i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.

cheers

EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.

it’s only a day away

April 5, 2010

so tomorrow i start my first day sans birth control and i am SO excited!!! i really feel like this could be the start of a whole new chapter for me… i mean, i already feel happier, more free. and i know looks aren’t everything and weight’s not everything, but it’s something.

and what if the hormones from the pills have also been affecting my mood? i HAVE been crying a lot lately…

ag! i’m really hopeful this works out. 🙂

Happy day-before Easter

April 3, 2010

HEY EVEYONE  IMI’M WRITING THIS ON AN ITOUCH AND I CANTCAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE THIS THING TO UNIN CAPS AND ENTER SO I APOLOGIZE    ANYWAY IMI’M KIND OF EXCITED FOR MY FIRST VEGAN EASTEER TOMORROW BUT IMI’M STILL NERVOUS ABIUTABOUT TH CALORISCALORIE AND WUCHSUCH   ESPECIALTLY SINCE IMI’M NOT FEELING TOO GREAT ABOUT MY BODY AND PROGRESS THESE DAYS   BUT I HINK I HAVE A SOLUTION   YOU SEE IVEI’VE BEN ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR  A YEAR AND A HALF TO HELP WITH MENUSTRATION AND EVER SINCE IVEFELT FATTER   BUT I THOUGHT MAMAYBE THAT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH PUBERTY PROR EATIG HABITS BUT NOW THAT IVEI’VE BEEN EATING SO WELL WITHOUT THE RESULTS I WANT IMI’M WONDERING IF IT WAS THE PILLS AL ALONG   SO IMI’M GOING OFF OF THEM FOR A FEW MONTHS    IF MY PERIODS DONTDON’T AGREE WIHWIU HTHT IELL HAVE TO GO BACK BUT RIM HOPING IMI’M FIXED AND THT THIS WILL BE THE ANSWER IVEI’VE BEEN WAITING FOR   KAYBEMAYBE IMI’M PUTTING TO MUCH HOPE IN THIS EXPERIMENT BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN SPMETHINGSOMETHING THESE DAYS  A LOT OF CHANGES ARE TAKING PLACE IN MY SCHOOL AND EVEN THOUGH ILLI’LL BE GONE NEXT YEARE HEY UPSET ME      OK SO HOPEFULLY ILLI’LL GET BETTER AT THIS BECAUSE HE KEYS ARE REALLY FUN TO PRESS AND IDI’D LOVE TO LEARN HOW TO POST PICS   OK BYE

rebel

March 23, 2010

i want to start a protest.. preferably something passive… or secretive. would that still count as a protest?

i’m tired of not doing anything.

any ideas?

i love these quirky outfits!

woo!

gosh i’m so tired. i’m sorry that these last two posts have sucked… i think i need to get back to my semi-happy place, if you know what i mean.

hola

March 21, 2010

ok, so it’s been a long time again. i’m sorry! school’s been really stressful and we had power issues for about a week.

i think all the stress is causing me to gain because i’ve been eating the same and exercising but i’m in the low 100s again 😦

i have nothing else to say.

^ so cool!

^ her arms ❤

^ she also kind of reminds me of me. something about her hair and her eyes…

that felt good. its been a while since i’ve even SEEN thinspo.

hope you all are well 🙂

big thinspo post

February 26, 2010

because i was away for a while…

so i’m still a vegan, and i’m finding it much easier to meet my goals this way since it cuts out so many temptations. and it’s not like i want to eat these things because i feel bad. AND, sans my cold that appears to not want to leave, my body feels really good… better than it has in a long time.

i’m still nervous for my weigh-in on sunday, though. what if i’m back in the triple-digits? i know that i said that the 99 was probably a fluke, but i REALLY want to believe that it wasn’t.

sorry it’s been so long! i had the longest cold of my life and then i got stomach flu… it was just a disaster. AND it was during my holiday from school. fantastic, huh? 😉

anyhow, hi!!! i’ve missed wordpress.

ok. sooo, sick or not, sunday is my weighing day, and the past sunday was no exception. wanna know what the scale said?

well… at first i hopped on and it’s one of those digital ones so numbers were flashing all over the place but the highest that flashed was 101 and then it settled on 97.4 which i realized was too low and then i realized my foot was totally off the little metal thing that it needs to be on.

so then i tried again (with both feet in the correct position) and got 99.6

double digits!

granted, it was a couple of days after my stomach’s rebellion that kept me eating relatively lightly, but not TOO much lower than usual. 700s, 900s and i worked my way up.

so there has to be some validity to it, right?

ah, the magic of wishful thinking. sometimes i really am wonderful at deceiving myself. (my, um, (i guess you can call it a) love life can attest to that)

happy new year, i guess

February 16, 2010

i think i caught a cold from trudging around the city. i’d say it was worth it, but it really wasn’t.

the chelsea market is ridiculous. no wonder i’d never been there before. if you’re thinking about it, don’t. unless you have a really good sense of humor…

sorry for the anger. my kitchen is ridiculously cold and the new snow (as pretty as it is) isn’t helping much. and i’m dreading having to go outside today.

this isn’t a good way to start off the year of the tiger. but at least on the first two days i ate long noodles; i’ll have a long life but i guess i guess i’ll be very cold for the duration of it.

i do love the lunar new year, though. much better than new year’s eve and that crap. maybe because i get my own animal. (i’m the monkey) and i love all the traditions: the noodles, the little red envelops…

it’s magical, i think. 🙂

so, happy year of the tiger, all! make it a good one!

and if you haven’t had long noodles yet, do it. it’s not too late!!!

well thank goodness!

February 15, 2010

i weighed myself again today (even though it’s not sunday and i feel bad for breaking the rules) because my body finally started working yesterday.

my weight was 103. up .2 but that was to be expected from all of my fails this week.

i feel much better now, but now i don’t know how to track it. every week, i’ve been putting my weight into an excel document to make a graph tracking my progress, but what should i do this week? put in my weight from today, my weight from yesterday, average them, what? any ideas?

ps. is anyone else missing someone right now? the heart bag just made me think of it 🙂

WTF

February 14, 2010

i weighed myself this morning. and guess what i got? 104.8. 104.8!

how the heck did i gain two pounds?!?

i’m praying that it has to do with the massive amount of liquids i drank yesterday, my congestion, or the fact that my digestive system doesn’t seem to be working.

or all of those reasons combined.

grrr…

so, i don’t know if my experiment worked because i spent the day with my friends who LOVE to eat (but are so skinny!) and we got italian food and REALLY good chocolate.

even the calories i burned walking around the city and shopping couldn’t save me… 😦  but i’ve got to keep up appearances, right? or is that just an excuse?

anyway, i’m going to try again today. so far, i’ve only had 200 cal which isn’t a bad start.

^ this girl kind of reminds me of me. not the body or the hair, but the face and eyes. it’s weird, because i’m not a normal-looking person. my features are quirky, if that makes sense.

ps. happy valentine’s day! if you like it, have a great time! if you don’t, you’re not alone 😉