so far today i’ve only had 250 cal, and my calorie graph i started when i started this blog last year still has a downward trend, so this is a good start.

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the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

you know that guy i’ve been talking about? well, i don’t know if i told you that we’re emailing, but we are.

kind of.

you see, i emailed him back an email and he has not replied in 3 weeks. and do you know what that does to a girl like me?

flips her out!

i mean, he’s probably just busy… but then that begs the obvious retort, too busy for me? the girl you said you’d miss? yeah right.

guys lie. they’re liars!

but what if that’s not it. (this is the scary part) what if he suddenly realized that omg i’ve been in love with him for 2 years? and now he’s avoiding me because he feels awkward because he doesn’t feel the same way…

or because he’s not supposed to.

i just wish he’d write back. to clear my head… and because i miss him. a lot. he’s in my dreams pretty much every night… :-/

this all makes me feel like such a stalker-freak. so… enough. thinspo time:

ps. wordpress is SOOO much better than blogspot. uploading pictures is a fiasco and reading other people’s blogs is so irritating that i’ve pretty much stopped doing it.

also, none of you are there. so yeah. wordpress is king!!!

97 96

July 20, 2010

today i weighed myself and i was 96.6.

yesterday i was 97.

yesterday i ate 1100 cal and drank a decent amount of water.

thus, i am likely losing water weight.

thus, i should keep drinking lots of water.

(this i know and have known for a while, but the self-destructive part in me doesn’t like doing it)

visit me my new blog!

http://katnotjas.blogspot.com/

now, before you get scared 😉 don’t worry because this blog is and will always be my number one! this new blog is of the fashion sort, something i enjoy, and something that IS NOT as important as my thoughts and feelings and ED dealing (rhyme!) which is what this blog is for. i will not slack on you guys; i love you all too much for that.

so… the posts must go on! i was sick for like 2 weeks (!) hence no posts, but i’m back, baby!

you want proof? thinspiration:

want more? i guess you’re gonna have to keep reading 😉

ciao for now!

ps. if you follow my other blog or comment or anything, i’ll be the happiest little girl in the world!

😀

that would be me. but NOT intentionally, i swear!

i’ve had stomach flu for officially a week tomorrow (my stomach’s really bad so it takes me a while to get over even small bugs…) and it hasn’t been fun. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself in the mirror these days… but the pain just isn’t worth it. it would be more difficult, but i wish my intestines would work normally so i could lose weight at least somewhat-normally. whatever that is…

anyway, i’m no longer a high school student. it’s been over two weeks but i have yet to process the fact, so that’s all i have to say on the subject. unless anyone has any specific questions, of course 😉

ummm… oh, yes. and OF COURSE i will miss him– my guy. hell, i miss him already. he hugged me though, at graduation… that was really nice. it felt right… like i didn’t even have to think about it: he held out his arms and i melted into him. i was too calm from the comfort to be happy-happy…

and now we’re emailing. we went from hugs to emails in just a couple of days. talk about a downgrade…

but it’s nice, too. better than never hearing from him again… but in person things slip out that don’t slip out in emails, and sometimes those small tidbits are the most useful… the most motivating…

and sometimes they’re about engagement rings and they crush you. but i’m better off for knowing, because now i know that this is when i need to make any sort of play that i intend to make. now, if he would only hint at the wedding date i would know about how long/ short and sneaky/ upfront this play can be.

email is really messing with my plans.

so how are all of you?

i promise to post pictures next time. i just don’t remember where i left off….