http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

well, shit.

when i saw the title at first, i didn’t want to read it. and know i know why: this is me!

i’ve turned into this obsessive freak whom i barely recognize

i’m living on crumbs

i’m creating more stress for myself

i guess i’m not surprised. i have problems with food, among MANY other things, so why wouldn’t i have problems with guys?

shit.

shit shit shit

i’m sorry for the profanity but i’ve been fooling myself– and i’ve gotten so damn good at it that, most days, i’m really happy with this version 2.0 life i’ve created.

but this article made me feel like a freak and maybe (probably) i am… but what else am i supposed to do when i have feelings for someone that i cant demolish for a guy who can’t return them right now and i see him everyday because we’re friendly.

urg. it’s not like i’m delusional… i mean, i KNOW that there’s nothing going on but i HOPE that maybe something could in the future. and THAT is my fantasy. but is there anything wrong with hope? i was under the impression that we were supposed to hope.

and can this possibly hurt me? maybe emotionally, but it’s not like i’m at the age for marriage and i’m going to miss my husband or whatever if i’m crushing on this guy.

and what if something happens? why the hell am i not supposed to hope that maybe something could? i’m young! isn’t that what i’m supposed to do? it gives me an escape from sadness and food issues and it isn’t a drug or alcoholic beverage or anything dangerous.

“Dwell in possibility”

i hope i’m not enabling myself, but is that really such a bad thing? it’ll have to end anyway when i go to college in six months.

thinspo thinspo thinspo

September 24, 2009

i had a good day today. a good talk with my love. a great test grade. an okay quiz grade. an even more okay grade on a paper…

i think i deserve some thinspo!

in fact, i think we ALL deserve some thinspo for almost being done with the week! woo!

497

the knees ❤

498

the thighs ❤

499

500

501

that last pic is especially good for me, as i’m white as a ghost and used to use that as an excuse for why i looked so fat (ever notice that when your thighs are tanned they look thinner?).

anyway…

last week or so i’ve been in the 1100s and the 1000s (mostly the 1000s) calorie-wise; i’m afraid i’m going to plateau soon… or maybe i already have. i felt fat today 😦

so maybe i’ll have a 1500 day soon to give my metabolism a little kick? i don’t feel comfortable going down; i already am finding it harder to concentrate at times and occasionally shake…

could be my imagination though. a placebo-effect, if you will.

We’re Going To Be Friends

September 2, 2009

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends
Walk with me Susie Lee
Through the park and by the tree
We can rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we’ve found
Safely walk to school without a sound
We safely walk to school without a sound
Well here we are no one else
We walk to school all by ourselves
There’s dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it’s time to learn
We clean up and now it’s time to learn
Numbers letters learn to spell
Nouns and books and show and tell
Play time we will throw the ball
Then back to class through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
And we don’t notice any time pass
Because we don’t notice anything
And we sit side by side in every class
The teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes it when you sing
Tonight I’ll dream in my bed
While silly thoughts run through my head
Of the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet
That you and I will walk together again
Because I can tell that we are going to be friends
I can tell that we are going to be friends

 

so i went back to school today. it was alright but i already have a TON of homework from all my AP classes. i’m taking 4. kill me now.

anyway, i saw coach-devil today. twice. or maybe it was 3 times. and i saw coach-bitch (that’s the jv one) twice or three times. so that was great.

BUT i saw my love twice, and that just cancelled all the bad out. 🙂

i also got to see this guy who i used to/ still do kind of have a crush on. he spent time abroad last year, but now he’s back in on of my classes, and we’ve been put at a table together. just the two of us.

but he hasn’t said anything or seems like he wants to, and i’m too shy/ scared. what should i do?