101

December 20, 2010

while not perfect– or, really, ideal— it’s not 102.8!

woo-frickin’-hoo!!!

seriously, i was stuck on that darn number for… a week? 10 days? (something ridiculous)

and now i’ve finally made it off that number and onto a different, lower number. (and one without any of those decimal points, which i like. 101.0. so chic, so sleek.)

yay.

also… my finals are over! HUZZAH! and i’m home 🙂 which is nice because i love my family… and i have easy access to an exercise bike AND an elliptical in our wonderful basement ❤ for when i eat too much. it’s my way of purging, so i suppose i’m running down that path towards “exercise bulimia” or “exercise anorexia”… but isn’t it healthier to get rid of calories by exercising then by vomiting?

anyway… celebratory thinspo:

a demain

ahoy, matey!

June 15, 2010

as per the advice of a lovely commenter, i’ve purchased some yerba mate tea bags. supposedly, ym helps with digestion and associated issues, weight loss, low energy levels… which is perfect for me! it seems too good to be true…

but i guess i’ll find out soon enough; i’ve got my first mug full of it next to me right now. it has a subtly odd smell and kind of tastes like green tea… i’m trying to decide whether that’s good or bad.

also… since my friends and i will soon be high school graduates, we were taking pictures today, and i must say that tip about holding your shoulders back really DOES make you look ten pounds lighter!!! i was like WOW i look so small! (in a cute way.) and if you have your arms on your hips, move your elbows back so that with your body, your arm creates a 45 degree angle (or whatever feels comfortable). i thought i’d look like a fool doing this… like some stiff, barbie-doll model but it’s starting to feel natural! i can’t wait to take more pictures tomorrow…

also, an old friend of mine, whom i kind of feel out of loop with during high school (though we ALWAYS happily chat when we run into each other) has been struggling with a combination of anorexia and exercise bulimia and has to be home-schooled now. i’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, because i want to be there for her if i can or at least provide some kind words. any advice? i saw her today and asked her how she was and she, chipper as always, replied that she was really good… 😦

i mean, i get it. i obviously get it– wanting to be thin. i don’t think i’m above her or anything AT ALL. that would simply be hypocritical. but i like to think that i know when to stop… i mean, when i was low 90s i was getting kind of freaked, but she must have 0-4% body fat at this point. she’s much worse off than me right now, so i feel like i should do whatever i can, because she’s always been kind to me… and she’s just one of those people who makes the world a better place!

so yes, any suggestions… because this is such a fragile topic.

now, as crude as i know it seems, i need to indulge in some sort of inspirational pictures, but i’ll keep it brief, because i don’t feel quite right about it knowing that my friend who’s suffering, and my other friend who’s been suffering even longer, probably looked at similiar pictures… maybe even saw the same ones.

not that i blame the pictures; not everyone who looks at a model develops an ED… ED’s appear to be hereditary to a large extent. i know mine is.

i need to stop ranting.

you know what? no photos on this post. i’ll put some on a separate post; i just feel too weird about it.

hey, everybody!

June 13, 2010

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂

my thighs

January 30, 2010

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…