c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

Advertisements

i am still here!

October 15, 2010

i haven’t posted in a very long time– possibly the longest i’ve gone since i started this blog. but i have a good reason: i left for college.

so now i’m here in a dorm. i have new friends, and new pounds. and the latter is really getting to me.

and you know where i used to go when i needed inspiration? here. so this is where i am.

i’m back!

i was a solid 96 pounds when i left home (which i was quite pleased with) and now ‘m in the 102-104 range and that ISN’T ok with me. i thought college would make losing weight easier, but it isn’t. i go with my friends to eat in order to have a social life, but in those all-you-can eat dining halls it’s so easy to slip up! they don’t post calories… and that freaks me out. i thought i’d be fine since i’m a vegan, but i guess not!

i’m now trying to get back on track, eating a lot of cooked vegetables, mushrooms, tofu, and raw vegetables with salsa. but my dorm has become a challenging place: sometimes i end up buying a box of cereal or vegan cookies and bringing them back with me and that’s no good. AND sometimes my mom ends up sending me food.

i need to start giving it away, the food she sends. and i need to stop buying food myself. only for immediate meals. and gum. lots of gum.

does anyone have any tips? this is all very new to me!

i also don’t have a roommate, which makes it easier for me to binge if i so choose. and i did once. and tried to throw it all up, but only got a little bit out. that was NOT a fun night. 😦

now, i’m off to shop for some thinspo! i’m excited to see all the new pictures up 🙂

the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

friday update

February 12, 2010

sooo… i only went over 20 cal. and i think that DEFINITELY beats 200, don’t you agree?

i’m mad that i didn’t get under but i’m happy that it wasn’t bad as it usually is.

AND if i make some time to dance, i bet i could burn 20-25 cal and at least get a BIT under.

now i’m just crossing my fingers that i get tired so that i don’t stay up late snacking. (i almost gave in to a chocolate binge, so i guess today’s just one of those days…)

Favorite Diet Food: little oranges, all berries except strawberries, sweet potatoes

Favorite Binge Food: cake, cookies (sweet things)

Favorite Exercise: dancing, walking around the mall, running (sometimes)

Thinspo: petite girls and actresses (audrey tautou ESPECIALLY!!!)

When Did It Start? 15 (though there were hints at 14)

Does Anyone Know?  nope


Do You Want Help? nope

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS


Are You In A Relationship? no (sigh)

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? on the thin side but not the thinnest (yet…;) )

I AM –
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE –
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic (even I dont know..)

I WISH –
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[] I could avoid food
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE –
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


  • APPEARANCE
    [ ] I am 5’5.
    [x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
    [] I have many scars.
    [] I tan easily.
    [] I wish my hair was a different color.
    [] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
    [ ] I have a tattoo.
    [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
    [x] I have/had braces.
    [ ] I wear glasses.
    [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
    [] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
    [ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
    [] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
    [] I have freckles.

    FAMILY
    [] I’ve sworn at my parents.
    [ ] I’ve run away from home.
    [ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
    [] My biological parents are together.
    [ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
    [x] I want to have kids someday.
    [ ] I’ve had children.
    [ ] I’ve lost a child.

    EMBARASSMENT
    [] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
    [] Disney movies still make me cry.
    [x] I’ve peed from laughing.
    [x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
    [x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.

    RELATIONSHIPS
    [x] I’m single
    [ ] I’m in a relationship.
    [ ] I’m engaged.
    [ ] I’m married.
    [ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
    [ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
    [x] I miss someone right now.
    [x] I have a fear of abandonment.
    [] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
    [ ] I’ve gotten divorced
    [ x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. <–story of my life!
    [ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
    [] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

    SEXUALITY
    [ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
    [x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
    [] I am a cuddler.
    [ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.

    HONESTY
    [x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
    [x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
    [ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
    [ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
    [x] I am keeping a secret from the world
    [x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
    [x] I’ve cheated on a test.
    [ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

    BAD TIMES
    [ x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
    [ ] I regularly drink.
    [ x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
    [x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
    [ x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
    [x ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
    [] I’m addicted to self harm.
    [] I’ve woken up crying

  • thanksgiving

    November 28, 2009

    this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

    i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

    i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

    but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

    and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

    and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

    ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

    what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

    next post won’t be a rant. i promise.

    bloat?

    October 9, 2009

    i’m a bit less bloated, but still bloated. i think it’s because this week i’ve been a tad sleep deprived, and therefore, lacking in my usual willpower.

    conclusion? i ate too much.

    grrr.

    i mean, i haven’t quite binged (though i’ve been SOOO tempted to on freshly-made rice crispy treats…) but 1100 and 1200 is not me. and my stomach has obviously been quite influenced. in fact, my stomach is always quick to change.

    example: in the morning after not eating too much the day before, it may be flat, the ribs semi-apparent. looks good. then i eat breakfast… maybe just a luna bar. what happens to my stomach? the gut bumps out and any tight shirt is unacceptable.

    this is why i never wear skin-tight tops.

    but anyway, it’s weird. i think that my stomach likes to rebel against me.

    thoughts?

    pictures:

    512

    513

    515

    518

    519

    i survived. barely, but i did it. i mean, a dinner like that can easily turn into an 800 cal fest. but not tonight. no, i kept it to 550. and ended the day at 1100. maybe i’ll dance; maybe i wont. but 1100 is decent so it doesn’t matter much, does it?

    or does it… what if my legs start to go flabby? maybe some light dancing will do the trick… i think i’ll go with that.

    we’re getting food from this REALLY awesome italian place (ordering in) and i’m nervous as hell! i’ve already had about 350 call today…. and i can’t get fat. i just CAN’T!

    ok ok ok… i’m going to do what cassie does. cut cut cut… talk a lot. except i’ll HAVE to eat. so i’ll chew. a lot. like a friggin maniac. 9 bites? 27? idk…. chew chew chew.

    and put my fork down in between bites. i’ve heard that helps. takes longer to eat that way.

    oh, damn it! i already had everything planned out! i was gonna have a slice of pizza (300 cal) and it would be reasonable. and then maybe some of my kashi cereal as a snack. that’s the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. there isn’t SUPPOSED to be yummy italian food. there isn’t supposed to be some heavenly scent wafting through my kitchen and saying eat, karni, eaaat!!!

    no no no. this is too much for me now! i feel like my binging impulses have been acting up a lot less lately (knock on wood) but i don’t know if they can hold up tonight. they better. because i’m only allowing myself 450 cal of this stuff. 450. that’s it; that’s final.

    looser

    May 30, 2009

    my size 2 jean appear to be too baggy for school now; they just look sloppy. they look fine at the beginning of the day, but then they get stretched out with all the sitting and hardly touch my legs. i think that’s a good sign. maybe i should get a size 0 now…?

    breakfast:
    greek yogurt- 110 cal

    lunch:
    pizza- 225 cal

    snack:
    cookie- 100 cal

    UPDATE:

    dinner:
    spring rolls- 250 cal

    dessert:
    cake- 800 cal 😦

    which amounts to 1500 which is waaay over my goal thanks to my midday cake binge… darn cake. i feel like i’m going to look really fat tomorrow, and it sucks.

    on the bright side, i made a shocking discovery: those size 2 jeans that i keep mentioning? they’re actually a size 1. 1! how could i have missed that?!? still… that’s pretty cool. that means that not only am i getting too small for a size 2, but also a size 1. yay!