c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

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french final

December 11, 2010

first off, i want to thank Jolie for her sweet comment! it’s TRUE that there are many great teachers. i’ve been fortunate enough to be lucky in this regard.

to answer your question, i’m almost 19 and in college– an in college if you have a really great teacher, you have to give them up halfway through the year and start anew… usually. but this time, i wasn’t going to have to, i thought. and i was THRILLED… which just made the news that much harder for me to hear.

anyhow, i just got back from my final for that class. usually after tests and finals i’m mentally exhausted because i pour my brain onto the paper, but this time i’m emotionally exhausted. seeing my discussion group (who i’ve seen 4 days a week since august and gotten to know and trust) together for possibly the last time made me so nostalgic… and i’m prone to nostalgia anyway.

have you guys ever seen the show Community on NBC? with Joel Mchale, etc. ? we were like that… because foreign language classes in college are different from other classes; you really HAVE to meet every day or you wont develop the language skills.

it turned out to be such a blessing, though…

anyhow, i’m feeling really down, still. perhaps i will post later.

finals week

December 10, 2010

so, i SHOULD be studying for my french final tomorrow. i REALLY should. i mean, i studied the vocab and i’m pretty set on that… but studying grammar is just depressing. you know it’s true.

and i certainly know it’s true. i’m DIAGNOSED, after all.

and then there’s the fact that my beloved french TA informed us that she might not be teaching our french section next semester.

i almost cried.

she’s the kind of TA that treats us like the adults we are (she TRUSTS us) and really, TRULY cares about us. we had this potluck once, and she made what she brought in vegan so i could have some. (i’m the only vegan in the class.)

it was so sweet that when i left that class, i DID cry a bit.

anyway, she’s what every TA, teacher, professor,… WHATEVER should be. and i simply can’t imagine next semester without her…

and so, when i’m studying french and bits and pieces from class this semester start darting around my brain, i get sad. i get REALLY FREAKING SAD… and i want to stop.

but i can’t if i want to get a good grade. and i DO! i want to attend Harvard for my graduate degree, so i really do want to do well, but i feel so down.

and all this french–the words, the sounds, though beautiful– is making this all painfully difficult.

i’m sorry for such a downer post… but this is what my life is like sometimes. a lot.

a tout a l’heure… a bientot…

whichever i decided

no no NO

November 16, 2010

i’m not putting up with this crap anymore. i’m getting on track and i’m STAYING on track… none of this, i-look-good-so-i-can-slack crap.

that isn’t happening anymore. IT CAN’T.

the past three days i’ve gone over my allotted calories… and so now i’m bloated, which makes me angry, etc. i mean, all day i just kept thinking about how i could be looking so much better.

i’m just so freaking self-destructive! 😦

anyone want a texting buddy? i need someone to talk me out of eating!!!

i’m also going to start posting thinspo everyday… and exercising AT LEAST twice a week outside of my gym class.

help me!!! 😦

Favorite Diet Food: little oranges, all berries except strawberries, sweet potatoes

Favorite Binge Food: cake, cookies (sweet things)

Favorite Exercise: dancing, walking around the mall, running (sometimes)

Thinspo: petite girls and actresses (audrey tautou ESPECIALLY!!!)

When Did It Start? 15 (though there were hints at 14)

Does Anyone Know?  nope


Do You Want Help? nope

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? THIGHS THIGHS THIGHS


Are You In A Relationship? no (sigh)

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? on the thin side but not the thinnest (yet…;) )

I AM –
[] anorexic
[x] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE –
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic (even I dont know..)

I WISH –
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[] I could avoid food
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE –
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


  • APPEARANCE
    [ ] I am 5’5.
    [x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
    [] I have many scars.
    [] I tan easily.
    [] I wish my hair was a different color.
    [] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
    [ ] I have a tattoo.
    [x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
    [x] I have/had braces.
    [ ] I wear glasses.
    [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
    [] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
    [ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
    [] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
    [] I have freckles.

    FAMILY
    [] I’ve sworn at my parents.
    [ ] I’ve run away from home.
    [ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
    [] My biological parents are together.
    [ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
    [x] I want to have kids someday.
    [ ] I’ve had children.
    [ ] I’ve lost a child.

    EMBARASSMENT
    [] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
    [] Disney movies still make me cry.
    [x] I’ve peed from laughing.
    [x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
    [x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.

    RELATIONSHIPS
    [x] I’m single
    [ ] I’m in a relationship.
    [ ] I’m engaged.
    [ ] I’m married.
    [ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
    [ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
    [x] I miss someone right now.
    [x] I have a fear of abandonment.
    [] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
    [ ] I’ve gotten divorced
    [ x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. <–story of my life!
    [ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
    [] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

    SEXUALITY
    [ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
    [x ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
    [] I am a cuddler.
    [ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.

    HONESTY
    [x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
    [x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
    [ ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
    [ ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
    [x] I am keeping a secret from the world
    [x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
    [x] I’ve cheated on a test.
    [ ] I’ve been suspended from school.

    BAD TIMES
    [ x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
    [ ] I regularly drink.
    [ x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
    [x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
    [ x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
    [x ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
    [] I’m addicted to self harm.
    [] I’ve woken up crying

  • is this true?

    September 5, 2009

    i read online that these colors represent these things (for lack of a better word):

    Red: Anoerexia
    Purple: Bulimia
    Green: fasting at that time
    Black: Si (self injury)
    Blue: depression
    Pink: ednos (eating disorder not yet specified)
    Orange: SIer (self injuryier)
    Orange and White: recovered SIer
    Turqoise-Overweight/Obese
    Ana Recovery-Red and Black
    Mia Recovery-purple and black
    cutter recovery-blue and black
    ednos recovery-black/green/blue
    orange or black = self harm
    yellow = suicidal
    blue or green = depression
    green = manic/bipolar depression
    teal = anxiety disorder + ocd + panic disorder

    i mean, i knew the basics (though i was under the impression that bulimia is blue), but the rest of these symbolic colors are completely foreign to me. has anyone else heard of this?

    today i’m a human again

    August 26, 2009

    … at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

    i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

    but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

    i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

    i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

    and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only have 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

    maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

    i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

    ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts. :-/

    i haven’t gotten one call, one text… NOTHING.

    why do i even bother with these people. do they care at all?

    it’s not possible that they don’t know. i walked out and left. i cried in my car (well, maybe they didn’t see THAT part)….

    i just don’t get it. it’s common courtesy, that’s all.

    by the way, i think i’m going to return to pro ana. i need something right now.

    summer is…

    June 26, 2009

    today’s been ok. better than yesterday. but yesterday kind of sucked sometimes so it’s not too much of an improvement, i guess.

    and yes. my newfound depression just have to do with love. in my case, loving someone who is unattainable for a couple of reasons, but who i just can’t seem to let go. i mean, we get on so well! how could we ever waste that???

    anyway, yesterday i had 997 cal despite my lack of hunger, and today i’ve had 1200 😦  but i’m going to the mall later so i’m hoping to walk it off.

    i had a weigh-in today. even though i have my period (and am thus WAAAY bloated) i’m 111 lbs. by the end of the summer i’d like to be 100 lbs. i still have a bit to go, but being bloated and 111 isn’t bad, is it? i mean, i’m not proud, but i’m a perfectionist. sometimes i need help knowing when i should be proud.

    anyway, i feel like thinspo today:

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