more finals week happenings

December 12, 2010

so, i’ve been trying to do that thing when you open the window and shiver, and therefore, burn calories. except, the problem is that i get really f**king cold, so then i have to go close the window.

but then i have to open it again about 30 seconds later because the heat in my dorm room is turned up high, and if i turn it down it will, in fact, stop working. (my dorm is old as crap… but it’s gorgeous so whatever.)

it’s annoying, but between that and reading blogs i’ve only read one chapter for anthro final on wednesday. yes, i am a SUPREME over-acheiver.

you know what else was fun? dinner last night. firstly, because it was, in fact, dinner. out. with people. and of course i simply adore eating out AND people. not.

also, because a of lovely conversation:

friend: …because i’m the shortest one at this table.
me: hey, i’m not far behind.
CG: really? i always think you’re shorter.
me: well, i’m not.
CG: i always think you are.
me: ok. why?
friend: is it because i’m wide? (she’s not, btw)
me: no. are you calling me wide?
friend 2: i think he is.
me: you’re totally calling me fat.
CG: i’m not f**king (he loves that word) calling you fat…

and then he kept going. blah blah blah. but he was, correct? the reason one would look shorter would be because they look wider… like the psychology experiment when all the little children thought that the tall, thin glass would hold more water than a shorter, wider glass would even though they actually could hold the same volume. it’s all a matter of perception.

and, apparently, i’m the short, fat glass and “friend,” who, by the way, CG was pretty much obsessed with a couple of months ago… and who seems to still be the object of his version of affection, is the slightly shorter, less-wide glass that didn’t make it into the experiment, because it has better things to do.

not that i think any less of CG for that comment. i have daddy-issues… so logically i’ve now decided that i want to get into his EXTREMELY-intelligent-but-jerky-and-not-so-handsome pants.

so that’s kind of replaced my whole ace-this-anthro-final goal. now, all i need is to get him to agree to come over and have some beer (or a lot).

finals week in college/ university/ whatever you call it is so f**ked up… and it takes you down with it.

no no NO

November 16, 2010

i’m not putting up with this crap anymore. i’m getting on track and i’m STAYING on track… none of this, i-look-good-so-i-can-slack crap.

that isn’t happening anymore. IT CAN’T.

the past three days i’ve gone over my allotted calories… and so now i’m bloated, which makes me angry, etc. i mean, all day i just kept thinking about how i could be looking so much better.

i’m just so freaking self-destructive! 😦

anyone want a texting buddy? i need someone to talk me out of eating!!!

i’m also going to start posting thinspo everyday… and exercising AT LEAST twice a week outside of my gym class.

help me!!! 😦

at peace?

November 9, 2010

I really think I might be over CG… but now my feelings for TA have increased, and that, unfortunately, is a no-go. At least, for now!

And I still have feelings for OG, who should be a no-go, but I just keep poking holes. Poke poke poke. Reminding him that I’m here, reminding him that he has other viable (and possibly, preferable) choices. And I will keep doing this… until he has children. Yes. Then I will stop… because I TRY to be a decent person.

Sometimes. Kind of.

So, I guess TA is the more probable of the two… so maybe I should start putting some money on him? (i.e. going to see him more. I need to soon anyway… darn project!)

My love life, though pretty much non-existant, is nonetheless screwed up, oui?

So… cheers to that! Thinspo:

ps. I have too much darn food in my room! Remind me to say NO to going to the grocery store… 😦

food pictures

October 19, 2010

last night:

tofu and mushrooms with a little bit of brown rice.

me last night:

for some reason the picture’s on its side. i’ll try to fix that.

i think i’m going to try to post a picture just a week to track my progress and motivate me!

tonight’s dinner:

lots and lots and lots of veggies, and vegan hummus with a few crackers.

today’s total comes to 950… which isn’t as low as i was aiming for, but i’m not complaining.

a bientot

suddenly monday

October 18, 2010

^^^ this is what i ate for lunch. tofu, brussel sprouts, and tofu chili. i’ll put it at 500 calories to be safe, but all this vegan food tends to be pretty darn healthy. i mean, this meal is at least 1/2 vegetable… and other meals can be 3/4 vegetable.

and it’s yummy!

