantulas
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? amazing grad-school
13. Where were you last night? EMT class
14. Something that you aren’t? tall
15. Muffins? of course!
16. Wish list item? a new long sweater in navy or dark brown, among other things
17. Where did you grow up? new york city
18. Last thing you did? car incident :-/
19. What are you wearing? nothing very flattering
20. Your TV? flat screen
21. Your pets? bunny and hamster
22. Friends? odd
23. Your life? always interesting
24. Your mood? tired
25. Missing someone? a bit
26. Vehicle? my lovely car (who’s a bit upset with me right now)
27. Something you’re not wearing? a scarf
28. Your favorite store? urban outfitters
29. Your favorite color? grey
30. When was the last time you laughed? 8th period
31. Last time you cried? 3 hours ago
32. Your best friend? not sure
33. One place that I go to over and over? school and home
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? my mom
35. Favorite place to eat? sushi

and i’m passing it on to georgiajd and linnxy!!!

everybody loves a winner, so nobody loves me

i think i’ve been watching too much glee… but this actually describes how i feel, at the moment. i went over my allotted the day before halloween by 300-something (WTF?!? i’m still so pissed) and the day after (yesterday) my deficit was less then 100. and all weekend my thighs looked bigger and my size-2 jeans didn’t hang on me like they did only a week before.

so today and this week i’m trying to do A LOT better… especially because i have a party on thursday with some friends whom i haven’t seen in a while, and i just NEED them to notice how my thighs are beginning to shape up.

it’s a very stressful time… also because the quarter is ending at school (grades!!!) and i applied early decision to a school that i’m beginning to feel less and less confident about.

i need a pick-me-up, and that means… THINSPO!

are these repeats??? i feel like they might be…

anyway, enough about me. how are you guys? it’s been a long time.

EDIT: they are. here’s more:

yay

another dream

so i had this dream last night that somehow my mom got a list of my weights or something… anyhow, the moral of the story is that saw that i’d lost 15 pounds (in real life it’s 8-something) and was, obviously, concerned

i made up some BS about puberty and babyfat or something, but she insisted that at dinner that night i eat a bit more.

i wasn’t concerned though, because i was too happy about having lost 15 pounds when i didn’t think i’d lost that much.

i just wanted to share the excitement

worried

this is going to sound slightly paranoid– nay, EXTREMELY paranoid, but that’s what applying to college ED has done to me.

ok, so i’m worried about what happened with my big p this month. i mean, it didn’t really happen! this might be tmi, but there wasn’t even any real bleeding– just spotting. i pumped up my calories during the week too! it was up to around 1100-1300 most days! and it’s not like i’m anywhere even remotely near dangerously skinny.

but what if this means i can’t get pregnant? i mean, i don’t want a baby now; i’m only in high school! but if some magic occurs that lets me find a guy i really love love me back, then i’d like to have the possibility, you know?

wait… could this have anything to do with my being on birth control pills? (it’s a low dose)

the increasingly rare mid-week post

i have a really light homework day today (YAY!!!) so i thought i’d post.

i hope you’re all well! i have my big p… which is lighter than usual. is it just my imagination or could it be from losing weight? not that i’ve lost much…

fun fact: it was snowing today. in october. and i don’t even live THAT far north… i’m not quite in new england.

erm… i feel like i have so much i wanted to say but i can’t remember…

ok. randomness: i LOVE how men’s fingers and hands are so large compared to mine (i’m petite). it makes them seem so strong… like one of them could lift me up, put me in his backpack, and take me on a hike.

well, enough of that. thinspo:

^^^i LOVE these thighs

anyway, i remembered: i wanted to tell you that i’ve stayed around 1000 the past 2 days and i plan on doing the same today. i have to get back on track!!!

fat weekend

i looked in the mirror today and my thighs were DEFINITELY bigger. i tried to tell myself that it was just my imagination, but it’s not. they rubbed more, and the fat spread out more when they were shoved against the seat of chairs.

yuck.

i mean, i didn’t go over my alloted cal after that last time, but i got too close to that maximum number… much closer than i like and than i usually get to it.

but today i’m at 1080… and if we do any lifting at EMT that can go down. so i’m feeling alright about that.

except tomorrow my big-p is supposed to come which means i’m going to be at my hungriest, and how am i supposed to stay under my limit if i hardly could when i wasn’t having strange cravings? that makes me nervous.

sorry. this isn’t a very fun post… i’m just feeling very anxious about my weight. i mean, i was feeling SO GOOD for a few weeks there… and now the contrast to how i’m feeling now is just depressing.