thinspo for 11/7

yes! another creative title 😉

not to honk my own horn (is that the expression?), but i’m very pleased with this batch of thinspo. what do you think?

comments= love 😉

99.6

I’m back, baby!

At least for today. At least for this weigh-in.

And, at least in terms of weight.

I’m still guy-less. I shouldn’t feel desperate but I am. I texted this guy last last, whom I met during orientation (let’s call him OG… except, I already have one of those, don’t I? Well, I met him randomly, so let’s call him RG. So now, to clarify, there’s an RG, OG, CG, and TA). I asked if he wanted to go see a movie but he said he was too busy with work.

And I have no reason to believe that’s not the case, because I ran into him last week and he was grabbing a sandwich to take back to his room because he had to study with prelims.

Regardless, I was disappointed… but I ended up watching Amelie at the community center, and that’s one of my favorite movies, so it ended up being a pretty good night!

*sigh* I love Audrey Tautou. She’s gorgeous and thin…

But I digress.

Maybe the secret to happiness is always having a viable Plan B.

And being asexual.

happy halloween!

i almost forgot about it… and then i looked at the date. so… happy happy!

just, don’t eat too much candy 🙂

it’s my first college halloween, so i’ll definitely be going out! (apparently, people have been going out in costume all weekend. there’s nothing quite like walking back from a friend’s– CG’s 🙂 — and seeing spongebob stumbling around…)

i shall be the glorious daphne from none other than scooby doo, and my wonderful friends will be the lesser characters 😉

what are you guys going out as?

thinspiring… tv?

so, lately i’ve been watching a lot of tv. A LOT. which probably isn’t ideal…

c’est la vie.

i’m being entertained AND thinspired, so that’s a good thing, correct?

nothing i’m writing is making sense. a list:

1. outsourced on nbc.
2. glee on fox. SUCH AN AMAZING SHOW!!! also, lea michele looks SO GOOD this season! she’s always been tiny, but her legs just look amazing. (i love her. saw her on broadway 🙂 )
3. house on fox. olivia wilde. and lisa edelstein, who is in phenomenal shape, ESPECIALLY for her age (42? really?)
4. modern family on abc. the teenage daughter. plus, the show has its moments.
5. life unexpected on the cw. britt robertson is looking amazing this season! and it’s just a cute show 🙂
6. hellcats on the cw. i just started watching it 2 days ago online. all of the characters are so fit… it actually got me lifting my 3 lb weight and doing some crunches. not bad, eh?
7. nikita on the cw. i just started watching it yesterday, so i’ve only seen one episode… but watch it. just do it. the female characters are TINY!

do you guys have any recommendations?

men. sigh.

so last night at about 9, i get a call. who’s it from? CG. he wants to go skating. his friends from his building can’t go, so he wants me to step in.

i’ll take it!

so we go. we skate. we talk. he makes fun of my skating because after 8 year of not skating i’ve forgotten how. i almost fall a few times and he catches me.

it was FUN. and i got to know another layer of him… because that’s the thing with him. he has TONS of layers, and some people just can’t seem to get past that first arrogant (but trés amusant!) layer.

and he really enjoys my company. he told me that. 🙂 but i can’t help thinking that maybe i’m the consolation prize to (is that the right word?) his friends… or my friend, whom he liked but didn’t share his feelings.

and then this morning in discussion i see TA. and he’s still pale with those eyes. and still kind of awkward. and i feel like even though CG and i SHOULD be able to work it out (i mean, we’re in the same year, both single, get along, etc.) but i feel like i have a better chance with TA. and i shouldn’t. it’s crazy!

and then my mom texts me and asks me if i have a boyfriend. she’s “just wondering.” bluh.

but, hey! i had a good day yesterday eating-wise AND burned some calories skating.

and i just bought new skates so i can burn more. 😉

apple cider vinegar

(by the way, i’m posting this from the building i take french in. how cool is that? i love laptops!)

this stuff is amazing: put it in water and it suppresses your appetite. put it on your skin and it cleans and dries out pimples.

it does smell really gross though… which i suppose is a good thing when you’re trying to avoid food.

so i had lunch with CG yesterday. and some of his friends. at first it was awkward like it usually is, but then i started to get more comfortable and they started talking to me instead of around me and it was kind of fun. they aren’t the kind of people i would choose as friends for myself, but they can be very entertaining.

anyway, i just thought of that because i’m waiting for him now. he has a class in this building in about half an hour, so we usually get to talk either before or after. its nice.

