103

January 31, 2010

i’m 103. exactly.

103.0

when i was visiting relatives over the holidays, i was 103.3 and i though for sure i’d gained since then.

i guess not.

4 more pounds til i’m in the 90s once more. excuse my language, but shit that’s exciting! i remember hopping on that scale two years ago and being 96 and going to a party and looking so freaking good! i actually LIKED those picture when i saw them on facebook. (unlike my junior prom ones… *shudders*)

i hope you all are having similar victories! 🙂

Favorite Diet Food: little oranges, all berries except strawberries, sweet potatoes

Favorite Binge Food: cake, cookies (sweet things)

Favorite Exercise: dancing, walking around the mall, running (sometimes)

Thinspo: petite girls and actresses (audrey tautou ESPECIALLY!!!)

When Did It Start? 15 (though there were hints at 14)

Does Anyone Know?  nope


Do You Want Help? nope

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS


Are You In A Relationship? no (sigh)

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? on the thin side but not the thinnest (yet…;) )

I AM –
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE –
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic (even I dont know..)

I WISH –
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[] I could avoid food
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE –
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


  • APPEARANCE
    [ ] I am 5’5.
    [x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
    [] I have many scars.
    [] I tan easily.
    [] I wish my hair was a different color.
    [] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
    [ ] I have a tattoo.
    [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
    [x] I have/had braces.
    [ ] I wear glasses.
    [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
    [] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
    [ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
    [] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
    [] I have freckles.

    FAMILY
    [] I’ve sworn at my parents.
    [ ] I’ve run away from home.
    [ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
    [] My biological parents are together.
    [ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
    [x] I want to have kids someday.
    [ ] I’ve had children.
    [ ] I’ve lost a child.

    EMBARASSMENT
    [] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
    [] Disney movies still make me cry.
    [x] I’ve peed from laughing.
    [x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
    [x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.

    RELATIONSHIPS
    [x] I’m single
    [ ] I’m in a relationship.
    [ ] I’m engaged.
    [ ] I’m married.
    [ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
    [ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
    [x] I miss someone right now.
    [x] I have a fear of abandonment.
    [] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
    [ ] I’ve gotten divorced
    [ x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. <–story of my life!
    [ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
    [] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

    SEXUALITY
    [ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
    [x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
    [] I am a cuddler.
    [ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.

    HONESTY
    [x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
    [x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
    [ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
    [ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
    [x] I am keeping a secret from the world
    [x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
    [x] I’ve cheated on a test.
    [ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

    BAD TIMES
    [ x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
    [ ] I regularly drink.
    [ x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
    [x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
    [ x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
    [x ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
    [] I’m addicted to self harm.
    [] I’ve woken up crying

  • my thighs

    January 30, 2010

    yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

    and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

    and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

    i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

    so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

    i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…

    fat day

    January 29, 2010

    i swear that i’m fatter today. i think it’s because i stopped taking these meds that have weight loss as a side-effect, so i went back on. i’m better with them anyway, as long as it’s only a small dose.

    so now i’m waiting and hoping that i’ll stop ballooning and start shrinking, because i was definitely beginning to look 100 lbs. grrr.

    holden caulfield

    January 28, 2010

    salinger’s dead. it’s weird… it feels really weird. i feel like i was just starting to know him. i mean, not in real life or anything, but i just read catcher in the rye and loved it and was planning on reading the rest of his work, beginning with franny and zooey, after i finish with kerouac’s on the road.

    and i’m still going to do that, but it’s weird. there are few famous writers who are really worthy, in my opinion.

    and now there’s one less. there will be more, but never like him; his work was groundbreaking.

    it’s just strange; death is strange. i never know what to say or what to even think of it, but i hope that there’s some sort of writer heaven. i don’t know… that might sound weird, but i hope that salinger is chatting with shakespeare right now. if so, i hope he asks old william about hamlet.

    rip

    “because it’s funny”

    January 25, 2010

    so i don’t know how the heck i managed this– i guess it must have been saturday’s getting-back-on-track high– but i got my mother to buy me the book skinny bitch. in the actual bookstore. sure, i could have just ordered it online when i got home but we were in the bookstore and it was on one of the special release shelves and i was pumped up from eating some really tasty chinese food at dinner… and i just kind of picked it up and started walking with it.

    and then we were looking at all the books we’d accumulated and she said why would you want that? all suspiciously– because in her mind i’m just so skinny that if i lose another ounce i’ll die. (uh huh. right) and so i said, because it’s funny. and it IS. but that’s not why i want it…

    and then i also got this anorexia/ bulimia diary on the sale shelf (excellent! i LOVE a good sale) i just said, wow! this should be interesting. but that one i kind of DID hide in our pile of books… 😉

    i don’t know. that was quite the feat for me!!!

    not a bad start

    January 23, 2010

    ok, so i NEED to start losing again! this is just unacceptable. but i think i got a good start this morning. a friend came around this morning and we went for a walk. good conversation AND jump-starting my metabolism for the day??? good stuff! (-100 calories)

    and then i had some breakie (275 cal) and then did some cleaning (-100 cal) and then had some lunch (200 cal).

    s0 now i’m at 275, which isn’t too bad since i just have dinner to go, but i’m going to the dreaded buffet!!! why did i agree to this? can anyone explain this to me? i can be so self-destructive sometimes…

    but at least i have room in my calories that i can slip up and have up to 800 and i’ll be ok…

    ugh, i HAVE to do this! i think i’ll go clean some more to try to burn some extra calories…

    don’t let today’s weakness ruin tomorrow’s dream, girls! 😉

    either that or i’m going crazy, but i feel like my thighs and calves are slowly expanding again and it’s driving me INSANE!

    anyone have tips? eating? exercise? i’ve gotta get this under control… 😦

    … since my computer was having a nervy-spaz:

    and more:

    yay! i hope you’re all well 🙂

    thinspiration rampage

    January 18, 2010

    in an act of procrastination, i’ve spent many hours this weekend looking for thinspo. but hey, who would study for calculus when there are so many pictures to be found? and trust me, i found A LOT! (100+) so i figured i could spare some 😉