another dream

October 20, 2009

so i had this dream last night that somehow my mom got a list of my weights or something… anyhow, the moral of the story is that saw that i’d lost 15 pounds (in real life it’s 8-something) and was, obviously, concerned

i made up some BS about puberty and babyfat or something, but she insisted that at dinner that night i eat a bit more.

i wasn’t concerned though, because i was too happy about having lost 15 pounds when i didn’t think i’d lost that much.

i just wanted to share the excitement 🙂


October 19, 2009

this is going to sound slightly paranoid– nay, EXTREMELY paranoid, but that’s what applying to college ED has done to me.

ok, so i’m worried about what happened with my big p this month. i mean, it didn’t really happen! this might be tmi, but there wasn’t even any real bleeding– just spotting. i pumped up my calories during the week too! it was up to around 1100-1300 most days! and it’s not like i’m anywhere even remotely near dangerously skinny.

but what if this means i can’t get pregnant? i mean, i don’t want a baby now; i’m only in high school! but if some magic occurs that lets me find a guy i really love love me back, then i’d like to have the possibility, you know?

wait… could this have anything to do with my being on birth control pills? (it’s a low dose)

i have a really light homework day today (YAY!!!) so i thought i’d post.

i hope you’re all well! i have my big p… which is lighter than usual. is it just my imagination or could it be from losing weight? not that i’ve lost much… 😦

fun fact: it was snowing today. in october. and i don’t even live THAT far north… i’m not quite in new england. 😉

erm… i feel like i have so much i wanted to say but i can’t remember…

ok. randomness: i LOVE how men’s fingers and hands are so large compared to mine (i’m petite). it makes them seem so strong… like one of them could lift me up, put me in his backpack, and take me on a hike.

well, enough of that. thinspo:






^^^i LOVE these thighs

anyway, i remembered: i wanted to tell you that i’ve stayed around 1000 the past 2 days and i plan on doing the same today. i have to get back on track!!!

fat weekend

October 13, 2009

i looked in the mirror today and my thighs were DEFINITELY bigger. i tried to tell myself that it was just my imagination, but it’s not. they rubbed more, and the fat spread out more when they were shoved against the seat of chairs.


i mean, i didn’t go over my alloted cal after that last time, but i got too close to that maximum number… much closer than i like and than i usually get to it.

but today i’m at 1080… and if we do any lifting at EMT that can go down. so i’m feeling alright about that.

except tomorrow my big-p is supposed to come which means i’m going to be at my hungriest, and how am i supposed to stay under my limit if i hardly could when i wasn’t having strange cravings? that makes me nervous.

sorry. this isn’t a very fun post… i’m just feeling very anxious about my weight. i mean, i was feeling SO GOOD for a few weeks there… and now the contrast to how i’m feeling now is just depressing. 😦


October 9, 2009

i’m a bit less bloated, but still bloated. i think it’s because this week i’ve been a tad sleep deprived, and therefore, lacking in my usual willpower.

conclusion? i ate too much.


i mean, i haven’t quite binged (though i’ve been SOOO tempted to on freshly-made rice crispy treats…) but 1100 and 1200 is not me. and my stomach has obviously been quite influenced. in fact, my stomach is always quick to change.

example: in the morning after not eating too much the day before, it may be flat, the ribs semi-apparent. looks good. then i eat breakfast… maybe just a luna bar. what happens to my stomach? the gut bumps out and any tight shirt is unacceptable.

this is why i never wear skin-tight tops.

but anyway, it’s weird. i think that my stomach likes to rebel against me.









October 6, 2009

today, i felt so fat… especially in the stomach area, and a bit in my calves. then i realized that that’s because i was/ am fat. i’m bloated!

my stomach is sticking out to mercury (especially by my rib cage) and it’s not like i ate a lot yesterday or today.

and i’m not getting my big-p either… i have 2 weeks left until that.

so, what’s going on? i really don’t need another mystery in my life right now…


October 4, 2009

hi, guys! sorry i haven’t written in a while… i’ve been really busy with homework, studying, emt, and college essays, but hopefully things will settle down soon… it’s pretty stressful here, but i hope you’re all ok.

i ate waaay too much the past 2 days. yesterday, i actually went OVER my limit so i didn’t have a deficit (it’s been SOOO long since i’ve done that) and the day before i was over 1200. yuck. and today i definitely looked fatter. my stomach wasn’t as flat and my legs were definitely heavier. and today i’ve already had 500 cal. ugh. 😦

i need to get back on track!!! i’m just so tired and stressed all the time. help!