i’m still attracted to him, and i get jealous when he so much as talks to another girl, but i’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that he isn’t the one i want, and that we’d probably make a horrible couple.

also, another guy has come into the picture. i’ll call him TA because that’s what he is: my TA.

why does this always happen? 😉

suddenly monday

^^^ this is what i ate for lunch. tofu, brussel sprouts, and tofu chili. i’ll put it at 500 calories to be safe, but all this vegan food tends to be pretty darn healthy. i mean, this meal is at least 1/2 vegetable… and other meals can be 3/4 vegetable.

and it’s yummy!

honestly, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, because i started it while i was ichating with a friend from another college. but yeah.

i had a 200 cal breakfast, but i burned that off speed-walking back and forth around campus all day, so i’m at 500 cal. that means i will allow myself to have 500 cal at dinner.

yep.

i feel boring today… maybe after yesterday’s drama. all of the sudden, i just couldn’t handle any of my feelings and i got really upset about CG. but then last night i had a dream about the guy back home (did i give him a name? regardless, he’s now OG for older guy). It took place a year from now, and he was telling me how it wasn’t working out with his gf (who i think was his new wife in the dream). something about kids: he wanted them; she didn’t. i told him i wanted kids, and he gave me that look he’s been growing fonder of ever since last year– the one that knows that under different circumstances we’d be compatible.

and so when i woke up, i’d forgotten all about CG. after all, he, and any other guy for that matter, will always simply be a consolation prize.

and then i went to my history discussion and realized all over again how cute my TA is– how much he resembles OG. except, i thought, a younger version. (apparently, only 1/2 a year younger… why do i always think guys are younger than they are? wishful thinking?)

anyway, now my friends are beginning to think i’m crazy… and i am, but not because of the people i’m attracted to.

or am i?

this was a pointless post. i’m sorry. maybe thinspo would help?

except that the stupid attachment thing won’t load my photos. perfect.

i’m going to fix this… and then i’ll be back.

alone

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

dinner and thinspo

check it out! veggies, a mushroom, and a bit of an Indian-inspired rice dish.

yummy and healthy… and i actually feel good after having eaten it!!!

yay.

now the thinspo portion of this post:

now, truly bon soir 🙂

ps. college guy i just posted about (let’s call him CG for short) just agreed to come over later. will he come through this time? we shall see.

pps. had 1050 calories today. fairly pleased 😉

i told

i’ve been wanting someone– ANYONE– to figure it out for a long time now. to say, you look too skinny. you’re not eating enough. i’ve even hinted! talking about how i want to lose weight, how i’ve fasted for days at a time, and NOTHING!

even when i was down to around 91 no one was saying anything, so now that i’m a bit more than that, i guess i shouldn’t have expected anything either.

but it’s like i want it! i want people to care about this. they care in other ways… but sometimes that isn’t enough.

for instance, right now i’m waiting for this guy i’v found in college whom i care about and have passionate feelings for to text.

but guess what? he wont. he likes me, i think. we’re friends. but i don’t think he’ll ever REALLY care… at least, not as much as i want, and not without me having to prompt him.

oh, wait. he just did. and dinner? yeah, he isn’t coming. he’s busy. he’s always busy.

i miss the guy i had back home… well, i didn’t FULLY have him, but i had him more than i’ve ever had a guy. he cared. he didn’t have to try; he just did. and he was KIND and funny and smart and gorgeous. and he was happy to see me.

i visited him last week. i thought i was over him and we could just have a friendly conversation… and that’s how it started. i was a fool to think some college boy could ever occupy the void i’ve reserved for him. it was one of the most fulfilling conversations i’ve had… and now i know he DOES have feelings for me.

i wish something could happen there; i’m in love with him. but i love him, and if he truly believes he’s found happiness with someone else, that’s great for him. but if that’s the case, why is he so hung up in me? on that poem i wrote?

shit.

i’m confused. and when i take time to REALLY think, i’m unhappy.

…

anyway, i told. i need to see a counselor here in order to be given a psychiatrist, so i went yesterday. she had one of those questionnaires that she read out: have you been abused? no. have you ever harmed yourself? no.

and then she brought up body image… and i just felt the words fill my cheeks and i said, yes. i wish i were skinnier.

then she asked me if i’ve ever restricted and i said yes. she asked, now? and i think i said, a little bit (but i’m not sure).

i didn’t tell her that i binge sometimes, or that i try to purge, but i told her something and now SOMEONE knows. she doesn’t care, but she knows.

and i’m not going to stop. i’ve written 98 on my hand and i need to get back there. that’s just the way it is.

bon soir.