November 28, 2009

this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

next post won’t be a rant. i promise.

fat weekend

October 13, 2009

i looked in the mirror today and my thighs were DEFINITELY bigger. i tried to tell myself that it was just my imagination, but it’s not. they rubbed more, and the fat spread out more when they were shoved against the seat of chairs.


i mean, i didn’t go over my alloted cal after that last time, but i got too close to that maximum number… much closer than i like and than i usually get to it.

but today i’m at 1080… and if we do any lifting at EMT that can go down. so i’m feeling alright about that.

except tomorrow my big-p is supposed to come which means i’m going to be at my hungriest, and how am i supposed to stay under my limit if i hardly could when i wasn’t having strange cravings? that makes me nervous.

sorry. this isn’t a very fun post… i’m just feeling very anxious about my weight. i mean, i was feeling SO GOOD for a few weeks there… and now the contrast to how i’m feeling now is just depressing. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ


September 4, 2009

less than a week of school and i already feel like i’m going to die. sooo much homework, and late nights… what am i supposed to do next week? how will i survive?


i wish it would. i mean, this is my last year! what if i never get the chance to play again? (i won’t if my college doesn’t have club teams)

don’t think that this means i’m not trying out, because i am. tomorrow. *shudders*

but coach said some thing yesterday that kind of scared the sh!t out of me: “there could be cuts on all levels.” ALL LEVEL?!? like, seniors too?

usually, seniors aren’t cut. in ANY sport at my school, so this was quite a suprise.

the thing is, of all the seniors, i am by far the weakest link.

of all the seniors and the juniors, i am probably still the weakest link.

but would he cut just one senior? one who’s given him 3 years? one who’s tried her best and been a good sports and NOT b!tched out the coaches? that’s hard to find amongst the upperclassmen.

the thing is, part of the reason why i’m not playing so well right now is my asthma. it HATES the summer, and it’s been extremely hot here (100+ ?) for the past week or so. it makes breathing extremely difficult, which makes running (especially sprinting) extremely difficult, which makes drills a bit more difficult.

i know. i’m making excuses. shame, shame.

so, i feel like i’m probably going to get cut. and then i’ll scorekeep or offer to help out or something…?

now, let’s assume that i DON’T get cut:

i have a hell of a lot of work this year. i’m taking ap classes to the max (one of them’s even the supposed hardest at my school) AND taking an emt class twice a week.

i’ve done field hockey and homework. it isn’t a huge deal. but field hockey and emt class might conflict on days we have games– especially if they’re away games since both jv and varsity teams have to play.

and then on days when there’s practice, i have about an hours to go home, shower, and start my homework. so i guess i’ll have to finish it after emt class?

coach is nice– really nice, but i know that he won’t like this. he’ll see this as not commited to the team; i’m trying to be, but there are things that i NEED to do for college, and field hockey isn’t one of them. i just happen to love the sport.

i know that i’m getting ahead of myself; i should take it one step at a time. step 1: get through tryouts.

but still, i feel like this can’t end well for me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

can i tell you the truth?

August 11, 2009

i HATE field hockey. hate it. i love the sport, but i despise playing it at a higher level. i dislike most of the people who play, and competition freaks me out.

and i really hate not being the best.

and i hate practices and all of the sprinting that we have to do, because not only does it bulk up thighs, but it’s damn painful.


i LOVE the things it does to my upper-body (six-pack much?) and arms. and i adore the uniform and i enjoy being part of something. it’s like a sorority.

AND i love how it will allow me to see my love a bit more. that’s always nice.


it takes up SO MUCH FRICKING TIME! time that i should be using to complete my school work and study and EMT… because that’s the kind of stuff that could potentially get me into an ivy league college. NOT field hockey.

and i can always scorekeep and be pseudo- part of the team.


i LOVE ordering all the clothes with the logo and whatnot– sweatshirts, sweatpants, shirts. it’s the most wonderful day when they finally come.

AND i’m finally a senior. i’m one of the top dogs. i’ve waited years to be in this position.

so i don’t know. i can’t tell if i want to quit because i’m lazy or because i really think it’s for my own good. in fact, i’m not really sure if i even want to quit. maybe that’s just what i want today. and yesterday. and the day before.

ugh! i have no clue! what do you guys think i should do?


