suddenly monday

October 18, 2010

^^^ this is what i ate for lunch. tofu, brussel sprouts, and tofu chili. i’ll put it at 500 calories to be safe, but all this vegan food tends to be pretty darn healthy. i mean, this meal is at least 1/2 vegetable… and other meals can be 3/4 vegetable.

and it’s yummy!

honestly, i don’t know where i’m going with this post, because i started it while i was ichating with a friend from another college. but yeah.

i had a 200 cal breakfast, but i burned that off speed-walking back and forth around campus all day, so i’m at 500 cal. that means i will allow myself to have 500 cal at dinner.

yep.

i feel boring today… maybe after yesterday’s drama. all of the sudden, i just couldn’t handle any of my feelings and i got really upset about CG. but then last night i had a dream about the guy back home (did i give him a name? regardless, he’s now OG for older guy). It took place a year from now, and he was telling me how it wasn’t working out with his gf (who i think was his new wife in the dream). something about kids: he wanted them; she didn’t. i told him i wanted kids, and he gave me that look he’s been growing fonder of ever since last year– the one that knows that under different circumstances we’d be compatible.

and so when i woke up, i’d forgotten all about CG. after all, he, and any other guy for that matter, will always simply be a consolation prize.

and then i went to my history discussion and realized all over again how cute my TA is– how much he resembles OG. except, i thought, a younger version. (apparently, only 1/2 a year younger… why do i always think guys are younger than they are? wishful thinking?)

anyway, now my friends are beginning to think i’m crazy… and i am, but not because of the people i’m attracted to.

or am i?

this was a pointless post. i’m sorry. maybe thinspo would help?

except that the stupid attachment thing won’t load my photos. perfect.

i’m going to fix this… and then i’ll be back.

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you know that guy i’ve been talking about? well, i don’t know if i told you that we’re emailing, but we are.

kind of.

you see, i emailed him back an email and he has not replied in 3 weeks. and do you know what that does to a girl like me?

flips her out!

i mean, he’s probably just busy… but then that begs the obvious retort, too busy for me? the girl you said you’d miss? yeah right.

guys lie. they’re liars!

but what if that’s not it. (this is the scary part) what if he suddenly realized that omg i’ve been in love with him for 2 years? and now he’s avoiding me because he feels awkward because he doesn’t feel the same way…

or because he’s not supposed to.

i just wish he’d write back. to clear my head… and because i miss him. a lot. he’s in my dreams pretty much every night… :-/

this all makes me feel like such a stalker-freak. so… enough. thinspo time:

ps. wordpress is SOOO much better than blogspot. uploading pictures is a fiasco and reading other people’s blogs is so irritating that i’ve pretty much stopped doing it.

also, none of you are there. so yeah. wordpress is king!!!

thanksgiving

November 28, 2009

this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

next post won’t be a rant. i promise.

i wish it would. i mean, this is my last year! what if i never get the chance to play again? (i won’t if my college doesn’t have club teams)

don’t think that this means i’m not trying out, because i am. tomorrow. *shudders*

but coach said some thing yesterday that kind of scared the sh!t out of me: “there could be cuts on all levels.” ALL LEVEL?!? like, seniors too?

usually, seniors aren’t cut. in ANY sport at my school, so this was quite a suprise.

the thing is, of all the seniors, i am by far the weakest link.

of all the seniors and the juniors, i am probably still the weakest link.

but would he cut just one senior? one who’s given him 3 years? one who’s tried her best and been a good sports and NOT b!tched out the coaches? that’s hard to find amongst the upperclassmen.

the thing is, part of the reason why i’m not playing so well right now is my asthma. it HATES the summer, and it’s been extremely hot here (100+ ?) for the past week or so. it makes breathing extremely difficult, which makes running (especially sprinting) extremely difficult, which makes drills a bit more difficult.

i know. i’m making excuses. shame, shame.

so, i feel like i’m probably going to get cut. and then i’ll scorekeep or offer to help out or something…?

now, let’s assume that i DON’T get cut:

i have a hell of a lot of work this year. i’m taking ap classes to the max (one of them’s even the supposed hardest at my school) AND taking an emt class twice a week.

i’ve done field hockey and homework. it isn’t a huge deal. but field hockey and emt class might conflict on days we have games– especially if they’re away games since both jv and varsity teams have to play.

and then on days when there’s practice, i have about an hours to go home, shower, and start my homework. so i guess i’ll have to finish it after emt class?

coach is nice– really nice, but i know that he won’t like this. he’ll see this as not commited to the team; i’m trying to be, but there are things that i NEED to do for college, and field hockey isn’t one of them. i just happen to love the sport.

i know that i’m getting ahead of myself; i should take it one step at a time. step 1: get through tryouts.

but still, i feel like this can’t end well for me. 😦

i think i’m angry

July 20, 2009

don’t youjust hate people sometimes? especially people who are skinnier than you? especially people who are skinnier than you but keep talking about how fat they are?

then you’ll know what i’m going through.

i have a friend who’s my height and 90 pounds. i’m not kidding; i overheard our gym intructor telling her her weight. she always talks about binging and how big her thighs are, even though she still wears kids’ “slim” sizes. it’s really quite aggrevating because

a) because her metabolism is obviously a lot faster than mine since she can have full-sized lunches and ice cream and remain stickly (but not TOO stickly; she has a butt) and

b) because if she thinks SHE’s fat, was must she think about ME? poor girl. she doesn’t eat lunch but is still 20 lbs heavier than me. ??? (not that i will be for long, i hope…)

i feel like there’s a c but i can’t think of it right now…

maybe that she talks about it incessantly? or that she is really, truly WORRIED; not fishing for compliments.

i love her, but i’m glad to have a break from her right now.

ugh. people.

June 1, 2009

sometimes i just don’t know about people.

i was sitting in class with my two friends and we were in a group. i was studying for a test the period after and they were talking… and they started talking  to eachother about an upcoming trip to the beach that they were planning and how excited they were and hotels and movies, etc. the thing is, only the two of them were going. so why would they talk about it right in front of me?!?

i looked up from my work a couple of times when they were talking about it but they would just look at eachother and then glance at me and smile like nothing was going on…

and then class ended so i left and then a couple of minutes ago i get a text inviting me along. HELLO! couldn’t you have invited me then? or did they finally realize that maybe, just maybe, i have ears too and could hear every word of what they were saying  and it would be polite to invite me along.

i don;t know… i mean, i just don;t get it. could they really be that unaware? or is their something else going on?

sorry for my paranoid ranting. let’s move on, shall we?

breakkie:
crackers- 80 cal

lunch:
pretzels 70 cal

snack:
cookie- 100 cal

UPDATE:

dinner:
pizza- 325 cal

dessert:
cake- 700 cal 😦

which brings me to a total of 1275.   :-/   (i still have a deficit though)

i really need to stop eating cake…