February 7, 2010

I had yet another sunday weigh-in and now i’m at 102.8. first i was happy about that because the number in the ones place was one less, and then i was angry when i realized that the number as a whole was only .2 less (1/5 a lb) but then i remembered that i’m probably at least somewhat bloated because of the time of the month, so then i was happy.

and then i had 1000 cal worth of mexican food, and now i’m sad. 😦

i still have time to do some exercise, though, and the rest i’ll make up tomorrow. plus, i’m sure that number isn’t the most anyone’s eaten during the super bowl, right?

^beautiful calves!

my thighs

January 30, 2010

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…

not a bad start

January 23, 2010

ok, so i NEED to start losing again! this is just unacceptable. but i think i got a good start this morning. a friend came around this morning and we went for a walk. good conversation AND jump-starting my metabolism for the day??? good stuff! (-100 calories)

and then i had some breakie (275 cal) and then did some cleaning (-100 cal) and then had some lunch (200 cal).

s0 now i’m at 275, which isn’t too bad since i just have dinner to go, but i’m going to the dreaded buffet!!! why did i agree to this? can anyone explain this to me? i can be so self-destructive sometimes…

but at least i have room in my calories that i can slip up and have up to 800 and i’ll be ok…

ugh, i HAVE to do this! i think i’ll go clean some more to try to burn some extra calories…

don’t let today’s weakness ruin tomorrow’s dream, girls! 😉

either that or i’m going crazy, but i feel like my thighs and calves are slowly expanding again and it’s driving me INSANE!

anyone have tips? eating? exercise? i’ve gotta get this under control… 😦

fat weekend

October 13, 2009

i looked in the mirror today and my thighs were DEFINITELY bigger. i tried to tell myself that it was just my imagination, but it’s not. they rubbed more, and the fat spread out more when they were shoved against the seat of chairs.


i mean, i didn’t go over my alloted cal after that last time, but i got too close to that maximum number… much closer than i like and than i usually get to it.

but today i’m at 1080… and if we do any lifting at EMT that can go down. so i’m feeling alright about that.

except tomorrow my big-p is supposed to come which means i’m going to be at my hungriest, and how am i supposed to stay under my limit if i hardly could when i wasn’t having strange cravings? that makes me nervous.

sorry. this isn’t a very fun post… i’m just feeling very anxious about my weight. i mean, i was feeling SO GOOD for a few weeks there… and now the contrast to how i’m feeling now is just depressing. 😦

“whose calves are those?”

September 21, 2009

today i was walking in the school hallway, looking in the reflective glass, as usual.

but today i saw a pair of calves that were unfamiliar to me. i wondered who had such great calves… when i realized it was ME.

then, i looked at them in a frontal view while walking down another hallway, and suddenly they looked to bulky. i was like a magician played a trick: now they’re here; now they’re not.

except, it was more the opposite.


but they still looked better than usual. my thighs too. but i hate how when i sweat they rub a little.

yuck. 😦

because i’m lazy and tired

September 15, 2009

here’s what i ate today, since i’m not sure what else to write:

brown rice bar- 100 cal

juice box- 95 cal
crackers- 70 cal

walking- -100 cal

gnocci- 400 cal

which brings me to a grand total of 565.

but she was still hungry… ( if you haven’t read theat book, i recommend you do ;))

so now i’m going to go eat something more.



September 5, 2009

i’m afraid to go running. i’m afraid to bring back memories, afraid to make my thighs big.

my mom says i should go running because it’ll make me happier. i don’t know…

i want to burn calories and fat, but my thighs! ugh. they’re already too big for my liking from all that field hockey sprinting. like adding insult to injury…

i don’t know what i should do. i hope i figure it out.

i’m still tired. maybe that’s why i sound/ feel so robotic?

besides from actually having work this first week (wtf?!? jk…) i’m glad to be back because…

it’s SOOO much easier to eat less than 1000 cal. i keep getting in the 900 cal range which i like. not unhealthy, but gives me a pretty darn good deficit. and i’m not irritable/ faint. good stuff 🙂

and walking from calss to class? it’s exercise! how did i not realize this before?

i bet i burn at least 100 cal walking to classes and to and from my car, etc.

loving the “school” diet plan 😉

got an email back

August 31, 2009

from my coach. FINALLY.

except, it wasn’t what i expected. there wasn’t even a hint of apology. it was hostile, and quite frankly, rude. some (aka my mom) might even call it “mean.”

it was pretty much him trying to cover his butt and kicking me while i’m down in the process. not nice.

and you know what? part of what he said in attempt to cover his butt was irrelevant, for it wasn’t something that coaches are even allowed to take into consideration for cuts.

what is this? off-season participation. it isn’t even ALLOWED to matter according to my school handbook. it’s a rule.

my mom says i put too much emphasis on rules, but what if everyone else is just putting too little? aren’t rules there so that we can follow them?

well, he OBVIOUSLY didn’t follow them. and then he was a jerk about it.

he’s on my “do not like” list, now.