so i’ve had a crap week. but i saw on imaginenamaste’s blog, a list of things that she was proud of about herself, regarless of crappy things that are happening. so here is my own– a list of good things about the bad things and about me:

  1. i will have more time now (for homework, friends, family, my appearance, etc.)
  2. i won’t be as tired/ stressed (goes along with ^)
  3. i don’t have to eat as much (aka i can go back on my 1000 cal diet. yay!)
  4. i get to see who my real friends are
  5. i have a small gap between my thighs (haha, random)
  6. i still have my brain (which helps me write poetry and will hopefully help me get into an ivy league college)
  7. i’m somewhat pretty (when i don’t smile)
  8. i can spend more quality time with my hobbies (fashion, bracelet-making, knitting,…)
  9. i’ll be home more, so maybe we can finally get another dog (?)
  10. i love my petiteness; love wearing children’s clothes, bracelets, etc.

you know, that made me feel good. 🙂

moving on

August 27, 2009

first off, i want to thank you all SO SO much for commenting! you guys really helped me feel better 🙂

i’m trying to move on. i’m waiting for school to start so i can get swept up in homework, standardized tests, and emt. i know that i’ll miss doing a sport (hence my interest in joining cross country) but i don’t think i will. unless i end up having too much time on my hands.

i’m still really mad at the coaches though. i don’t think that i explained the whole situation and i can’t now because it’s WAAAY too long, but here’s the short version:

i had a meeting with the head coach at the end of last year, during which he basically implied that if i could get my asthma under control and come out stronger in the running, i would make the team. he said absolutely NOTHING that gave me even the slightest hint that i wouldn’t.

then what? i’m cut. i’m cut AND i’m a senior (and seniors DON’T get cut… ever. any sport. not at my school)

but not only that, i’m the ONLY senior cut.

embarrassing, no?

so i’m still really mad at him, and i’m not sure how long it will take me to get over it. thing is, he was supposed to be my teacher this year (= a disaster?) so i’m currently trying to switch out of his class.

i now may have to take that class at a local college= even less time to think about what i’m missing. (but also less time to study, etc.)

i wish it didn’t happen; i wish i hadn’t been cut. but even so, i shouldn’t dwell on it. i’m trying to get out of shock-mode and back on my feet.

oh, and hopefully make some new friends.

today i’m a human again

August 26, 2009

… at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only have 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts. :-/

i haven’t gotten one call, one text… NOTHING.

why do i even bother with these people. do they care at all?

it’s not possible that they don’t know. i walked out and left. i cried in my car (well, maybe they didn’t see THAT part)….

i just don’t get it. it’s common courtesy, that’s all.

by the way, i think i’m going to return to pro ana. i need something right now.