c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

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no no NO

November 16, 2010

i’m not putting up with this crap anymore. i’m getting on track and i’m STAYING on track… none of this, i-look-good-so-i-can-slack crap.

that isn’t happening anymore. IT CAN’T.

the past three days i’ve gone over my allotted calories… and so now i’m bloated, which makes me angry, etc. i mean, all day i just kept thinking about how i could be looking so much better.

i’m just so freaking self-destructive! 😦

anyone want a texting buddy? i need someone to talk me out of eating!!!

i’m also going to start posting thinspo everyday… and exercising AT LEAST twice a week outside of my gym class.

help me!!! 😦

men. sigh.

October 25, 2010

so last night at about 9, i get a call. who’s it from? CG. he wants to go skating. his friends from his building can’t go, so he wants me to step in.

i’ll take it!

so we go. we skate. we talk. he makes fun of my skating because after 8 year of not skating i’ve forgotten how. i almost fall a few times and he catches me.

it was FUN. and i got to know another layer of him… because that’s the thing with him. he has TONS of layers, and some people just can’t seem to get past that first arrogant (but trés amusant!) layer.

and he really enjoys my company. he told me that. 🙂 but i can’t help thinking that maybe i’m the consolation prize to (is that the right word?) his friends… or my friend, whom he liked but didn’t share his feelings.

and then this morning in discussion i see TA. and he’s still pale with those eyes. and still kind of awkward. and i feel like even though CG and i SHOULD be able to work it out (i mean, we’re in the same year, both single, get along, etc.) but i feel like i have a better chance with TA. and i shouldn’t. it’s crazy!

and then my mom texts me and asks me if i have a boyfriend. she’s “just wondering.” bluh.

but, hey! i had a good day yesterday eating-wise AND burned some calories skating.

and i just bought new skates so i can burn more. 😉

food pictures

October 19, 2010

last night:

tofu and mushrooms with a little bit of brown rice.

me last night:

for some reason the picture’s on its side. i’ll try to fix that.

i think i’m going to try to post a picture just a week to track my progress and motivate me!

tonight’s dinner:

lots and lots and lots of veggies, and vegan hummus with a few crackers.

today’s total comes to 950… which isn’t as low as i was aiming for, but i’m not complaining.

a bientot

… 200

REALLY! and i’m not even hungry. at all. i only ate lunch because i was with people… and then i only got a small soup.

how? why? coffee. coffee is magical.

i usually don’t drink coffee. at all. but today i decided to drink some, for i heard it can be good for weight loss and such… and i drank A LOT. a whole thermos full, with just a hint of soymilk in it.

and i’m relatively petite.

SO it had a pretty darn big effect on me! therefore, i will not drink quite THAT much again, but i think on thursday i’m going to have a bit. and then i’ll have a bit on tuesdays and thursdays.

that way, i’ll have 2 low cal days a week AND i hopefully won’t build up a tolerance to the stuff.

win-win, correct?

gah, i’m caffeine-high right now…

i have more that i want to tell you, but i think i’m going to wait until i’m less jittery 😉 . until then, thinspo?

i guess the blogging gods are on my side today!

aside: i LOVE the deschanels. just saying.

alrighty, then!

ps. i’m looking for feedback: do you like the pictures i’m posting of my food? are you getting anything out of it, or is it just a waste of space? feel free to be honest! (but kind 🙂 )

happy day, all!!!

suddenly monday

October 18, 2010

^^^ this is what i ate for lunch. tofu, brussel sprouts, and tofu chili. i’ll put it at 500 calories to be safe, but all this vegan food tends to be pretty darn healthy. i mean, this meal is at least 1/2 vegetable… and other meals can be 3/4 vegetable.

and it’s yummy!

honestly, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, because i started it while i was ichating with a friend from another college. but yeah.

i had a 200 cal breakfast, but i burned that off speed-walking back and forth around campus all day, so i’m at 500 cal. that means i will allow myself to have 500 cal at dinner.

yep.

i feel boring today… maybe after yesterday’s drama. all of the sudden, i just couldn’t handle any of my feelings and i got really upset about CG. but then last night i had a dream about the guy back home (did i give him a name? regardless, he’s now OG for older guy). It took place a year from now, and he was telling me how it wasn’t working out with his gf (who i think was his new wife in the dream). something about kids: he wanted them; she didn’t. i told him i wanted kids, and he gave me that look he’s been growing fonder of ever since last year– the one that knows that under different circumstances we’d be compatible.

and so when i woke up, i’d forgotten all about CG. after all, he, and any other guy for that matter, will always simply be a consolation prize.

and then i went to my history discussion and realized all over again how cute my TA is– how much he resembles OG. except, i thought, a younger version. (apparently, only 1/2 a year younger… why do i always think guys are younger than they are? wishful thinking?)

anyway, now my friends are beginning to think i’m crazy… and i am, but not because of the people i’m attracted to.

or am i?

this was a pointless post. i’m sorry. maybe thinspo would help?

except that the stupid attachment thing won’t load my photos. perfect.

i’m going to fix this… and then i’ll be back.

alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

dinner and thinspo

October 16, 2010

check it out! veggies, a mushroom, and a bit of an Indian-inspired rice dish.
yummy and healthy… and i actually feel good after having eaten it!!!
yay.
now the thinspo portion of this post:
now, truly bon soir 🙂
ps. college guy i just posted about (let’s call him CG for short) just agreed to come over later. will he come through this time? we shall see.
pps. had 1050 calories today. fairly pleased 😉

so far today i’ve only had 250 cal, and my calorie graph i started when i started this blog last year still has a downward trend, so this is a good start.

the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!