the beginning in the end

no, i’m not talking about the wonderfully hear-wrenching episode of Bones… that actually led me to cry hysterically during the closing credits (and i DON’T cry during tv shows, movies… except Toy Story 3, and i only cried a LITTLE bit).

no, i’m talking about the end of the semester–my first semester at college/ university– and the chance it brings for me to start over on my weight-loss journey. (though, if you were wishing i was talking about the Bones episode, you might want to check out my BRAND SPANKING NEW Bones blog: idontknowhathatmeans.blogspot.com )

anyhow, i’m going to have a whole month at home before i have to come back here, which i think is more than enough time to reassess and come up with a masterful game-plan… not to mention, really get started exercising and losing again.

my plan:

weigh in the high-90s (at most) by Christmas

weigh in the mid to low 90s by the time i go back to school (late January)

start running

 

i’m actually excited for that last bit ^^^ because i have all this under-armor from my stint in winter track (good times!) and, of course, field hockey… and i’m excited to get back into it and have it FIT the way it used to.

plus, it makes me look super-cool when i wear it 😉

any workout music recommendations?

-K

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hey, everybody!

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂

woot woot! 4 pages

i still need 3 more, but i’m getting there!!!

in celebration, my promised thinspo:

i had a dream

… last night. i was going to a school function (some senior class/ graduation thing) and i saw this really nice teacher i had sophmore year (she still says hi to me, etc. even though i wasn’t interested in her subject). i told her that i wanted to leave because only people who i really dislike were there and we started talking and she was like, “wait… did you lose weight? you’re so skinny!” and the teacher next to he was like, “yeah. you are!” and something about my arms. it was flattering, but also slightly accusatory so i just said, “i’ve been running a lot” which wasn’t/ isn’t true.

i woke up feeling happy 🙂

any dream interpreters out there care to take a gander at what this means?

running

i’m afraid to go running. i’m afraid to bring back memories, afraid to make my thighs big.

my mom says i should go running because it’ll make me happier. i don’t know…

i want to burn calories and fat, but my thighs! ugh. they’re already too big for my liking from all that field hockey sprinting. like adding insult to injury…

i don’t know what i should do. i hope i figure it out.

i’m still tired. maybe that’s why i sound/ feel so robotic?

moving on

first off, i want to thank you all SO SO much for commenting! you guys really helped me feel better 🙂

i’m trying to move on. i’m waiting for school to start so i can get swept up in homework, standardized tests, and emt. i know that i’ll miss doing a sport (hence my interest in joining cross country) but i don’t think i will. unless i end up having too much time on my hands.

i’m still really mad at the coaches though. i don’t think that i explained the whole situation and i can’t now because it’s WAAAY too long, but here’s the short version:

i had a meeting with the head coach at the end of last year, during which he basically implied that if i could get my asthma under control and come out stronger in the running, i would make the team. he said absolutely NOTHING that gave me even the slightest hint that i wouldn’t.

then what? i’m cut. i’m cut AND i’m a senior (and seniors DON’T get cut… ever. any sport. not at my school)

but not only that, i’m the ONLY senior cut.

embarrassing, no?

so i’m still really mad at him, and i’m not sure how long it will take me to get over it. thing is, he was supposed to be my teacher this year (= a disaster?) so i’m currently trying to switch out of his class.

i now may have to take that class at a local college= even less time to think about what i’m missing. (but also less time to study, etc.)

i wish it didn’t happen; i wish i hadn’t been cut. but even so, i shouldn’t dwell on it. i’m trying to get out of shock-mode and back on my feet.

oh, and hopefully make some new friends.

today i’m a human again

… at least, i’ve gone back to eating like one. all that running and calorie burning required me to eat WAAAY more than i’m comfortable with. it actually made me feel sick.

i miss running though– not sprinting, but slow-paced, long distance running. like what i was doing to prepare.

but now i’d feel like a doofus doing it, as i have nothing to prepare for.

i kind of want to join cross country, but i have no friends doing it, and i’m not sure i’ll have time over the year.

i just missing being on a team. supporting my school. being a part of something.

and now i’m alone. again. and i realized today that i only have 3 real friends, and only 1 goes to my school.

maybe i’ll do winter track once my applications are in. i don’t know.

i can’t believe none of my “friends” still haven’t called. i really can’t.

ugh. i feel depressed right now. i hope it gets better when school starts.

went to the dinner

i’m glad i did. no coaches, but i would have felt like i was missing out.

sat with my sophys. we talked about cuts and senior cuts and goalie cuts. one of them predicts a lot of offense cuts. that would be good for me. 🙂

ugh… guys ‘m FREAKING OUT! i feel full and gross and i really do think that i’m not gona make it, and i’ll be the only senior, and it’ll be embarassing…

i’m just not looking forward to tomorrow.

