a recent comment

May 4, 2009

i received a comment on one of my posts from someone who recommened i get help; it worked for her and now she feels great.

i COULD get help. that’s true. it would be easy, theoretically; i’d just tell my parents i want to go back to my therapist.  but i saw her for a year awhile back and i never went into my ED with her… i never even hinted. i couldn’t bring myself to do it– to admit it. plus, i’m underage so she probably would have had to tell my mom who was and is already worried enough about me.

my other reason for not seeking help? i kind of want to see how far i can go, how skinny i can get. it’s sick and dangerous and i probably will back away (i hope) before i go too far but i’m curious. it’s like a challenge for me.

i guess i just wanted to say that it’s not as easy as it sounds. “get help” (even though it wasn’t meant at all cruelly in the comment) sounds easy. it’s two words, for crying out loud! but i can’t. and i won’t admit that i’m even more troubled than i appear. i guess i just wanted to share that.


8 Responses to “a recent comment”

  1. mayaghosn said

    hey! i just came past your blog and you remind me a lot of myself… i’m 5’1 and currently 108 lbs when i was at a stable 98lbs just earlier this year 😦 i can’t believe i let myself get this out of control…

    hopefully we can help each other lose weight the HEALTHY way!
    i’m starting a healthy new diet tomorrow and going on it for 33 days until my senior trip, where i want to look my best! it’d be great to hear from you 🙂

  2. intheheadofed said

    Just letting you know I have been where you are. Sometimes it helps knowing you aren’t alond. I sought help, it only seemed to make things worse. I decided to accept my ED and move on.

  3. Ingrid from Norway said

    I apprechiate that you took my comment seriously. Or at least your way. I wish you all the best. Were like sisters, we are in the same boat. Only I have gotten further. And I know how I feel now, and I feel so much better than before. ED is also a depressiaon, just like the difficulties with food and feelings.

    I recomment that you take a look on this web page, http://www.something-fishy.org. (Click on the online support) I became a member, and got allot of motivation and I felt good. I felt the importance of life. To hear the different stories and similar things we go through, make me feel stronger and “better” about my anorexia. To find out that you are not alone, is good to know. You don’t need to know that you are ready to recover, or try to get help. There are people who lives with ED and some who have recovered. I hope I see you there.

    You know, there are people who cares about you, and they might feel the pain you hide behind your smile. They might also carry allot of baggage and sorrow by seeing you suffer that much, and see that you feel that you deserve the pain. I’ll say it again, I discovered it’s not worth it. “Feelings can’t hurt you. They can feel intense. But they can’t hurt you. It’ trying to run away from your feelings that hurts like hell.”

    If you allowed me, I would give you something that hit hard in my heart and gave me true strength.

    You can be loved,

    even if you are not perfect
    even if you don’t know the answer
    even if you are horribly confused
    even if you can’t make anyone feel better
    even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
    even if you made a mistake
    even if you don’t know how to be
    even if you are ashamed
    even if you are hopeless
    even if you don’t quite fit in
    even if you are scared
    even if you are lonely
    even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
    even if you don’t think so
    even if you haven’t found your place yet
    even if you aren’t proud of yourself
    even if no one has really seen you before
    even if you don’t know what to do
    even if you try too hard
    even if you’re disappointed
    even if you don’t really like yourself right now
    even if you are beyond good advice
    even if you don’t know how to cry
    even if you think this post must be meant for someone other than you

    By Jen Lemen

    Love, Ingrid. Take care

    • karnii said

      thank you for that. those words are true… but i always seem to forget them.

      how have you worked through your ED? do you have any personal tips?

      • Ingrid from Norway said

        Hi I’m not through my anorexia. I still have the terrible and kind of convinsing words by the Devil, that I call my ED. But I don’t stuggle so much that I did. I’m doing better and better.

        I did allot of things to be where I am now. I did boxing, I gave my feelings words by writing poems, draw, paint, schoolpapers and I wrote in my journal. I wrote my goals and dreams in life, joined http://www.something-fishy.org, talked to by friends, family and therapist. I contacted a famous blogger in Norway, who worked out her anorexia. Seeing her today, gibves me hope. When she had anorexia, she was really not pretty. When I see her today, she’s the most gorgeous girl I know. So getting support palys a big role, towards recovery/living.

        Recovery and a healthier you, is: “Living in stead of just survive”

        So I thing expressing yourself, instead of letting your emotions out by saying no to food. My therapist say I have to translate my feelings through letting my emotions out, the huma way. Cry, make a statement, laugh, be angry, ect.

        But through art is a great way. So to take photos, would be great for you. Photograph what you thing your true emotions are.

        There are som many resons for our illness. There can be difficulties in the past, the feeling of “contol” and that ED somethimes feel like a shield, which protects. But that’s maby true, but before the thing you hide from, don’t kill you before ED does. So thing about that, do you want to die?

        Everyone who gets an eating disorder, think their unbeatalbe. They will be under control, just when they bet “skinny” enough. The truth is that they will never be skinny enough before it pass away.

        “When you sense a faint potential for happiness after such dark times, you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you facefirst out of the dirt”

        But I have to thank you, I feel great, after letting my words and emotions to you. While I’m writing I kind of “feel” my words. It’s not something I just say, to sound in control or extraordinary, I feel it with my heart. Thank you, to make me feel that way.

        “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow what you were.” -Cherie Carter-Scott

  4. karnii said

    Thanks, Ingrid. when i get up the courage to beat this thing, i’ll definitely use your words of wisdom!

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