that would be me. but NOT intentionally, i swear!

i’ve had stomach flu for officially a week tomorrow (my stomach’s really bad so it takes me a while to get over even small bugs…) and it hasn’t been fun. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself in the mirror these days… but the pain just isn’t worth it. it would be more difficult, but i wish my intestines would work normally so i could lose weight at least somewhat-normally. whatever that is…

anyway, i’m no longer a high school student. it’s been over two weeks but i have yet to process the fact, so that’s all i have to say on the subject. unless anyone has any specific questions, of course 😉

ummm… oh, yes. and OF COURSE i will miss him– my guy. hell, i miss him already. he hugged me though, at graduation… that was really nice. it felt right… like i didn’t even have to think about it: he held out his arms and i melted into him. i was too calm from the comfort to be happy-happy…

and now we’re emailing. we went from hugs to emails in just a couple of days. talk about a downgrade…

but it’s nice, too. better than never hearing from him again… but in person things slip out that don’t slip out in emails, and sometimes those small tidbits are the most useful… the most motivating…

and sometimes they’re about engagement rings and they crush you. but i’m better off for knowing, because now i know that this is when i need to make any sort of play that i intend to make. now, if he would only hint at the wedding date i would know about how long/ short and sneaky/ upfront this play can be.

email is really messing with my plans.

so how are all of you?

i promise to post pictures next time. i just don’t remember where i left off….

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weird day

June 16, 2010

today was a day i’m going to need time to reflect on in order to accept that it happened. it was just one of those days that was odd– like when you’re sitting in a room and thinking to yourself, i can’t really be here can i? surely, i’m not actually doing this, but you’re there and you are. and you can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

do you know what i’m talking about? i’m not the best at explanations…

pictures:

^^^ does anyone know who this is and/ or what this is an ad for?

ahoy, matey!

June 15, 2010

as per the advice of a lovely commenter, i’ve purchased some yerba mate tea bags. supposedly, ym helps with digestion and associated issues, weight loss, low energy levels… which is perfect for me! it seems too good to be true…

but i guess i’ll find out soon enough; i’ve got my first mug full of it next to me right now. it has a subtly odd smell and kind of tastes like green tea… i’m trying to decide whether that’s good or bad.

also… since my friends and i will soon be high school graduates, we were taking pictures today, and i must say that tip about holding your shoulders back really DOES make you look ten pounds lighter!!! i was like WOW i look so small! (in a cute way.) and if you have your arms on your hips, move your elbows back so that with your body, your arm creates a 45 degree angle (or whatever feels comfortable). i thought i’d look like a fool doing this… like some stiff, barbie-doll model but it’s starting to feel natural! i can’t wait to take more pictures tomorrow…

also, an old friend of mine, whom i kind of feel out of loop with during high school (though we ALWAYS happily chat when we run into each other) has been struggling with a combination of anorexia and exercise bulimia and has to be home-schooled now. i’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, because i want to be there for her if i can or at least provide some kind words. any advice? i saw her today and asked her how she was and she, chipper as always, replied that she was really good… 😦

i mean, i get it. i obviously get it– wanting to be thin. i don’t think i’m above her or anything AT ALL. that would simply be hypocritical. but i like to think that i know when to stop… i mean, when i was low 90s i was getting kind of freaked, but she must have 0-4% body fat at this point. she’s much worse off than me right now, so i feel like i should do whatever i can, because she’s always been kind to me… and she’s just one of those people who makes the world a better place!

so yes, any suggestions… because this is such a fragile topic.

now, as crude as i know it seems, i need to indulge in some sort of inspirational pictures, but i’ll keep it brief, because i don’t feel quite right about it knowing that my friend who’s suffering, and my other friend who’s been suffering even longer, probably looked at similiar pictures… maybe even saw the same ones.

not that i blame the pictures; not everyone who looks at a model develops an ED… ED’s appear to be hereditary to a large extent. i know mine is.

i need to stop ranting.

you know what? no photos on this post. i’ll put some on a separate post; i just feel too weird about it.

no words

June 14, 2010

i don’t feel like talking today. all i will say is: men.

😦

hey, everybody!

June 13, 2010

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

first off, i want to think you guys SOOO FREAKING MUCH for your support yesterday… well, today. i still feel disappointed and i don’t know how/ when i’ll get rid of that feeling, but i would have felt a lot worse had it not been for your incredible comments. you’re really the sweetest people.

so… in attempt to take my mind off things (aka HIM), i will post about something completely unrelated:

Lisa Mitchell

these last to pictures, as well as the first in this set, are from her Coin Laundry music video. if you’ve never heard her, this is definitely the video to check out! it’s so whimsical and fun… and she’s stunning, in my opinion. and incredibly talented! i watched the video of her singing this live… she has a different kind of singing voice than the norm but i envy it just the same!

my favorite song of hers has got to be Neopolitan Dreams, but i don’t think i’ve heard them all, as only a few of hers are available to download on itunes (i had to get Coin Laundry… elsewhere, if you get my drift 😉 ). 😦  i’m hoping the rest come soon!

anyway, i just think she’s awesome and her music always seems to put me at peace. she deserves to be famous, for, unlike so many others, she really is talented!

what do you think? i’ve never really done music commentary before…

well, then

June 5, 2010

ironically, i was so darn worried about how i’d look, but that wasn’t the problem at all. i mean, my arms and calves could have been thinner, but i actually felt pretty decent about myself. especially with my hair and makeup all done up…

my problem is that i thought someone would be thee and then he wasn’t.

and now i’m sitting, still wearing my dress because i don’t know what to do with it. and my hair and make-up are still on because i don’t want to wash this short time of beauty away like that.

i think i’m trying to convince myself that the night isn’t over. that i’m still at prom, and he might be coming.

i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.

cheers

EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.

it’s only a day away

April 5, 2010

so tomorrow i start my first day sans birth control and i am SO excited!!! i really feel like this could be the start of a whole new chapter for me… i mean, i already feel happier, more free. and i know looks aren’t everything and weight’s not everything, but it’s something.

and what if the hormones from the pills have also been affecting my mood? i HAVE been crying a lot lately…

ag! i’m really hopeful this works out. 🙂