i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.


EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.


17 hours

July 26, 2009

last night, i slept for 17 hours. no, 17.5 hours. how crazy is that?!? i woke up at 5:30 pm today… and if it weren’t for my dad ringing the doorbell 5 times, who knows when it would have been!

so… yeah. we went to dinner (sushi) and then i ran. and now i’m here, eating some more because i realized that i would not have nearly enough calories today. i mean, i slept until dinner. DINNER. i missed 2 meals! i’ve never done that before… it’s kind of scary. is something wrong with me?

ugh… 300 more calories to go. i’m not even sure what i want to eat any more. maybe some ice cream?

anyway, i’m going away with my dad next week and he gave me some big new. drumroll, please… i need to bring a bathing suit. a bathing suit! luckily, i just got a nice striped bikini and i’ve been running for a while, but i’m nervous. i haven’t been in a bikini since feb of 2008, unless i’m completely forgetting something. i mean, it’s been a LONG time.

oh, wait… i was in one a little bit last summer to do some aqua therapy for my knee, but i was wearing a life vest over it. it wasn’t the same.

but anyway, i’m worried that i’m going to screw up my diet and get really fat or get sunburnt or… idk. something.

i mean, i don’t think that i can be THAT gross-looking. i had to buy xs bottoms… and a medium top since my boobs have decided to go on rampage… but yeah.

idk. i get so worried over nothing. i blame my anxiety!