more finals week happenings

December 12, 2010

so, i’ve been trying to do that thing when you open the window and shiver, and therefore, burn calories. except, the problem is that i get really f**king cold, so then i have to go close the window.

but then i have to open it again about 30 seconds later because the heat in my dorm room is turned up high, and if i turn it down it will, in fact, stop working. (my dorm is old as crap… but it’s gorgeous so whatever.)

it’s annoying, but between that and reading blogs i’ve only read one chapter for anthro final on wednesday. yes, i am a SUPREME over-acheiver.

you know what else was fun? dinner last night. firstly, because it was, in fact, dinner. out. with people. and of course i simply adore eating out AND people. not.

also, because a of lovely conversation:

friend: …because i’m the shortest one at this table.
me: hey, i’m not far behind.
CG: really? i always think you’re shorter.
me: well, i’m not.
CG: i always think you are.
me: ok. why?
friend: is it because i’m wide? (she’s not, btw)
me: no. are you calling me wide?
friend 2: i think he is.
me: you’re totally calling me fat.
CG: i’m not f**king (he loves that word) calling you fat…

and then he kept going. blah blah blah. but he was, correct? the reason one would look shorter would be because they look wider… like the psychology experiment when all the little children thought that the tall, thin glass would hold more water than a shorter, wider glass would even though they actually could hold the same volume. it’s all a matter of perception.

and, apparently, i’m the short, fat glass and “friend,” who, by the way, CG was pretty much obsessed with a couple of months ago… and who seems to still be the object of his version of affection, is the slightly shorter, less-wide glass that didn’t make it into the experiment, because it has better things to do.

not that i think any less of CG for that comment. i have daddy-issues… so logically i’ve now decided that i want to get into his EXTREMELY-intelligent-but-jerky-and-not-so-handsome pants.

so that’s kind of replaced my whole ace-this-anthro-final goal. now, all i need is to get him to agree to come over and have some beer (or a lot).

finals week in college/ university/ whatever you call it is so f**ked up… and it takes you down with it.

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no no NO

November 16, 2010

i’m not putting up with this crap anymore. i’m getting on track and i’m STAYING on track… none of this, i-look-good-so-i-can-slack crap.

that isn’t happening anymore. IT CAN’T.

the past three days i’ve gone over my allotted calories… and so now i’m bloated, which makes me angry, etc. i mean, all day i just kept thinking about how i could be looking so much better.

i’m just so freaking self-destructive! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

anyone want a texting buddy? i need someone to talk me out of eating!!!

i’m also going to start posting thinspo everyday… and exercising AT LEAST twice a week outside of my gym class.

help me!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

i am still here!

October 15, 2010

i haven’t posted in a very long time– possibly the longest i’ve gone since i started this blog. but i have a good reason: i left for college.

so now i’m here in a dorm. i have new friends, and new pounds. and the latter is really getting to me.

and you know where i used to go when i needed inspiration? here. so this is where i am.

i’m back!

i was a solid 96 pounds when i left home (which i was quite pleased with) and now ‘m in the 102-104 range and that ISN’T ok with me. i thought college would make losing weight easier, but it isn’t. i go with my friends to eat in order to have a social life, but in those all-you-can eat dining halls it’s so easy to slip up! they don’t post calories… and that freaks me out. i thought i’d be fine since i’m a vegan, but i guess not!

i’m now trying to get back on track, eating a lot of cooked vegetables, mushrooms, tofu, and raw vegetables with salsa. but my dorm has become a challenging place: sometimes i end up buying a box of cereal or vegan cookies and bringing them back with me and that’s no good. AND sometimes my mom ends up sending me food.

i need to start giving it away, the food she sends. and i need to stop buying food myself. only for immediate meals. and gum. lots of gum.

does anyone have any tips? this is all very new to me!

i also don’t have a roommate, which makes it easier for me to binge if i so choose. and i did once. and tried to throw it all up, but only got a little bit out. that was NOT a fun night. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

now, i’m off to shop for some thinspo! i’m excited to see all the new pictures up ๐Ÿ™‚

the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.

cheers

EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.

it’s only a day away

April 5, 2010

so tomorrow i start my first day sans birth control and i am SO excited!!! i really feel like this could be the start of a whole new chapter for me… i mean, i already feel happier, more free. and i know looks aren’t everything and weight’s not everything, but it’s something.

and what if the hormones from the pills have also been affecting my mood? i HAVE been crying a lot lately…

ag! i’m really hopeful this works out. ๐Ÿ™‚

randomness

February 12, 2010

ok. so someone brought up this question in class today: would you rather be too fat or too skinny?

i’m sure you can guess my answer; i thought it was the obvious choice, but from what i overheard, most people are in opposition.

what’s your answer?

failure friday

February 12, 2010

at least, that’s usually what friday is for me because i’m always EXHAUSTED after a week of school and homework and running around the hallways that all my willpower vanishes.

but not today.

it’s been SUCH a long time since i actually met my goal on a friday, and i fear that this will turn into a habit. and that would, frankly, suck.

so i’m going to eat some oranges, a healthy dinner, maybe a smidge of dessert and do my spastic-dance thing. (that’s my new favorite exercise; it’s sooo much fun! ๐Ÿ™‚ )

so, what do you say? let’s all reach our goals today so we can feel GREAT tomorrow morning!

^ her wrists are so small and dainty

my paper’s at its brain-vomit stage right now, and as a perfectionist, i HATE this stage. i’ll admit it’s pretty neat for brain vomit, and if i combine a few of the paragraphs i have right now and add some quotations, i’ll have a pretty decent start to the body-portion (as i have yet to write my introductory paragraph)… but this stage takes a lot out of me. it really does.

luckily, school’s cancelled tomorrow so i’ll have the day to work, but i’m determined to finish tonight so that i can just relax.

anyway, i needed a break and thought, what’s a better break than posting some thinspo for the nice people of wordpress? and then i realized that there is no better break (aside from things that i shouldn’t be doing… if you catch my drift. not that i’m a big ย rebel or anything because i’m not. i have friends who are, so i’m not against it, but that’s not my style. i’m more passive; i enjoy the fantasy but am too afraid to live in the reality)

^ jenny is the best GG thinspiration, in my opinion

this one, i REALLY need to comment on. i’d seen bloggers going on about jessica stroup’s style and how skinny she is and i FINALLY understand and have decided to try to watch 90210 if i can find the time. i guess i’m a jessica stroup convert, so you’ll be seeing much more of her. and don’t you just love the before and after, here? it gives me hope ๐Ÿ™‚

hurrah! i’m going to eat an orange and get back to work!