alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

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hey, everybody!

June 13, 2010

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂

failure friday

February 12, 2010

at least, that’s usually what friday is for me because i’m always EXHAUSTED after a week of school and homework and running around the hallways that all my willpower vanishes.

but not today.

it’s been SUCH a long time since i actually met my goal on a friday, and i fear that this will turn into a habit. and that would, frankly, suck.

so i’m going to eat some oranges, a healthy dinner, maybe a smidge of dessert and do my spastic-dance thing. (that’s my new favorite exercise; it’s sooo much fun! 🙂 )

so, what do you say? let’s all reach our goals today so we can feel GREAT tomorrow morning!

^ her wrists are so small and dainty

my thighs

January 30, 2010

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…

i mentioned yesterday that i don’t get people… but really, it’s the male population. males truly bewilder me… maybe because i never had much of a father figure… but i want that to stop. i want to get males and i want them to like me. i want to get chatted up in bars. which is why i’ve been reading this: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

it’s all about verbal and non-verbal signals which may sound boring, but it’s really fascinating. and helpful. i feel like if i learn these tips and lose some weight (esp. in the boob area– they seriously make me look huge!) i’ll be good to go. i hope.

ps. does anyone have any tips to share? sorry… 🙂

anyway…

breakFAST:
crackers- 50

lunch:
pretzels- 80

snack:
greek yogurt- 100

dinner:
mac and cheese- 300

dessert:    😦
cake- 500
ice cream- 300

exercise:
dancing- (-)100

i have such a sweet tooth… i feel like i just can’t stop myself sometimes, esp. since it tends to be really all-or-nothing with me. i’m surprised that i’ve found such a balance so far. i mean, today was 1280 which isn’t great, but it’s not 1900. and it leaves me less exhausted than 400…

no, no. stop inabling. tomorrow my goal is 1150 or under. preferably, a lot under.