got an email back

August 31, 2009

from my coach. FINALLY.

except, it wasn’t what i expected. there wasn’t even a hint of apology. it was hostile, and quite frankly, rude. some (aka my mom) might even call it “mean.”

it was pretty much him trying to cover his butt and kicking me while i’m down in the process. not nice.

and you know what? part of what he said in attempt to cover his butt was irrelevant, for it wasn’t something that coaches are even allowed to take into consideration for cuts.

what is this? off-season participation. it isn’t even ALLOWED to matter according to my school handbook. it’s a rule.

my mom says i put too much emphasis on rules, but what if everyone else is just putting too little? aren’t rules there so that we can follow them?

well, he OBVIOUSLY didn’t follow them. and then he was a jerk about it.

he’s on my “do not like” list, now.

so i’ve had a crap week. but i saw on imaginenamaste’s blog, a list of things that she was proud of about herself, regarless of crappy things that are happening. so here is my own– a list of good things about the bad things and about me:

  1. i will have more time now (for homework, friends, family, my appearance, etc.)
  2. i won’t be as tired/ stressed (goes along with ^)
  3. i don’t have to eat as much (aka i can go back on my 1000 cal diet. yay!)
  4. i get to see who my real friends are
  5. i have a small gap between my thighs (haha, random)
  6. i still have my brain (which helps me write poetry and will hopefully help me get into an ivy league college)
  7. i’m somewhat pretty (when i don’t smile)
  8. i can spend more quality time with my hobbies (fashion, bracelet-making, knitting,…)
  9. i’ll be home more, so maybe we can finally get another dog (?)
  10. i love my petiteness; love wearing children’s clothes, bracelets, etc.

you know, that made me feel good. ๐Ÿ™‚

i sent an email

August 28, 2009

to my coach, about the whole field hockey situation. i was very polite; i simply explained why being cut was such a shock (ehm, he LED ME ON!) and said that i wished the whole situation had been handled better.

maybe i’ll post it some time for you guys to read. ๐Ÿ™‚

but he hasn’t responded. i think he’s afriad of me. even though my email wasn’t mean.

or maybe he just didn’t get it yet.

i’m obsessing. i’m sorry.



did i post this already? probably


she has the BEST legs

awww! ๐Ÿ™‚


audrey tautou just makes me happy. ๐Ÿ™‚

partย  3 to come

moving on

August 27, 2009

first off, i want to thank you all SO SO much for commenting! you guys really helped me feel better ๐Ÿ™‚

i’m trying to move on. i’m waiting for school to start so i can get swept up in homework, standardized tests, and emt. i know that i’ll miss doing a sport (hence my interest in joining cross country) but i don’t think i will. unless i end up having too much time on my hands.

i’m still really mad at the coaches though. i don’t think that i explained the whole situation and i can’t now because it’s WAAAY too long, but here’s the short version:

i had a meeting with the head coach at the end of last year, during which he basically implied that if i could get my asthma under control and come out stronger in the running, i would make the team. he said absolutely NOTHING that gave me even the slightest hint that i wouldn’t.

then what? i’m cut. i’m cut AND i’m a senior (and seniors DON’T get cut… ever. any sport. not at my school)

but not only that, i’m the ONLY senior cut.

embarrassing, no?

so i’m still really mad at him, and i’m not sure how long it will take me to get over it. thing is, he was supposed to be my teacher this year (= a disaster?) so i’m currently trying to switch out of his class.

i now may have to take that class at a local college= even less time to think about what i’m missing. (but also less time to study, etc.)

i wish it didn’t happen; i wish i hadn’t been cut. but even so, i shouldn’t dwell on it. i’m trying to get out of shock-mode and back on my feet.

oh, and hopefully make some new friends.

today i’m a human again

August 26, 2009

… at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only haveย 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts. :-/

i haven’t gotten one call, one text… NOTHING.

why do i even bother with these people. do they care at all?

it’s not possible that they don’t know. i walked out and left. i cried in my car (well, maybe they didn’t see THAT part)….

