100.8

December 21, 2010

remember yesterday when i praised the lack of a decimal point? well, screw that, because i like this number better!

100.8

it’s only .2 away from 101, but what a difference it makes! i mean, i now have hope that maybe, possibly, i can get back into the double digits by christmas!

what a gift that would be…

i guess i’m doing something right. i started a new exel spreadsheet to keep track of my daily calorie-intake, etc. and this one also keeps track of my weight… meaning that i have to weight myself every single day. i think that is definitely helping me get back on track!

in fact, a study done at my university found that students who weighed themselves everyday were much, much, much (can you tell that i don’t remember the percentage? 😉 ) more likely to NOT gain the freshman 15.

well, my personal findings support that supposition.

^^^ gorgeous calves!

anyhow, how are all of you? i was gone for so long this fall that i’m trying to catch up on all of my blogs and it’s taking a while. 🙂

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c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

i am still here!

October 15, 2010

i haven’t posted in a very long time– possibly the longest i’ve gone since i started this blog. but i have a good reason: i left for college.

so now i’m here in a dorm. i have new friends, and new pounds. and the latter is really getting to me.

and you know where i used to go when i needed inspiration? here. so this is where i am.

i’m back!

i was a solid 96 pounds when i left home (which i was quite pleased with) and now ‘m in the 102-104 range and that ISN’T ok with me. i thought college would make losing weight easier, but it isn’t. i go with my friends to eat in order to have a social life, but in those all-you-can eat dining halls it’s so easy to slip up! they don’t post calories… and that freaks me out. i thought i’d be fine since i’m a vegan, but i guess not!

i’m now trying to get back on track, eating a lot of cooked vegetables, mushrooms, tofu, and raw vegetables with salsa. but my dorm has become a challenging place: sometimes i end up buying a box of cereal or vegan cookies and bringing them back with me and that’s no good. AND sometimes my mom ends up sending me food.

i need to start giving it away, the food she sends. and i need to stop buying food myself. only for immediate meals. and gum. lots of gum.

does anyone have any tips? this is all very new to me!

i also don’t have a roommate, which makes it easier for me to binge if i so choose. and i did once. and tried to throw it all up, but only got a little bit out. that was NOT a fun night. 😦

now, i’m off to shop for some thinspo! i’m excited to see all the new pictures up 🙂

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.

cheers

EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.

hola

March 21, 2010

ok, so it’s been a long time again. i’m sorry! school’s been really stressful and we had power issues for about a week.

i think all the stress is causing me to gain because i’ve been eating the same and exercising but i’m in the low 100s again 😦

i have nothing else to say.

^ so cool!

^ her arms ❤

^ she also kind of reminds me of me. something about her hair and her eyes…

that felt good. its been a while since i’ve even SEEN thinspo.

hope you all are well 🙂

big thinspo post

February 26, 2010

because i was away for a while…

so i’m still a vegan, and i’m finding it much easier to meet my goals this way since it cuts out so many temptations. and it’s not like i want to eat these things because i feel bad. AND, sans my cold that appears to not want to leave, my body feels really good… better than it has in a long time.

i’m still nervous for my weigh-in on sunday, though. what if i’m back in the triple-digits? i know that i said that the 99 was probably a fluke, but i REALLY want to believe that it wasn’t.

well thank goodness!

February 15, 2010

i weighed myself again today (even though it’s not sunday and i feel bad for breaking the rules) because my body finally started working yesterday.

my weight was 103. up .2 but that was to be expected from all of my fails this week.

i feel much better now, but now i don’t know how to track it. every week, i’ve been putting my weight into an excel document to make a graph tracking my progress, but what should i do this week? put in my weight from today, my weight from yesterday, average them, what? any ideas?

ps. is anyone else missing someone right now? the heart bag just made me think of it 🙂

WTF

February 14, 2010

i weighed myself this morning. and guess what i got? 104.8. 104.8!

how the heck did i gain two pounds?!?

i’m praying that it has to do with the massive amount of liquids i drank yesterday, my congestion, or the fact that my digestive system doesn’t seem to be working.

or all of those reasons combined.

grrr…

so, i don’t know if my experiment worked because i spent the day with my friends who LOVE to eat (but are so skinny!) and we got italian food and REALLY good chocolate.

even the calories i burned walking around the city and shopping couldn’t save me… 😦  but i’ve got to keep up appearances, right? or is that just an excuse?

anyway, i’m going to try again today. so far, i’ve only had 200 cal which isn’t a bad start.

^ this girl kind of reminds me of me. not the body or the hair, but the face and eyes. it’s weird, because i’m not a normal-looking person. my features are quirky, if that makes sense.

ps. happy valentine’s day! if you like it, have a great time! if you don’t, you’re not alone 😉