99.6

November 7, 2010

I’m back, baby!

At least for today. At least for this weigh-in.

And, at least in terms of weight.

I’m still guy-less. I shouldn’t feel desperate but I am. I texted this guy last last, whom I met during orientation (let’s call him OG… except, I already have one of those, don’t I? Well, I met him randomly, so let’s call him RG. So now, to clarify, there’s an RG, OG, CG, and TA). I asked if he wanted to go see a movie but he said he was too busy with work.

And I have no reason to believe that’s not the case, because I ran into him last week and he was grabbing a sandwich to take back to his room because he had to study with prelims.

Regardless, I was disappointed… but I ended up watching Amelie at the community center, and that’s one of my favorite movies, so it ended up being a pretty good night!

*sigh* I love Audrey Tautou. She’s gorgeous and thin…

But I digress.

Maybe the secret to happiness is always having a viable Plan B.

And being asexual.

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men. sigh.

October 25, 2010

so last night at about 9, i get a call. who’s it from? CG. he wants to go skating. his friends from his building can’t go, so he wants me to step in.

i’ll take it!

so we go. we skate. we talk. he makes fun of my skating because after 8 year of not skating i’ve forgotten how. i almost fall a few times and he catches me.

it was FUN. and i got to know another layer of him… because that’s the thing with him. he has TONS of layers, and some people just can’t seem to get past that first arrogant (but trรฉs amusant!) layer.

and he really enjoys my company. he told me that. ๐Ÿ™‚ but i can’t help thinking that maybe i’m the consolation prize to (is that the right word?) his friends… or my friend, whom he liked but didn’t share his feelings.

and then this morning in discussion i see TA. and he’s still pale with those eyes. and still kind of awkward. and i feel like even though CG and i SHOULD be able to work it out (i mean, we’re in the same year, both single, get along, etc.) but i feel like i have a better chance with TA. and i shouldn’t. it’s crazy!

and then my mom texts me and asks me if i have a boyfriend. she’s “just wondering.” bluh.

but, hey! i had a good day yesterday eating-wise AND burned some calories skating.

and i just bought new skates so i can burn more. ๐Ÿ˜‰

apple cider vinegar

October 20, 2010

(by the way, i’m posting this from the building i take french in. how cool is that? i love laptops!)

this stuff is amazing: put it in water and it suppresses your appetite. put it on your skin and it cleans and dries out pimples.

it does smell really gross though… which i suppose is a good thing when you’re trying to avoid food.

so i had lunch with CG yesterday. and some of his friends. at first it was awkward like it usually is, but then i started to get more comfortable and they started talking to me instead of around me and it was kind of fun. they aren’t the kind of people i would choose as friends for myself, but they can be very entertaining.

anyway, i just thought of that because i’m waiting for him now. he has a class in this building in about half an hour, so we usually get to talk either before or after. its nice.

i’m still attracted to him, and i get jealous when he so much as talks to another girl, but i’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that he isn’t the one i want, and that we’d probably make a horrible couple.

also, another guy has come into the picture. i’ll call him TA because that’s what he is: my TA.

why does this always happen? ๐Ÿ˜‰

suddenly monday

October 18, 2010

^^^ this is what i ate for lunch. tofu, brussel sprouts, and tofu chili. i’ll put it at 500 calories to be safe, but all this vegan food tends to be pretty darn healthy. i mean, this meal is at least 1/2 vegetable… and other meals can be 3/4 vegetable.

and it’s yummy!

honestly, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, because i started it while i was ichating with a friend from another college. but yeah.

i had a 200 cal breakfast, but i burned that off speed-walking back and forth around campus all day, so i’m at 500 cal. that means i will allow myself to have 500 cal at dinner.

yep.

i feel boring today… maybe after yesterday’s drama. all of the sudden, i just couldn’t handle any of my feelings and i got really upset about CG. but then last night i had a dream about the guy back home (did i give him a name? regardless, he’s now OG for older guy). It took place a year from now, and he was telling me how it wasn’t working out with his gf (who i think was his new wife in the dream). something about kids: he wanted them; she didn’t. i told him i wanted kids, and he gave me that look he’s been growing fonder of ever since last year– the one that knows that under different circumstances we’d be compatible.

and so when i woke up, i’d forgotten all about CG. after all, he, and any other guy for that matter, will always simply be a consolation prize.

and then i went to my history discussion and realized all over again how cute my TA is– how much he resembles OG. except, i thought, a younger version. (apparently, only 1/2 a year younger… why do i always think guys are younger than they are? wishful thinking?)

anyway, now my friends are beginning to think i’m crazy… and i am, but not because of the people i’m attracted to.

or am i?

this was a pointless post. i’m sorry. maybe thinspo would help?

except that the stupid attachment thing won’t load my photos. perfect.

i’m going to fix this… and then i’ll be back.

alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

๐Ÿ™‚ / ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

au revoir!

