i told

October 16, 2010

i’ve been wanting someone– ANYONE– to figure it out for a long time now. to say, you look too skinny. you’re not eating enough. i’ve even hinted! talking about how i want to lose weight, how i’ve fasted for days at a time, and NOTHING!

even when i was down to around 91 no one was saying anything, so now that i’m a bit more than that, i guess i shouldn’t have expected anything either.

but it’s like i want it! i want people to care about this. they care in other ways… but sometimes that isn’t enough.

for instance, right now i’m waiting for this guy i’v found in college whom i care about and have passionate feelings for to text.

but guess what? he wont. he likes me, i think. we’re friends. but i don’t think he’ll ever REALLY care… at least, not as much as i want, and not without me having to prompt him.

oh, wait. he just did. and dinner? yeah, he isn’t coming. he’s busy. he’s always busy.

i miss the guy i had back home… well, i didn’t FULLY have him, but i had him more than i’ve ever had a guy. he cared. he didn’t have to try; he just did. and he was KIND and funny and smart and gorgeous. and he was happy to see me.

i visited him last week. i thought i was over him and we could just have a friendly conversation… and that’s how it started. i was a fool to think some college boy could ever occupy the void i’ve reserved for him. it was one of the most fulfilling conversations i’ve had… and now i know he DOES have feelings for me.

i wish something could happen there; i’m in love with him. but i love him, and if he truly believes he’s found happiness with someone else, that’s great for him. but if that’s the case, why is he so hung up in me? on that poem i wrote?

shit.

i’m confused. and when i take time to REALLY think, i’m unhappy.

anyway, i told. i need to see a counselor here in order to be given a psychiatrist, so i went yesterday. she had one of those questionnaires that she read out: have you been abused? no. have you ever harmed yourself? no.

and then she brought up body image… and i just felt the words fill my cheeks and i said, yes. i wish i were skinnier.

then she asked me if i’ve ever restricted and i said yes. she asked, now? and i think i said, a little bit (but i’m not sure).

i didn’t tell her that i binge sometimes, or that i try to purge, but i told her something and now SOMEONE knows. she doesn’t care, but she knows.

and i’m not going to stop. i’ve written 98 on my hand and i need to get back there. that’s just the way it is.

bon soir.

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the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

you know that guy i’ve been talking about? well, i don’t know if i told you that we’re emailing, but we are.

kind of.

you see, i emailed him back an email and he has not replied in 3 weeks. and do you know what that does to a girl like me?

flips her out!

i mean, he’s probably just busy… but then that begs the obvious retort, too busy for me? the girl you said you’d miss? yeah right.

guys lie. they’re liars!

but what if that’s not it. (this is the scary part) what if he suddenly realized that omg i’ve been in love with him for 2 years? and now he’s avoiding me because he feels awkward because he doesn’t feel the same way…

or because he’s not supposed to.

i just wish he’d write back. to clear my head… and because i miss him. a lot. he’s in my dreams pretty much every night… :-/

this all makes me feel like such a stalker-freak. so… enough. thinspo time:

ps. wordpress is SOOO much better than blogspot. uploading pictures is a fiasco and reading other people’s blogs is so irritating that i’ve pretty much stopped doing it.

also, none of you are there. so yeah. wordpress is king!!!

that would be me. but NOT intentionally, i swear!

i’ve had stomach flu for officially a week tomorrow (my stomach’s really bad so it takes me a while to get over even small bugs…) and it hasn’t been fun. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself in the mirror these days… but the pain just isn’t worth it. it would be more difficult, but i wish my intestines would work normally so i could lose weight at least somewhat-normally. whatever that is…

anyway, i’m no longer a high school student. it’s been over two weeks but i have yet to process the fact, so that’s all i have to say on the subject. unless anyone has any specific questions, of course 😉

ummm… oh, yes. and OF COURSE i will miss him– my guy. hell, i miss him already. he hugged me though, at graduation… that was really nice. it felt right… like i didn’t even have to think about it: he held out his arms and i melted into him. i was too calm from the comfort to be happy-happy…

and now we’re emailing. we went from hugs to emails in just a couple of days. talk about a downgrade…

but it’s nice, too. better than never hearing from him again… but in person things slip out that don’t slip out in emails, and sometimes those small tidbits are the most useful… the most motivating…

and sometimes they’re about engagement rings and they crush you. but i’m better off for knowing, because now i know that this is when i need to make any sort of play that i intend to make. now, if he would only hint at the wedding date i would know about how long/ short and sneaky/ upfront this play can be.

