July 31, 2009

he’s home! he’s home! my love-crush is home! which means he’s safe… which means he didn’t get killed by a giant spider. 🙂

i’ve been waiting for this day for over a month. a frickin MONTH! and now it’s here. and he’s back in the same country as me, in the same state. and i WOULD feel happy…

if i didn’t have to go away tomorrow! which means that i’m going to have to wait a whole other week to see him… maybe even two if practice happens to get rained out on my one possible day that i could see him when i return.


i want to be perfect for him. i want to be beautiful, smart, and skinny. but not too skinny… guys don’t like girls who are ALL bone. but high 90s. that would be a compromise. 🙂

i miss him. he’s here somewhere, but i miss him. i miss undoing my scarve as we talk about cats when i’ve just come in from the cold and the way he looks at me when i’ve done or said something funny. it’s so beautiful that it hurt me… with such pleasurable pain for i knew it wouldn’t last.

and it hasn’t. that moment isn’t with me now… only in my memory. and i’m probably remebering it wrong (memories can be deceptive, you know).

gosh, i need to see him.

ok… so i just made something really cool.

first, i slathered some tomato sauce on the bottom of a small bowl and sprinkled a bit of cheese on top.

then, i put in maybe a cup of brown rice.

then i poured a bit of sauce over that and sprinkled some more cheese (a small amount).

i bet it’s not too many calories either… maybe 200? maybe less…?

it’s cooling right now, so i’ll let you know how it is! 🙂

3 posts in one day?!? or is it 4…. hmmm….

whatever. i have no life. 🙂




ok… i don’t remember saving ANY of these pictures… :-/


this one i do. yay models!!!


but not this one… though i like it. her hair just says “beach.” i love it!

dinner was ok. really ok.

no, it was fun. i took my tranq, loosened up and had some AMAZING pizza! seriously, it’s awesome. thin crust, a bit of sauce, a dusting of cheese.

oh, gosh. it’s heaven. i need to go there again soon.

and i ended my day at 1065 calories. so, yeah. i got all hyped up for no reason. i hate anxiety.

new subject? great!

July 30, 2009

so… i went running today for the first time after that field hockey practice. my back felt a lot better, so i figured it’d be ok.

and it was. i mean, it was painful; my legs still kill. but it was ok. it was manageable. aside from the intense cramp that i got that made me think that my appendix was rupturing…

so yeah. good times.

tonight, i’ve been invied to dinner. like the queen. but OMG i’m sooo freaking scared/ anxious! they’re family friends, so i have to figure that it’s about the food. i mean, i have to assume that they’re cooking and i’ve never had their cooking. and i’m vegetarian. and i’m on a diet.

AHHH! how am i going to get through this? should i take a tranquilizer? i think that would be best; sometimes i’m rude when i’m having an anxiety attack and i wouldn’t want to spoil their day.

i did a very bad thing. i very very bad thing.

you see, i love you guys. if you’re reading this or have ever read my blog, or have even glanced at my blog, i love you. because i need support. we ALL need support– especially us with EDs.

but, you see. i let you down. and i don’t know if any of you know it. well, i know one person did. she was kind enough to leave a comment, which in my shakey, anxiety medicinal haze, i deleted.

ok. maybe i shouldn;t use the word “haze.” that implies that it was accidental. it wasn’t; i was just ashamed.

so here it is: that website where my friend is selling her clothes? that friend is me. i was advertising– ADVERTISING– on this blog, my sacred grounds. i’ve been a very, very bad little ana.

so, i am sorry. deeply sorry. and to repent, i will make you all bracelets! (seriously)

so… i hope that you all forgive me, because again, i love you and would be nothing without you.

alright, so a friend of mine is selling some of her old (and new) clothes.

most of the pieces are small sizes (xs and s) AND there are losts of accessories and shoes, AND the site is updated contanstly with more stuff!

so, please please please… i ask just one favor of you: go check it out. just a glance. if you’re really kind you’ll tell your friends, add it to your blogroll. or even buy something. if you do that, i will love you forever! 🙂

so here’s the link: http://recyclingfashion.blogspot.com/

if you tell her that karnii sent you, you may even get a discount. 😉

so i went

July 28, 2009

… to field hockey, that is.

we started off with a long 2.5 mile run (with hills) and then did regular drills for and hour and a half.

it sucked; i feel like my legs are going to fall off. but i’m glad i went. it feels good to be back in it… AND get a good work out.

but when i put on my jeans right after practice, i feel like my hips got wider than before practice (when i was wearing the same jeans). is it possible that i can gain muscle that fast?

so if anyone can help me solve this mystery… or even wager a guess, please do! i’m confused and annoyed!

so… so far my day hasn’t been, well, ideal.

i woke up this morning to the sounds of two leaf-blowers. leaf-blowers. at 9 am. and it isn’t even fall! what leaves are there to blow? needless to say, i was pissed off.

but somehow, i got back to sleep. until the doorbell rings. and rings again. it’s 12 pm. so i look outside and see the package truck. and i go downstairs to find out that instead of the package, they left some crap slip with spaces for signatures, going on about re-delivery and pickup.

i spend a solid 20 minutes trying to decipher this little orange slip and then i see that the package isn’t even mine. no. it’s my father’s. probably some work clothes or tennis rackets.

but that’s ok because i’m going to a movie tonight. i’m happy. i can relax and do my summer assignments and then go out and have fun like a normal teenager.

but no. i get a text and apparently there is a field hockey practice– all running, i might add– that i’m expected to attend. joy.

so now, i’m going to have to die at practice and wait until tomorrow to see the movie. isn’t that just dandy?!?

so now i’m watching skins on my laptop, eating dried fruit and drinking TONS of water in attempt to prepare myself for the slaughter.

*sigh* how badly i’d like to not go. but i know that i should; it’s now or never. if i start showing up, i’ll look good– both to the coaches and physically– and it’ll make tryouts that much tolerable.

so i’m gonna do this. i’m gonna show up. i feel extrmemly nauseas just typing those words so PLEASE wish me luck!!!

ps. it’s possible that my love may be returning today. i hope this is the case.

17 hours

July 26, 2009

last night, i slept for 17 hours. no, 17.5 hours. how crazy is that?!? i woke up at 5:30 pm today… and if it weren’t for my dad ringing the doorbell 5 times, who knows when it would have been!

so… yeah. we went to dinner (sushi) and then i ran. and now i’m here, eating some more because i realized that i would not have nearly enough calories today. i mean, i slept until dinner. DINNER. i missed 2 meals! i’ve never done that before… it’s kind of scary. is something wrong with me?

ugh… 300 more calories to go. i’m not even sure what i want to eat any more. maybe some ice cream?

anyway, i’m going away with my dad next week and he gave me some big new. drumroll, please… i need to bring a bathing suit. a bathing suit! luckily, i just got a nice striped bikini and i’ve been running for a while, but i’m nervous. i haven’t been in a bikini since feb of 2008, unless i’m completely forgetting something. i mean, it’s been a LONG time.

oh, wait… i was in one a little bit last summer to do some aqua therapy for my knee, but i was wearing a life vest over it. it wasn’t the same.

but anyway, i’m worried that i’m going to screw up my diet and get really fat or get sunburnt or… idk. something.

i mean, i don’t think that i can be THAT gross-looking. i had to buy xs bottoms… and a medium top since my boobs have decided to go on rampage… but yeah.

idk. i get so worried over nothing. i blame my anxiety!