honestly, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, because i started it while i was ichating with a friend from another college. but yeah.

i had a 200 cal breakfast, but i burned that off speed-walking back and forth around campus all day, so i’m at 500 cal. that means i will allow myself to have 500 cal at dinner.

yep.

i feel boring today… maybe after yesterday’s drama. all of the sudden, i just couldn’t handle any of my feelings and i got really upset about CG. but then last night i had a dream about the guy back home (did i give him a name? regardless, he’s now OG for older guy). It took place a year from now, and he was telling me how it wasn’t working out with his gf (who i think was his new wife in the dream). something about kids: he wanted them; she didn’t. i told him i wanted kids, and he gave me that look he’s been growing fonder of ever since last year– the one that knows that under different circumstances we’d be compatible.

and so when i woke up, i’d forgotten all about CG. after all, he, and any other guy for that matter, will always simply be a consolation prize.

and then i went to my history discussion and realized all over again how cute my TA is– how much he resembles OG. except, i thought, a younger version. (apparently, only 1/2 a year younger… why do i always think guys are younger than they are? wishful thinking?)

anyway, now my friends are beginning to think i’m crazy… and i am, but not because of the people i’m attracted to.

or am i?

this was a pointless post. i’m sorry. maybe thinspo would help?

except that the stupid attachment thing won’t load my photos. perfect.

i’m going to fix this… and then i’ll be back.

alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

dinner and thinspo

October 16, 2010

check it out! veggies, a mushroom, and a bit of an Indian-inspired rice dish.
yummy and healthy… and i actually feel good after having eaten it!!!
yay.
now the thinspo portion of this post:
now, truly bon soir 🙂
ps. college guy i just posted about (let’s call him CG for short) just agreed to come over later. will he come through this time? we shall see.
pps. had 1050 calories today. fairly pleased 😉

i am still here!

October 15, 2010

i haven’t posted in a very long time– possibly the longest i’ve gone since i started this blog. but i have a good reason: i left for college.

so now i’m here in a dorm. i have new friends, and new pounds. and the latter is really getting to me.

and you know where i used to go when i needed inspiration? here. so this is where i am.

i’m back!

i was a solid 96 pounds when i left home (which i was quite pleased with) and now ‘m in the 102-104 range and that ISN’T ok with me. i thought college would make losing weight easier, but it isn’t. i go with my friends to eat in order to have a social life, but in those all-you-can eat dining halls it’s so easy to slip up! they don’t post calories… and that freaks me out. i thought i’d be fine since i’m a vegan, but i guess not!

i’m now trying to get back on track, eating a lot of cooked vegetables, mushrooms, tofu, and raw vegetables with salsa. but my dorm has become a challenging place: sometimes i end up buying a box of cereal or vegan cookies and bringing them back with me and that’s no good. AND sometimes my mom ends up sending me food.

i need to start giving it away, the food she sends. and i need to stop buying food myself. only for immediate meals. and gum. lots of gum.

does anyone have any tips? this is all very new to me!

i also don’t have a roommate, which makes it easier for me to binge if i so choose. and i did once. and tried to throw it all up, but only got a little bit out. that was NOT a fun night. 😦

now, i’m off to shop for some thinspo! i’m excited to see all the new pictures up 🙂

the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

WTF

February 14, 2010

i weighed myself this morning. and guess what i got? 104.8. 104.8!

how the heck did i gain two pounds?!?

i’m praying that it has to do with the massive amount of liquids i drank yesterday, my congestion, or the fact that my digestive system doesn’t seem to be working.

or all of those reasons combined.

grrr…

so, i don’t know if my experiment worked because i spent the day with my friends who LOVE to eat (but are so skinny!) and we got italian food and REALLY good chocolate.

even the calories i burned walking around the city and shopping couldn’t save me… 😦  but i’ve got to keep up appearances, right? or is that just an excuse?

anyway, i’m going to try again today. so far, i’ve only had 200 cal which isn’t a bad start.

^ this girl kind of reminds me of me. not the body or the hair, but the face and eyes. it’s weird, because i’m not a normal-looking person. my features are quirky, if that makes sense.

ps. happy valentine’s day! if you like it, have a great time! if you don’t, you’re not alone 😉