email is really messing with my plans.

so how are all of you?

i promise to post pictures next time. i just don’t remember where i left off….

as promised

^^^ if only…

^^^ i LOVE gemma!!! she’s so beautiful

can i talk about something a little off topic? right now i’m experiencing semi-requited love. he’s with someone and he’s very committed (ie committed to be engaged) but i know that he has feelings for me and has probably thought a couple of if… then… statements regarding me. and i wish he would admit this, though i understand he can’t, but it’s painful. it’s painful to know that the feelings are there but a relationship will probably never even be attempted… wasted feelings… so close, yet so far… and to know that i’ll probably never get any confirmation of this from him… that i could be imagining it, though i’m not the only one who sees it… no, sir.

i don’t think that anyone should have to wonder, and i think that if someone attached does wonder, it might be an indication that something in the relationship is awry. not that i’ve ever been in a serious relationship… those are just my thoughts, if they’re comprehensible.

i just wish there was something bold, but not destructive to him or his current relationship that i could do to… i don’t know… feel somewhat satisfied that i did all i could to make this one dream really happen.

what do you think? (i’m sorry that i’ve been asking so many questions lately)

no words

June 14, 2010

i don’t feel like talking today. all i will say is: men.

😦

pictuuures

June 8, 2010

crisis averted. drank a little beer to settle my stomach and then went to bed.

so, i’m getting a new computer, so i’m gonna start posting mass amounts of pictures so that i don’t have transfer them. i hope that’s ok.

^^^ i love skins 🙂

^^^ this is the beach body i’d like

^^^ cute sweater (i love sweaters)

have any of you ever been in love with someone with a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other, maybe even a fiance or spouse, or just someone you couldn’t have for whatever reason? because i need some serious advice on this subject and i’m feeling very alone right now. 😦

ps. i got a twitter, but it’s my personal one so i’m afraid to post it here lest someone figures out this blog is mine. not that i’m ashamed of anything i’ve written here… it’s just very personal. anyway, if any of you have one, we should exchange.

first off, i want to think you guys SOOO FREAKING MUCH for your support yesterday… well, today. i still feel disappointed and i don’t know how/ when i’ll get rid of that feeling, but i would have felt a lot worse had it not been for your incredible comments. you’re really the sweetest people.

so… in attempt to take my mind off things (aka HIM), i will post about something completely unrelated:

Lisa Mitchell

these last to pictures, as well as the first in this set, are from her Coin Laundry music video. if you’ve never heard her, this is definitely the video to check out! it’s so whimsical and fun… and she’s stunning, in my opinion. and incredibly talented! i watched the video of her singing this live… she has a different kind of singing voice than the norm but i envy it just the same!

my favorite song of hers has got to be Neopolitan Dreams, but i don’t think i’ve heard them all, as only a few of hers are available to download on itunes (i had to get Coin Laundry… elsewhere, if you get my drift 😉 ). 😦  i’m hoping the rest come soon!

anyway, i just think she’s awesome and her music always seems to put me at peace. she deserves to be famous, for, unlike so many others, she really is talented!

what do you think? i’ve never really done music commentary before…

well, then

June 5, 2010

ironically, i was so darn worried about how i’d look, but that wasn’t the problem at all. i mean, my arms and calves could have been thinner, but i actually felt pretty decent about myself. especially with my hair and makeup all done up…

my problem is that i thought someone would be thee and then he wasn’t.

and now i’m sitting, still wearing my dress because i don’t know what to do with it. and my hair and make-up are still on because i don’t want to wash this short time of beauty away like that.

i think i’m trying to convince myself that the night isn’t over. that i’m still at prom, and he might be coming.

worried

October 19, 2009

this is going to sound slightly paranoid– nay, EXTREMELY paranoid, but that’s what applying to college ED has done to me.

ok, so i’m worried about what happened with my big p this month. i mean, it didn’t really happen! this might be tmi, but there wasn’t even any real bleeding– just spotting. i pumped up my calories during the week too! it was up to around 1100-1300 most days! and it’s not like i’m anywhere even remotely near dangerously skinny.

but what if this means i can’t get pregnant? i mean, i don’t want a baby now; i’m only in high school! but if some magic occurs that lets me find a guy i really love love me back, then i’d like to have the possibility, you know?

wait… could this have anything to do with my being on birth control pills? (it’s a low dose)