July 14, 2009

why is it that i’m always 111 pounds?

a couple of weeks ago, i was 111.8. now i’m 111 flat. it’s progress, but still i’d like to get off that dang number.

in fact, i’d like to get out of those stupid double digits in the hundreds. 109. that’d be ok.

but really, i want to be back in the double digits. that’s how it’s supposed to be. 99,98,96.

i hate this stupid 111. it sucks. it’s average. i’m NOT supposed to be average. i’m supposed to be above average– which, in this case, is really BELOW average.

i think i need to amp up what i’m doing. does anyone have any tips?


12 Responses to “111”

  1. Lee said

    I stumbled upon your site while looking at pics of a favorite actress of mine (Audrey Tautou). I just wanted to write because I feel like I know where you’re at personally and with your weight b/c I was there myself. I was obsessed with weight and dropped dramatically. I too had extreme goals and thought that the skinniest girls were by far the best. My body was essentially rail thin, but I couldn’t wait to get even thinner.
    I was so obsessed with it that I didn’t realize how obvious it was to everyone else, and how clearly insecure and unhealthy I appeared. I missed out on two great relationships with great guys, and I know it’s because they could tell I wasn’t “well” or “healthy” (they said so to other people). I also realize that other things in my life led me to hate the “girl” that I was and desperately need control. At the time, though, I didn’t care what anyone thought about it and no one could convince me to stop.
    I just hope that you stay healthy and that you’re able to get your head out of this obsession. Try looking at pictures of anorexic girls in treatment – maybe you already have – so different from those model pictures right? That’s the reality – along with the toll it takes on your body and mind.
    Anyway, I just felt compelled to write to you, at least as a voice of someone who has been where you are, thought it was the ultimate goal, and now looks back on it as a dark and sad time. There’s a balance out there for you and I hope that you find it.
    Good luck.

    • karnii said

      i’m glad that you know what i’m going through, but my eating habits really aren’t that unhealthy.

      most days i eat around 1200 and burn off 200. so i really don’t think i’m in danger of becoming too thin.

      • Lee said

        Well it’s good to hear you’re not being unreasonable or risky with your eating. I’m sure you’ve got a lot going for you and are a beautiful girl – focus on that 🙂 Best wishes!

    • karnii said

      thank you! and it’s nice to hear from a fellow audrey tautou fan! (not many people know her in the states.)

  2. Brigid Catherine said

    I weight 118 so I don’t think you have anything to worry about!!! I went through the same thing tho when I got weighed at this health fair thing and this woman told me I was average, I freaked out! but now I have calmed down because i realized that I am the only person who thinks I need to lose weight, you shouldn’t let being average get to you so much! you might end up too far below average and then you could get hurt.

    • karnii said

      oh yay! it’s nice to hear from another person who knows what i’m going through!
      and i know i know… i’m just such a perfectionist! i mean, you ARE right; no one thinks i need to lose weight. “average”= “perfect” to doctors.

      i guess if i got down to 105 or 100 i’d be happy. and i believe that would still put my bmi above the low range.

  3. linnxie said

    Hi Karnii I’m feeling a bit down in the dumps right now and I feel like I can’t really write a post without really standing behind it. I’ll clearify it in my next blog, in about 5/10 days. I need to sort a few things out.

    It was inspiring to read your blogs, I know exactly how you feel. It makes me stronger to know there’s someone who understands the way I feel and kind of looks out for me. Thanx 🙂

    • karnii said

      hey, no problem! we with EDs need to be there for each other, you know?

      i hope that everything’s ok and you get everything sorted out soon! i’ll be looking out for your next post.

  4. karnii said

    hey, no problem! we with EDs need to be there for each other, you know? 🙂

    i hope that everything’s ok and you get everything sorted out soon! i’ll be looking out for your next post.

  5. karnii said

    ooops. double post.

  6. LornaJane said

    I think sometimes our bodies keep us where it is functioning at it’s most ideal for all of the body systems. The goal of the human body is homeostasis/ equilibrium so if you do something small to modify something else, your body slows something down to balance. It doesn’t want to be “thrown off”- unless you are over weight, then your body responds and looses quickly in response to small modifications b/c the body is WAY out of balance being that overweight. Once you are in your body’s happy range, it fights to stay there. So, you should really consider yourself in a well oiled machine. I have had a significant ED hx- recovered for over 10 years- I am now being triggered by a co-worker who has become body obsessed- “contest on!” and I have been doing things to increase wt loss. Nothing too extreme but it is SO weird – my weight stays the same! I mean, I literally doubled my workouts. I am also at like the perfect wt for my ht, 5’7 135. So- you can see, it is happy. It might flucuate a little- but I can’t get it to budge. I should be THRILLED b/c I have finally got my body back to health and it is functioning like it should despite losing my period in the past, losing bone mass etc. When I recognized this health- my own health and realized how much time is wasted mentally when you have an eating disorder- I actually felt bad for her and thought, hey, you go there, I feel bad for you- have fun, you will want to be where I am in a few months. Happy. Healthy. Having a waffle every couple of weeks w/ some whipped cream. Laughing. People with eating disorders stop laughing for real. I care about weight. I exercise. I know how to lose weight, i know how to become dangerously thin- however, to come back – to have my body saying, wait, this is health- that is a good thing. People actually think I weight less than I do when they look at me- call me “skinny”- what I wish I knew before ED took me over was that I would want to find that balance one day b/c going over the edge, while you like the number on the scale, that becomes your ONLY happiness. however it is all you can think about. Right now, tons of things make me happy. INcluding a nice fitting outfit, losing a pound here or there. It sounds like you are walking that line. Stay on the healthy side, you can be thin, you can be healthy, but if your weight isn’t budging and you are not overweight, think about why….. love laughs and waffles, LJ

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