i told

October 16, 2010

i’ve been wanting someone– ANYONE– to figure it out for a long time now. to say, you look too skinny. you’re not eating enough. i’ve even hinted! talking about how i want to lose weight, how i’ve fasted for days at a time, and NOTHING!

even when i was down to around 91 no one was saying anything, so now that i’m a bit more than that, i guess i shouldn’t have expected anything either.

but it’s like i want it! i want people to care about this. they care in other ways… but sometimes that isn’t enough.

for instance, right now i’m waiting for this guy i’v found in college whom i care about and have passionate feelings for to text.

but guess what? he wont. he likes me, i think. we’re friends. but i don’t think he’ll ever REALLY care… at least, not as much as i want, and not without me having to prompt him.

oh, wait. he just did. and dinner? yeah, he isn’t coming. he’s busy. he’s always busy.

i miss the guy i had back home… well, i didn’t FULLY have him, but i had him more than i’ve ever had a guy. he cared. he didn’t have to try; he just did. and he was KIND and funny and smart and gorgeous. and he was happy to see me.

i visited him last week. i thought i was over him and we could just have a friendly conversation… and that’s how it started. i was a fool to think some college boy could ever occupy the void i’ve reserved for him. it was one of the most fulfilling conversations i’ve had… and now i know he DOES have feelings for me.

i wish something could happen there; i’m in love with him. but i love him, and if he truly believes he’s found happiness with someone else, that’s great for him. but if that’s the case, why is he so hung up in me? on that poem i wrote?

shit.

i’m confused. and when i take time to REALLY think, i’m unhappy.

anyway, i told. i need to see a counselor here in order to be given a psychiatrist, so i went yesterday. she had one of those questionnaires that she read out: have you been abused? no. have you ever harmed yourself? no.

and then she brought up body image… and i just felt the words fill my cheeks and i said, yes. i wish i were skinnier.

then she asked me if i’ve ever restricted and i said yes. she asked, now? and i think i said, a little bit (but i’m not sure).

i didn’t tell her that i binge sometimes, or that i try to purge, but i told her something and now SOMEONE knows. she doesn’t care, but she knows.

and i’m not going to stop. i’ve written 98 on my hand and i need to get back there. that’s just the way it is.

bon soir.

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5 Responses to “i told”

  1. I can definitely relate.

  2. okay. seriously, i feel like you just took the words right out of my mouth…my boyfriend is exactly like that college dude. good thing your not committed to the guy 😉 anyway, i feel for you on the weight thing. Something must have triggered that. But you do want to change that. Youve already gotten past the first part of noticing your problem and now its just tackling it. I know you can do it…i know all about tackling those huge mountains in life…mine wasnt the same genre but it was the same sized mountain…and what i think your saying in this is that you want people to notice? Don’t do this for attention…its negative attention and you want positive attention. I know in most cases it cant be controlled but if in your case it can…stop it. But if its not the attention and you just want to see if someone cares (which i do all the time with my boufriend and he fails the tests miserably) …then just know that people do care…even if they dont show it…I care.

    be healthy.
    keep writing.

    Katie 🙂

  3. Hey. I know how you feel. In the same boat here. It can be so lonely having everyone think you’re ok. Hey, at least we out here in blogworld know.
    Stiny

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