two craptastic pages later…

my paper’s at its brain-vomit stage right now, and as a perfectionist, i HATE this stage. i’ll admit it’s pretty neat for brain vomit, and if i combine a few of the paragraphs i have right now and add some quotations, i’ll have a pretty decent start to the body-portion (as i have yet to write my introductory paragraph)… but this stage takes a lot out of me. it really does.

luckily, school’s cancelled tomorrow so i’ll have the day to work, but i’m determined to finish tonight so that i can just relax.

anyway, i needed a break and thought, what’s a better break than posting some thinspo for the nice people of wordpress? and then i realized that there is no better break (aside from things that i shouldn’t be doing… if you catch my drift. not that i’m a big  rebel or anything because i’m not. i have friends who are, so i’m not against it, but that’s not my style. i’m more passive; i enjoy the fantasy but am too afraid to live in the reality)

^ jenny is the best GG thinspiration, in my opinion

this one, i REALLY need to comment on. i’d seen bloggers going on about jessica stroup’s style and how skinny she is and i FINALLY understand and have decided to try to watch 90210 if i can find the time. i guess i’m a jessica stroup convert, so you’ll be seeing much more of her. and don’t you just love the before and after, here? it gives me hope

hurrah! i’m going to eat an orange and get back to work!

up down

i have to write a MASSIVE essay and i promised myself i wouldn’t post until i was done, but i have a teensy question that i’ve been meaning to ask for a few days:

has anyone here tried the UpDayDownDay diet?

http://www.johnsonupdaydowndaydiet.com/html/how-to-do-the-diet.html

i got this link from another blogger who was talking about it (if it was you, let me know! i honestly don’t remember…) and i, of course, checked it out. i entered my info and voila! tempting results:

on an up day i could eat 1800 cal and on a down day i’d only have to stick to 630.

tempting indeed…

i’m not thinking about doing it now or anytime soon, but it’s nice to have a backup plan because i really don’t want to fall off the wagon again.

middle-of-the-day thinspiration

happy monday, everyone! i’ve found a computer so i’m going to post!

102.8

I had yet another sunday weigh-in and now i’m at 102.8. first i was happy about that because the number in the ones place was one less, and then i was angry when i realized that the number as a whole was only .2 less (1/5 a lb) but then i remembered that i’m probably at least somewhat bloated because of the time of the month, so then i was happy.

and then i had 1000 cal worth of mexican food, and now i’m sad.

i still have time to do some exercise, though, and the rest i’ll make up tomorrow. plus, i’m sure that number isn’t the most anyone’s eaten during the super bowl, right?

^beautiful calves!

ugh

worst. day. ever.

i didn’t have time to think about my body once the entire school day. i haven’t done that since eighth grade when i was cute and tiny…

i’m just really stressed and not doing well this semester because my of my stress, but then i end up stressing out even more because i’m not doing well…

am i making sense? nothing inside my head right now’s making sense.

forget it. pictures:

^ballerina-esque <3

^i’m loving the retro-chic… i wish my legs could pull off white tights

writing on my hand

i was in a bit of a rush yesterday so i completely forgot to share a trick i’m trying out: writing my current goal weight on my hand.

the two nines are written very small, of course, because i don’t want to draw attention to them. and they’re strategically placed so that if i’m wearing long sleeves, they’re hidden (as my arms are short for a lot of sleeves).

it’s nice to peek at them. someone offered me a cookie yesterday, and i looked at my numbers and said no. i regretted declining at first, but it feels so good to type this!!! i need to hold on to this feeling to give me more strength…

but, yes. this is what i’ve started doing. i don’t know how original it is; i just kind of did it monday in school without thinking about it, but i bet others have done the same. regardless, if you’re curious, give it a try if you haven’t!

today’s thinspo:

^ i’ve started to get into pictures w/ boyfriends (maybe because i’m single… ) so this won’t be the last of its kind you see on here!

i also just wanted to let you guys know that you’re awesome! seriously.  i LOVE receiving your comments; they’ve lifted my mood so many times!

so, thank you. i’m glad i’ve found such wonderful people here.

quickie quick quick

i seem to have come upon some stomach trouble, so i can’t eat a lot. yay!

it’s really been a mood-booster.

anyway, i was in the mood for some thinspiration but i need to go somewhere, so it’s gotta be quick!

^???

103

i’m 103. exactly.

103.0

when i was visiting relatives over the holidays, i was 103.3 and i though for sure i’d gained since then.

i guess not.

4 more pounds til i’m in the 90s once more. excuse my language, but shit that’s exciting! i remember hopping on that scale two years ago and being 96 and going to a party and looking so freaking good! i actually LIKED those picture when i saw them on facebook. (unlike my junior prom ones… *shudders*)

i hope you all are having similar victories!

poll thing i’ve always wanted to try

Favorite Diet Food: little oranges, all berries except strawberries, sweet potatoes

Favorite Binge Food: cake, cookies (sweet things)

Favorite Exercise: dancing, walking around the mall, running (sometimes)

Thinspo: petite girls and actresses (audrey tautou ESPECIALLY!!!)

When Did It Start? 15 (though there were hints at 14)

Does Anyone Know?  nope

Do You Want Help? nope

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS

Are You In A Relationship? no (sigh)

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? on the thin side but not the thinnest (yet…;) )

I AM -
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic (even I dont know..)

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[] I could avoid food
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[ ] I am 5′5.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARASSMENT
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[ x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. <–story of my life!
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.

HONESTY
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[ x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[ x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[] I’ve woken up crying

my thighs

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…