post- freakout

May 21, 2009

alright… so after i had that rude awakening, i decided to get down to buisness. i signed up for the PS Evolution forum and even bought a calorie-counter bracelet from there (http://www.ps-evolution.com/beadbracelets.html) which i am SO EXCITED to get. i just want it to come in the mail now! i hope it’s cute…

i think that i’m afraid to really commit to this ana thing… i mean, i want to and my body wants to but my brain keeps telling me that i’ll go too far… or maybe it’s not that at all. maybe this is just another one of my self-destructive tendencies (like circling the answer on the test that i KNOW is wrong); i know that i’m stubborn and if i want to lose weight i’ll lose it, so i keep making up excuses because i don’t really want to be happy with myself. i’m afraid.

does that make sense?

anyhow, here’s some more pictures from that blog:

17

19

20

this is kind of what my body looks like :-/

this is kind of what my body looks like :-/

22

^^^ that last one’s one of my favorites, i think.

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4 Responses to “post- freakout”

  1. linnxie said

    I think it’s actually good that you haven’t commited yourself fully to ana. I haven’t done it either because I’m scared that I might go to far as wel. For people with anorexia, it really is true that one can never be too thin. Despite being dangerously underweight, anorexics see a fat person when they look in the mirror. What they don’t see is the tremendous physical and emotional damage that self-starvation inflicts, so they continue to diet, fast, purge, and over-exercise. Okay I know I’m doing this too. But I want to be thin so that I can be happy not because I want to have control. If you go to far into this ana stuff. It will take your happiness away because you’ll never be happy with your body. And I want to be happy with it so that I can show it of 🙂
    You can also die from being anorexic, and I want to live and stay healthy. Therefore I say I’m kind of anorexic. I always look at my BMI to know that I haven’t gone to far. It also said by ana girls that they don’t want to leave the house because others look at them i a weird way.I want to be envied in a good way. And not that everybody thinks I’m ill or a freak.
    I don’t think the thinner the better. I think you should be so thin that you’re healthy. But just healthy! You understnd?

    • karnii said

      i COMPLETELY understand! i think that’s part of the reason i’m attracted to the method too… the control. i LOVE having control. 🙂 and being envied… i think i’d enjoy that.

      and thanks! i never really thought of using my BMI to make sure i’m not too skinny, as in the past, i always used it to try to assure myself that i wasn’t too fat.

  2. Effy said

    I so agree! I want the control too! And not eat when i’m agressive or sad instead of binging.

    Where’s the first picture from? It looks like gossip girl, am I right? Those kids look so scary sorta.

  3. karnii said

    i’m not sure… i just found it on the blog i mentioned a few posts back. it does look like they’re in central park though…

    and yeah. i getcha. i always find myself eating when i’m bored. or just home from school when i’m completely exhausted. i think that that’s where most of my daily calories come from… any tips?

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