i just don’t get it. it’s common courtesy, that’s all.

by the way, i think i’m going to return to pro ana. i need something right now.

warning: contains explicits

August 25, 2009

i want to take my stick and bash in the bith jv coach’s fucking head for being such a fucking bitch and beat the head coach with it (not QUITE enough to kill him) for being an inconsiderate bastard.

more to come.

went to the dinner

August 24, 2009

i’m glad i did. no coaches, but i would have felt like i was missing out.

sat with my sophys. we talked about cuts and senior cuts and goalie cuts. one of them predicts a lot of offense cuts. that would be good for me. ๐Ÿ™‚

ugh… guys ‘m FREAKING OUT! i feel full and gross and i really do think that i’m not gona make it, and i’ll be the only senior, and it’ll be embarassing…

i’m just not looking forward to tomorrow.


keep your fingers crossed for me at about 12- 1pm eastern time!!!

tryouts: day 3

August 24, 2009

today, instead of conditioning, we had our annual track day (aka hell)… but i didn’t think it was too bad. maybe i’m getting in shape?

so after running countless 20s, 40s, 60s, 80s, 100s, etc., we did some drills and i was fun! i got to practice my hits (especially my drive and slapshot) for the froshies to deflect into the goal. except, they didn’t have much luck. but they’re young; they’ll learn.

but during that drill, coach was standing off to the side for a while and watching us, so i think he saw how strong my hits have gotten (!!!). let’s hope…

and then i had my stopping test with this really intense ball machine that goes 50 mph and makes the ball hop. seriously, IMPOSSIBLE. one of my sophmores got 0 stops, and a junior who’s really intense at defense got 4. (and this is out of 10) i got 3. but when i had my practice turn, i did SO MUCH BETTER. no joke. i stopped 6, i think. i wish that one had counted…

then we did a little scrimmage and i felt like my defensive positioning came back, but i’m not quite there skillwise yet. at one point, our goalie said “watch out!” or something like that, but i didn’t know what she meant. it’s difficult with goalies, i think, because you have to find the balance between not giving them enought support and getting in their way. and communication is something that’s difficult for me, so it doesn’t always work out so well… :-/

THEN… (we had no ending conditioning…yay!) coach sat us down and talked to us. he said that he was really proud of all the effort that we’ve been putting forth, etc. but that he was still going to have to make some cuts. grrr… i’d thought (wished) that he’s forgotten about that.

so yeah… i’m nervous again.

i went to the team roster (excluding goalies) that i’ve made for myself and found 3 people other than me who i think might get cut. 2 are sophmores (one of them i REALLY REALLY like ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) who just aren’t in good enough physical shape and/or have weak skills. one of them seems to have a bad attitude, too. i’m always friendly to her, but to no avail.

the other is a junior. she’s a real story, let me tell you. last year, she came 3(?) days late to tryouts and the coaches pretty much told her to go away. i thought that was the last of her. but this year she comes out the first day but… her forms aren’t in. so she sits out the first 2 days.

yep. today was the first day she played, and with really no excuse. i mean, what is that? we’ve been working our butts off for 2 more days than her. honestly, i was suprised that the coaches didn’t make her leave this time, but i guess it’s because she DID show up on time. so i’m thinking they’re going to cut her, because coach kind of implied a while back that if you sit out during tryouts, the coaches don’t get to see you play as much… *wink wink*

and then there’s a junior who MIGHT get cut. i kind of doubt it, because she has good hits, but she’s gotten slower this year, and i never really thought she was a good player to begin with– too passive. (like me. yes, i’m a hypocrite.)

so yeah… we have a team dinner tonight; i’m still debating whether or not i should go. it;s at this pub = fatty food. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ and a lot of people to notice my new eating habits. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

BUT the head coach might be there, so maybe it would be good for me to make an appearence, even though they’re pretty much deciding the teams right now. ahhh!

coach did say that people with skill are gonna have to go. i guess i’ll have to wait until tomorrow to figure out what, exactly, that means…