apple cider vinegar

(by the way, i’m posting this from the building i take french in. how cool is that? i love laptops!)

this stuff is amazing: put it in water and it suppresses your appetite. put it on your skin and it cleans and dries out pimples.

it does smell really gross though… which i suppose is a good thing when you’re trying to avoid food.

so i had lunch with CG yesterday. and some of his friends. at first it was awkward like it usually is, but then i started to get more comfortable and they started talking to me instead of around me and it was kind of fun. they aren’t the kind of people i would choose as friends for myself, but they can be very entertaining.

anyway, i just thought of that because i’m waiting for him now. he has a class in this building in about half an hour, so we usually get to talk either before or after. its nice.

i’m still attracted to him, and i get jealous when he so much as talks to another girl, but i’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that he isn’t the one i want, and that we’d probably make a horrible couple.

also, another guy has come into the picture. i’ll call him TA because that’s what he is: my TA.

why does this always happen? 😉

alone

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

ahoy, matey!

as per the advice of a lovely commenter, i’ve purchased some yerba mate tea bags. supposedly, ym helps with digestion and associated issues, weight loss, low energy levels… which is perfect for me! it seems too good to be true…

but i guess i’ll find out soon enough; i’ve got my first mug full of it next to me right now. it has a subtly odd smell and kind of tastes like green tea… i’m trying to decide whether that’s good or bad.

also… since my friends and i will soon be high school graduates, we were taking pictures today, and i must say that tip about holding your shoulders back really DOES make you look ten pounds lighter!!! i was like WOW i look so small! (in a cute way.) and if you have your arms on your hips, move your elbows back so that with your body, your arm creates a 45 degree angle (or whatever feels comfortable). i thought i’d look like a fool doing this… like some stiff, barbie-doll model but it’s starting to feel natural! i can’t wait to take more pictures tomorrow…

also, an old friend of mine, whom i kind of feel out of loop with during high school (though we ALWAYS happily chat when we run into each other) has been struggling with a combination of anorexia and exercise bulimia and has to be home-schooled now. i’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, because i want to be there for her if i can or at least provide some kind words. any advice? i saw her today and asked her how she was and she, chipper as always, replied that she was really good… 😦

i mean, i get it. i obviously get it– wanting to be thin. i don’t think i’m above her or anything AT ALL. that would simply be hypocritical. but i like to think that i know when to stop… i mean, when i was low 90s i was getting kind of freaked, but she must have 0-4% body fat at this point. she’s much worse off than me right now, so i feel like i should do whatever i can, because she’s always been kind to me… and she’s just one of those people who makes the world a better place!

so yes, any suggestions… because this is such a fragile topic.

now, as crude as i know it seems, i need to indulge in some sort of inspirational pictures, but i’ll keep it brief, because i don’t feel quite right about it knowing that my friend who’s suffering, and my other friend who’s been suffering even longer, probably looked at similiar pictures… maybe even saw the same ones.

not that i blame the pictures; not everyone who looks at a model develops an ED… ED’s appear to be hereditary to a large extent. i know mine is.

i need to stop ranting.

you know what? no photos on this post. i’ll put some on a separate post; i just feel too weird about it.

not a bad start

ok, so i NEED to start losing again! this is just unacceptable. but i think i got a good start this morning. a friend came around this morning and we went for a walk. good conversation AND jump-starting my metabolism for the day??? good stuff! (-100 calories)

and then i had some breakie (275 cal) and then did some cleaning (-100 cal) and then had some lunch (200 cal).

s0 now i’m at 275, which isn’t too bad since i just have dinner to go, but i’m going to the dreaded buffet!!! why did i agree to this? can anyone explain this to me? i can be so self-destructive sometimes…

but at least i have room in my calories that i can slip up and have up to 800 and i’ll be ok…

ugh, i HAVE to do this! i think i’ll go clean some more to try to burn some extra calories…

don’t let today’s weakness ruin tomorrow’s dream, girls! 😉

everybody loves a winner, so nobody loves me

i think i’ve been watching too much glee… but this actually describes how i feel, at the moment. i went over my allotted the day before halloween by 300-something (WTF?!? i’m still so pissed) and the day after (yesterday) my deficit was less then 100. and all weekend my thighs looked bigger and my size-2 jeans didn’t hang on me like they did only a week before.

