“because it’s funny”

January 25, 2010

so i don’t know how the heck i managed this– i guess it must have been saturday’s getting-back-on-track high– but i got my mother to buy me the book skinny bitch. in the actual bookstore. sure, i could have just ordered it online when i got home but we were in the bookstore and it was on one of the special release shelves and i was pumped up from eating some really tasty chinese food at dinner… and i just kind of picked it up and started walking with it.

and then we were looking at all the books we’d accumulated and she said why would you want that? all suspiciously– because in her mind i’m just so skinny that if i lose another ounce i’ll die. (uh huh. right) and so i said, because it’s funny. and it IS. but that’s not why i want it…

and then i also got this anorexia/ bulimia diary on the sale shelf (excellent! i LOVE a good sale) i just said, wow! this should be interesting. but that one i kind of DID hide in our pile of books… 😉

i don’t know. that was quite the feat for me!!!

is this true?

September 5, 2009

i read online that these colors represent these things (for lack of a better word):

Red: Anoerexia
Purple: Bulimia
Green: fasting at that time
Black: Si (self injury)
Blue: depression
Pink: ednos (eating disorder not yet specified)
Orange: SIer (self injuryier)
Orange and White: recovered SIer
Ana Recovery-Red and Black
Mia Recovery-purple and black
cutter recovery-blue and black
ednos recovery-black/green/blue
orange or black = self harm
yellow = suicidal
blue or green = depression
green = manic/bipolar depression
teal = anxiety disorder + ocd + panic disorder

i mean, i knew the basics (though i was under the impression that bulimia is blue), but the rest of these symbolic colors are completely foreign to me. has anyone else heard of this?

today i’m a human again

August 26, 2009

… at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only have 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts. :-/

i haven’t gotten one call, one text… NOTHING.

why do i even bother with these people. do they care at all?

it’s not possible that they don’t know. i walked out and left. i cried in my car (well, maybe they didn’t see THAT part)….

i just don’t get it. it’s common courtesy, that’s all.

by the way, i think i’m going to return to pro ana. i need something right now.

thinspiration 8/19

August 19, 2009


i love this dress


is that emma watson???



ah! i need these calves!!!


random thought for today: i wish that what i wore everyday was interesting enough for me to blog about it. ESPECIALLY in the summer. i have so much time that i could be crafting perfect outfits but i’m too lazy; i put on a t-shirt and shorts everyday. and usually, it’s the same pair of shorts. they’re from jcrew and they’re my favorite. 🙂

any vegetarians out there?

August 17, 2009

i know i’m one! 🙂

for moral reasons– not so much health reasons, ironically.

if you aren’t one, i don’t judge (i’m not like that 😉  ) but if you are, i found a very useful website, happycow.net

there’s forums, chats, restaurant reviews,… it’s vegetarian/ pescatarian/ frutarian/ everything else like that haven.

in other news…

i ran today. and it was HOT. there was literally a heat warning, so i had to wait until the sun went down a bit, but it was still over 100.

and there were these weird kids on skateboards who don’t even live in my town following me. :-/

and i saw my kind-of-friend’s parents walking their dog and had to say hi and how are you? and all that jazz WHILE i was still running.

but i did it, and i finished in full sprint. 🙂

and you know what? i did that whole breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth thing, and i think it was good for my asthma.

ugh. i really hope i’m in shape enough to handle preseason/ tryouts…


check it out: http://prunfriendly.wordpress.com/

aaand… we got pizza

August 16, 2009

yes, pizza. but thin pizza. VERY thin– cracker thin. (i kid you not.) and less crust = less calories, no?

and it was good. REALLY good. *sigh*

my mom won’t let me run, though. she says i need a day off so that i don’t get injured, since i have a bad knee. 😦

she’s right, though.

so i practiced field hockey instead. slap shots, drives, flicks. it was nice. i haven’t done it in a really long time because i dont join all those off-season leagues and crap, but i feel like it’s going to come back easily. which is good because tryouts are in less than a week.

AHHH!!! :O

to be precise,  i have 5 days to prepare. but i think i should rest the day before (do you?) so that really only gives me 4 days to prepare.

ugh. time-crunch.

we have 2 team practices, so i think i’ll go to those, and run and hit on my off days…??? does that sound good? and drinks LOADS of water and eat a lot of fruit… and tofu?

i need protein but i’m a vegetarian and am allergic to a lot of nuts… and frankly, protein scares the hell out of me. i DON’T want to build muscle… i do enough of that naturally and i want thin thighs, not manly thighs.

i hate protein. but without it, i want to collapse when i run. so i guess it’s kind of a love/ hate relationship.

i’m going to stop rambling now.

the bottom line is that i’m nervous as hell. especially about the running, but the whole thing. not the making the team part; i’m a senior, so that’s kind of a given.

any tips on how to relax?


i LOVE this outfit… cute sunglasses! 🙂




something just happened and i’m really upset about it… i don’t know what to do. i really feel on that line… that i don;t want to eat because i’m afriad of binging sort of line.

i feel really messed up… i actually feel like hurting myself. and that’s something i never wanted to do. i’m not sure if i can do this anymore… this blog, twitter. you guys on wordpress have been so kind to me (so so so kind) but i’v been betrayed on twitter. until i sort that out, i think i have to go on hiatus.

i’ll be back, i hope. 😦

back on the running wagon

August 13, 2009

i estimate that i ran about 2 miles yesterday. i wanted to vomit after, but i didn’t feel much shortness of breath and my muscles weren’t even that sore. i’d say that’s pretty good for not having run in about 2 weeks. 🙂

i think i’m gonna run today again since i’m not feeling sore… another 2 miles. to burn off my breakfast: monkey bread. no joke. ugh…. i’m so gross.

i think i should also do some light dumbells… or hit around a field hockey ball to get ready for tryouts. since i’m gonna suck it up and play one last time. (thank you, commenters!) it may not be a blast, but i know i would regret not playing…

so, how are you guys?