not a bad start

January 23, 2010

ok, so i NEED to start losing again! this is just unacceptable. but i think i got a good start this morning. a friend came around this morning and we went for a walk. good conversation AND jump-starting my metabolism for the day??? good stuff! (-100 calories)

and then i had some breakie (275 cal) and then did some cleaning (-100 cal) and then had some lunch (200 cal).

s0 now i’m at 275, which isn’t too bad since i just have dinner to go, but i’m going to the dreaded buffet!!! why did i agree to this? can anyone explain this to me? i can be so self-destructive sometimes…

but at least i have room in my calories that i can slip up and have up to 800 and i’ll be ok…

ugh, i HAVE to do this! i think i’ll go clean some more to try to burn some extra calories…

don’t let today’s weakness ruin tomorrow’s dream, girls! 😉

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i think i’m angry

July 20, 2009

don’t youjust hate people sometimes? especially people who are skinnier than you? especially people who are skinnier than you but keep talking about how fat they are?

then you’ll know what i’m going through.

i have a friend who’s my height and 90 pounds. i’m not kidding; i overheard our gym intructor telling her her weight. she always talks about binging and how big her thighs are, even though she still wears kids’ “slim” sizes. it’s really quite aggrevating because

a) because her metabolism is obviously a lot faster than mine since she can have full-sized lunches and ice cream and remain stickly (but not TOO stickly; she has a butt) and

b) because if she thinks SHE’s fat, was must she think about ME? poor girl. she doesn’t eat lunch but is still 20 lbs heavier than me. ??? (not that i will be for long, i hope…)

i feel like there’s a c but i can’t think of it right now…

maybe that she talks about it incessantly? or that she is really, truly WORRIED; not fishing for compliments.

i love her, but i’m glad to have a break from her right now.

… either that or my period’s making me feel all messed up. sorry if that’s tmi.

i told you about not feeling hungry yesterday… well, i sucked it up and ate. 1025 calories. i don;t know if that was the right thing to do, but whatever.

and today, i’d eaten 500 and just felt totally done. now i’ve had 800 and i’m really full. but i can;t have my metabolism shut down. i just can’t.

why does eating have to be so damn hard? there are so many calculations and measurements, signals from the body that you have to pay attention to but usually end up ignoring because you know better.

at least, that’s what i do. what i’m doing.

my body said to stop eating 3oo calories ago but ugggg! WTF?!? WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?

please, someone, anyone, help me out!

i’m at a loss

so far, so good (today)

July 18, 2009

today i ate less than 600 cal. then i ran. now i’ve retained less than 400 cal.

so far, that is.

and i know that that’s bad. i mean, it’s good for the ana in me who craves bones, but bad for my logical side that knows that a) i won’t be able to function like that for very long and b) it’ll slow down my metabolism and then i’ll gain weight.

so i have to eat. probably around 600 cal.

but i’m not hungy. so there’s the dilemna: do i still follow what my body tells me, even if i think it’s probably really bad?

what should i do?