http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

well, shit.

when i saw the title at first, i didn’t want to read it. and know i know why: this is me!

i’ve turned into this obsessive freak whom i barely recognize

i’m living on crumbs

i’m creating more stress for myself

i guess i’m not surprised. i have problems with food, among MANY other things, so why wouldn’t i have problems with guys?

shit.

shit shit shit

i’m sorry for the profanity but i’ve been fooling myself– and i’ve gotten so damn good at it that, most days, i’m really happy with this version 2.0 life i’ve created.

but this article made me feel like a freak and maybe (probably) i am… but what else am i supposed to do when i have feelings for someone that i cant demolish for a guy who can’t return them right now and i see him everyday because we’re friendly.

urg. it’s not like i’m delusional… i mean, i KNOW that there’s nothing going on but i HOPE that maybe something could in the future. and THAT is my fantasy. but is there anything wrong with hope? i was under the impression that we were supposed to hope.

and can this possibly hurt me? maybe emotionally, but it’s not like i’m at the age for marriage and i’m going to miss my husband or whatever if i’m crushing on this guy.

and what if something happens? why the hell am i not supposed to hope that maybe something could? i’m young! isn’t that what i’m supposed to do? it gives me an escape from sadness and food issues and it isn’t a drug or alcoholic beverage or anything dangerous.

“Dwell in possibility”

i hope i’m not enabling myself, but is that really such a bad thing? it’ll have to end anyway when i go to college in six months.

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