dinner and thinspo

October 16, 2010

check it out! veggies, a mushroom, and a bit of an Indian-inspired rice dish.
yummy and healthy… and i actually feel good after having eaten it!!!
yay.
now the thinspo portion of this post:
now, truly bon soir ๐Ÿ™‚
ps. college guy i just posted about (let’s call him CG for short) just agreed to come over later. will he come through this time? we shall see.
pps. had 1050 calories today. fairly pleased ๐Ÿ˜‰

you know that guy i’ve been talking about? well, i don’t know if i told you that we’re emailing, but we are.

kind of.

you see, i emailed him back an email and he has not replied in 3 weeks. and do you know what that does to a girl like me?

flips her out!

i mean, he’s probably just busy… but then that begs the obvious retort, too busy for me? the girl you said you’d miss? yeah right.

guys lie. they’re liars!

but what if that’s not it. (this is the scary part) what if he suddenly realized that omg i’ve been in love with him for 2 years? and now he’s avoiding me because he feels awkward because he doesn’t feel the same way…

or because he’s not supposed to.

i just wish he’d write back. to clear my head… and because i miss him. a lot. he’s in my dreams pretty much every night… :-/

this all makes me feel like such a stalker-freak. so… enough. thinspo time:

ps. wordpress is SOOO much better than blogspot. uploading pictures is a fiasco and reading other people’s blogs is so irritating that i’ve pretty much stopped doing it.

also, none of you are there. so yeah. wordpress is king!!!

thinspo thinspo thinspo

September 24, 2009

i had a good day today. a good talk with my love. a great test grade. an okay quiz grade. an even more okay grade on a paper…

i think i deserve some thinspo!

in fact, i think we ALL deserve some thinspo for almost being done with the week! woo!

497

the knees โค

498

the thighs โค

499

500

501

that last pic is especially good for me, as i’m white as a ghost and used to use that as an excuse for why i looked so fat (ever notice that when your thighs are tanned they look thinner?).

anyway…

last week or so i’ve been in the 1100s and the 1000s (mostly the 1000s) calorie-wise; i’m afraid i’m going to plateauย soon… or maybe i already have. i felt fat today ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

so maybe i’ll have a 1500 day soon to give my metabolism a little kick? i don’t feel comfortable going down; i already am finding it harder to concentrate at times and occasionally shake…

could be my imagination though. a placebo-effect, if you will.

We’re Going To Be Friends

September 2, 2009

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, books and pens
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends
Walk with me Susie Lee
Through the park and by the tree
We can rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we’ve found
Safely walk to school without a sound
We safely walk to school without a sound
Well here we are no one else
We walk to school all by ourselves
There’s dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it’s time to learn
We clean up and now it’s time to learn
Numbers letters learn to spell
Nouns and books and show and tell
Play time we will throw the ball
Then back to class through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
And we don’t notice any time pass
Because we don’t notice anything
And we sit side by side in every class
The teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes it when you sing
Tonight I’ll dream in my bed
While silly thoughts run through my head
Of the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet
That you and I will walk together again
Because I can tell that we are going to be friends
I can tell that we are going to be friends

ย 

so i went back to school today. it was alright but i already have a TON of homework from all my AP classes. i’m taking 4. kill me now.

anyway, i saw coach-devil today. twice. or maybe it was 3 times. and i saw coach-bitch (that’s the jv one) twice or three times. so that was great.

BUT i saw my love twice, and that just cancelled all the bad out. ๐Ÿ™‚

i also got to see this guy who i used to/ still do kind of have a crush on. he spent time abroad last year, but now he’s back in on of my classes, and we’ve been put at a table together. just the two of us.

but he hasn’t said anything or seems like he wants to, and i’m too shy/ scared. what should i do?

yayayayay

July 31, 2009

he’s home! he’s home! my love-crush is home! which means he’s safe… which means he didn’t get killed by a giant spider. ๐Ÿ™‚

i’ve been waiting for this day for over a month. a frickin MONTH! and now it’s here. and he’s back in the same country as me, in the same state. and i WOULD feel happy…

if i didn’t have to go away tomorrow! which means that i’m going to have to wait a whole other week to see him… maybe even two if practice happens to get rained out on my one possible day that i could see him when i return.

*sigh*

i want to be perfect for him. i want to be beautiful, smart, and skinny. but not too skinny… guys don’t like girls who are ALL bone. but high 90s. that would be a compromise. ๐Ÿ™‚

i miss him. he’s here somewhere, but i miss him. i miss undoing my scarve as we talk about cats when i’ve just come in from the cold and the way he looks at me when i’ve done or said something funny. it’s so beautiful that it hurt me… with such pleasurable pain for i knew it wouldn’t last.

and it hasn’t. that moment isn’t with me now… only in my memory. and i’m probably remebering it wrong (memories can be deceptive, you know).

gosh, i need to see him.