*sigh*

keep your fingers crossed for me at about 12- 1pm eastern time!!!

tryouts: day 3

today, instead of conditioning, we had our annual track day (aka hell)… but i didn’t think it was too bad. maybe i’m getting in shape?

so after running countless 20s, 40s, 60s, 80s, 100s, etc., we did some drills and i was fun! i got to practice my hits (especially my drive and slapshot) for the froshies to deflect into the goal. except, they didn’t have much luck. but they’re young; they’ll learn.

but during that drill, coach was standing off to the side for a while and watching us, so i think he saw how strong my hits have gotten (!!!). let’s hope…

and then i had my stopping test with this really intense ball machine that goes 50 mph and makes the ball hop. seriously, IMPOSSIBLE. one of my sophmores got 0 stops, and a junior who’s really intense at defense got 4. (and this is out of 10) i got 3. but when i had my practice turn, i did SO MUCH BETTER. no joke. i stopped 6, i think. i wish that one had counted…

then we did a little scrimmage and i felt like my defensive positioning came back, but i’m not quite there skillwise yet. at one point, our goalie said “watch out!” or something like that, but i didn’t know what she meant. it’s difficult with goalies, i think, because you have to find the balance between not giving them enought support and getting in their way. and communication is something that’s difficult for me, so it doesn’t always work out so well…

THEN… (we had no ending conditioning…yay!) coach sat us down and talked to us. he said that he was really proud of all the effort that we’ve been putting forth, etc. but that he was still going to have to make some cuts. grrr… i’d thought (wished) that he’s forgotten about that.

so yeah… i’m nervous again.

i went to the team roster (excluding goalies) that i’ve made for myself and found 3 people other than me who i think might get cut. 2 are sophmores (one of them i REALLY REALLY like 😦 ) who just aren’t in good enough physical shape and/or have weak skills. one of them seems to have a bad attitude, too. i’m always friendly to her, but to no avail.

the other is a junior. she’s a real story, let me tell you. last year, she came 3(?) days late to tryouts and the coaches pretty much told her to go away. i thought that was the last of her. but this year she comes out the first day but… her forms aren’t in. so she sits out the first 2 days.

yep. today was the first day she played, and with really no excuse. i mean, what is that? we’ve been working our butts off for 2 more days than her. honestly, i was suprised that the coaches didn’t make her leave this time, but i guess it’s because she DID show up on time. so i’m thinking they’re going to cut her, because coach kind of implied a while back that if you sit out during tryouts, the coaches don’t get to see you play as much… *wink wink*

and then there’s a junior who MIGHT get cut. i kind of doubt it, because she has good hits, but she’s gotten slower this year, and i never really thought she was a good player to begin with– too passive. (like me. yes, i’m a hypocrite.)

so yeah… we have a team dinner tonight; i’m still debating whether or not i should go. it;s at this pub = fatty food. 😦 and a lot of people to notice my new eating habits. 😦

BUT the head coach might be there, so maybe it would be good for me to make an appearence, even though they’re pretty much deciding the teams right now. ahhh!

coach did say that people with skill are gonna have to go. i guess i’ll have to wait until tomorrow to figure out what, exactly, that means…

tryouts: day 2

today we started with some conditioning that i like better: the snake run. pretty much, you run around the field, jogging the longs and sprinting the shorts. it’s tiring, but there’s more rest time and shorter sprints; my lungs like that. 🙂 and today a lot of people still had to drop out or rest, but i stayed in the whole time and used all of my might in the finishing sprint. coach said good job (as he said to everyone) but he sounded really sincere (he’s aware of my lung troubles).

then we did some drills in small groups (i LOVE small groups) and i got to be with my soph friends. they’re sooo nice and cute and their skills are more at my level. i was practicing defense and i got the ball awya more times than i didn’t. i hope coach saw…

but THEN we had to do a timed mile, and my lungs were still recovering from drills and conditioning, so i came in last in my group, not by TOO much and i’m sure people in other groups (i hope) did wore than me, but i was still embarassing. i mean, i’m a senior for crying out loud. a SENIOR. i shouldn;t come in last when i’m racing against sophys. it just stinks. i know that part of it is my lungs, but i don’t want to have to have an excuse; i just want to do it. be good. be fast. but my limit is probably much lower than that of many of my (hopefully) future-teammates.

then we did some more timed shiz. i think i did ok; median. i’m fine with that, i think.

and then we ended with the same sprints that we ended with yesterday, but instead of breaking it up into 3 sets, we did one long set. but not as long as the 3 sets put together, if you know what i mean.

and then …(like in dude where’s my car, if you’ve seen that movie) and then we had a senior meeting (seniors only 😉 )and planned for the team pool party (ahhh, swimsuit 😦 ) and cool stuff like that.

that makes it EXTREMELY embarassing if i get cut.

but we’re all going out to dinner tomorrow, so that should be fun. 🙂

AND i think i burned a ton of calories again. hooray!!!

BUT i have yet to see my love. where is he?!? 😦 i used to see him all the time dring tryouts last year. that is, before i cared. ugh. cosmic jokes.