so today and this week i’m trying to do A LOT better… especially because i have a party on thursday with some friends whom i haven’t seen in a while, and i just NEED them to notice how my thighs are beginning to shape up.

it’s a very stressful time… also because the quarter is ending at school (grades!!!) and i applied early decision to a school that i’m beginning to feel less and less confident about.

i need a pick-me-up, and that means… THINSPO!

are these repeats??? i feel like they might be… 😦

anyway, enough about me. how are you guys? it’s been a long time.

EDIT: they are. here’s more:

yay 🙂

moving on

first off, i want to thank you all SO SO much for commenting! you guys really helped me feel better 🙂

i’m trying to move on. i’m waiting for school to start so i can get swept up in homework, standardized tests, and emt. i know that i’ll miss doing a sport (hence my interest in joining cross country) but i don’t think i will. unless i end up having too much time on my hands.

i’m still really mad at the coaches though. i don’t think that i explained the whole situation and i can’t now because it’s WAAAY too long, but here’s the short version:

i had a meeting with the head coach at the end of last year, during which he basically implied that if i could get my asthma under control and come out stronger in the running, i would make the team. he said absolutely NOTHING that gave me even the slightest hint that i wouldn’t.

then what? i’m cut. i’m cut AND i’m a senior (and seniors DON’T get cut… ever. any sport. not at my school)

but not only that, i’m the ONLY senior cut.

embarrassing, no?

so i’m still really mad at him, and i’m not sure how long it will take me to get over it. thing is, he was supposed to be my teacher this year (= a disaster?) so i’m currently trying to switch out of his class.

i now may have to take that class at a local college= even less time to think about what i’m missing. (but also less time to study, etc.)

i wish it didn’t happen; i wish i hadn’t been cut. but even so, i shouldn’t dwell on it. i’m trying to get out of shock-mode and back on my feet.

oh, and hopefully make some new friends.

today i’m a human again

… at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only have 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts.

i have the worst friends ever

i haven’t gotten one call, one text… NOTHING.

why do i even bother with these people. do they care at all?

it’s not possible that they don’t know. i walked out and left. i cried in my car (well, maybe they didn’t see THAT part)….

i just don’t get it. it’s common courtesy, that’s all.

by the way, i think i’m going to return to pro ana. i need something right now.

pre-preseason practice

i went to field hockey today. we played for about 20 minutes and then ran the rest of the 2 hours. my friend is injured so she had to stop a few times to walk (especially going up hills) and i wanted to be nice, so i walked with her.

it’s nice to be nice, but part of me wanted to keep running– to burn more calories and get a better workout.

then again, i was already sore from practice and we got some extra chat in, so i don’t know.

well, i DO know that i did the right thing. that’s what friends are for, nay?

and i’m gonna run tomorrow– extra, to make up for it. in fact, i’m hoping to drive to the track so i can time my 3 mile, since we’re gonna need that for tryouts.

geez, i’m nervous for that. sprinting’s going to be a MESS– especially with my asthma. the whole stopping and starting thing makes my lungs go crazy. ugh.

but no sense dwelling on it now, right?

change of subject: has anyone shopped at modcloth.com? i kept seeing ads on all these fashion websites and got really pissed off so i clicked on one… and then heaven appeared. it is seriously a gorgeous store. it seems to have TERRIBLE sales and the clothes aren’t dirt cheap, but they’re not heinously expensive either. as soon as i get paid, i’m gonna order some stuff and see what the quality’s like. 🙂

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! the biggest favor, por favor!

alright, so a friend of mine is selling some of her old (and new) clothes.

most of the pieces are small sizes (xs and s) AND there are losts of accessories and shoes, AND the site is updated contanstly with more stuff!

so, please please please… i ask just one favor of you: go check it out. just a glance. if you’re really kind you’ll tell your friends, add it to your blogroll. or even buy something. if you do that, i will love you forever! 🙂

so here’s the link: http://recyclingfashion.blogspot.com/

if you tell her that karnii sent you, you may even get a discount. 😉