i told

October 16, 2010

i’ve been wanting someone– ANYONE– to figure it out for a long time now. to say, you look too skinny. you’re not eating enough. i’ve even hinted! talking about how i want to lose weight, how i’ve fasted for days at a time, and NOTHING!

even when i was down to around 91 no one was saying anything, so now that i’m a bit more than that, i guess i shouldn’t have expected anything either.

but it’s like i want it! i want people to care about this. they care in other ways… but sometimes that isn’t enough.

for instance, right now i’m waiting for this guy i’v found in college whom i care about and have passionate feelings for to text.

but guess what? he wont. he likes me, i think. we’re friends. but i don’t think he’ll ever REALLY care… at least, not as much as i want, and not without me having to prompt him.

oh, wait. he just did. and dinner? yeah, he isn’t coming. he’s busy. he’s always busy.

i miss the guy i had back home… well, i didn’t FULLY have him, but i had him more than i’ve ever had a guy. he cared. he didn’t have to try; he just did. and he was KIND and funny and smart and gorgeous. and he was happy to see me.

i visited him last week. i thought i was over him and we could just have a friendly conversation… and that’s how it started. i was a fool to think some college boy could ever occupy the void i’ve reserved for him. it was one of the most fulfilling conversations i’ve had… and now i know he DOES have feelings for me.

i wish something could happen there; i’m in love with him. but i love him, and if he truly believes he’s found happiness with someone else, that’s great for him. but if that’s the case, why is he so hung up in me? on that poem i wrote?

shit.

i’m confused. and when i take time to REALLY think, i’m unhappy.

anyway, i told. i need to see a counselor here in order to be given a psychiatrist, so i went yesterday. she had one of those questionnaires that she read out: have you been abused? no. have you ever harmed yourself? no.

and then she brought up body image… and i just felt the words fill my cheeks and i said, yes. i wish i were skinnier.

then she asked me if i’ve ever restricted and i said yes. she asked, now? and i think i said, a little bit (but i’m not sure).

i didn’t tell her that i binge sometimes, or that i try to purge, but i told her something and now SOMEONE knows. she doesn’t care, but she knows.

and i’m not going to stop. i’ve written 98 on my hand and i need to get back there. that’s just the way it is.

bon soir.

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the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!