July 31, 2009

he’s home! he’s home! my love-crush is home! which means he’s safe… which means he didn’t get killed by a giant spider. ๐Ÿ™‚

i’ve been waiting for this day for over a month. a frickin MONTH! and now it’s here. and he’s back in the same country as me, in the same state. and i WOULD feel happy…

if i didn’t have to go away tomorrow! which means that i’m going to have to wait a whole other week to see him… maybe even two if practice happens to get rained out on my one possible day that i could see him when i return.


i want to be perfect for him. i want to be beautiful, smart, and skinny. but not too skinny… guys don’t like girls who are ALL bone. but high 90s. that would be a compromise. ๐Ÿ™‚

i miss him. he’s here somewhere, but i miss him. i miss undoing my scarve as we talk about cats when i’ve just come in from the cold and the way he looks at me when i’ve done or said something funny. it’s so beautiful that it hurt me… with such pleasurable pain for i knew it wouldn’t last.

and it hasn’t. that moment isn’t with me now… only in my memory. and i’m probably remebering it wrong (memories can be deceptive, you know).

gosh, i need to see him.

so… so far my day hasn’t been, well, ideal.

i woke up this morning to the sounds of two leaf-blowers. leaf-blowers. at 9 am. and it isn’t even fall! what leaves are there to blow? needless to say, i was pissed off.

but somehow, i got back to sleep. until the doorbell rings. and rings again. it’s 12 pm. so i look outside and see the package truck. and i go downstairs to find out that instead of the package, they left some crap slip with spaces for signatures, going on about re-delivery and pickup.

i spend a solid 20 minutes trying to decipher this little orange slip and then i see that the package isn’t even mine. no. it’s my father’s. probably some work clothes or tennis rackets.

but that’s ok because i’m going to a movie tonight. i’m happy. i can relax and do my summer assignments and then go out and have fun like a normal teenager.

but no. i get a text and apparently there is a field hockey practice– all running, i might add– that i’m expected to attend. joy.

so now, i’m going to have to die at practice and wait until tomorrow to see the movie. isn’t that just dandy?!?

so now i’m watching skins on my laptop, eating dried fruit and drinking TONS of water in attempt to prepare myself for the slaughter.

*sigh* how badly i’d like to not go. but i know that i should; it’s now or never. if i start showing up, i’ll look good– both to the coaches and physically– and it’ll make tryouts that much tolerable.

so i’m gonna do this. i’m gonna show up. i feel extrmemly nauseas just typing those words so PLEASE wish me luck!!!

ps. it’s possible that my love may be returning today. i hope this is the case.

i think i’m angry

July 20, 2009

don’t youjust hate people sometimes? especially people who are skinnier than you? especially people who are skinnier than you but keep talking about how fat they are?

then you’ll know what i’m going through.

i have a friend who’s my height and 90 pounds. i’m not kidding; i overheard our gym intructor telling her her weight. she always talks about binging and how big her thighs are, even though she still wears kids’ “slim” sizes. it’s really quite aggrevating because

a) because her metabolism is obviously a lot faster than mine since she can have full-sized lunches and ice cream and remain stickly (but not TOO stickly; she has a butt) and

b) because if she thinks SHE’s fat, was must she think about ME? poor girl. she doesn’t eat lunch but is still 20 lbs heavier than me. ??? (not that i will be for long, i hope…)

i feel like there’s a c but i can’t think of it right now…

maybe that she talks about it incessantly? or that she is really, truly WORRIED; not fishing for compliments.

i love her, but i’m glad to have a break from her right now.

i mean, i’ve always been a bit of a quirk, but i really think i’m losing it.

either that or i’m reacting badly to my new allergy medication.

last night, i had a horrible dream. the man i’m pretty sure i’m in love with told me that he was trying to get pregnant with his girlfriend. he had these special pills and everything. and he was so happy about it. which was nice because i love seeing him happy, but i want him to be happy with me.

i’m afraid this is a sign. i’ve had psychic dreams before, so it would be nothing new. and he’s almost 30 so wanting to have a baby would be feasible at his age– not that i encourage it. 30 seems a bit young for a man, but maybe that’s just me. me and my bias.

oh, dear. oh, dear.

do you ever feel like you’ll never be happy? i feel like that a lot. and push past it. but i’m tired of feeling it at all.

i want to lose these 10 pounds. and i want him to realize that I’M the one who’s good for him. not HER.

i feel like if theseย  things happened i would finally be happy. but they probably wouldn’t– happen OR make me happy forever.

i need to stop this. i need to shut off my brain.

we’re getting food from this REALLY awesome italian place (ordering in) and i’m nervous as hell! i’ve already had about 350 call today…. and i can’t get fat. i just CAN’T!

ok ok ok… i’m going to do what cassie does. cut cut cut… talk a lot. except i’ll HAVE to eat. so i’ll chew. a lot. like a friggin maniac. 9 bites? 27? idk…. chew chew chew.

and put my fork down in between bites. i’ve heard that helps. takes longer to eat that way.

oh, damn it! i already had everything planned out! i was gonna have a slice of pizza (300 cal) and it would be reasonable. and then maybe some of my kashi cereal as a snack. that’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. there isn’t SUPPOSED to be yummy italian food. there isn’t supposed to be some heavenly scent wafting through my kitchen and saying eat, karni, eaaat!!!

no no no. this is too much for me now! i feel like my binging impulses have been acting up a lot less lately (knock on wood) but i don’t know if they can hold up tonight. they better. because i’m only allowing myself 450 cal of this stuff. 450. that’s it; that’s final.