c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

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that would be me. but NOT intentionally, i swear!

i’ve had stomach flu for officially a week tomorrow (my stomach’s really bad so it takes me a while to get over even small bugs…) and it hasn’t been fun. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself in the mirror these days… but the pain just isn’t worth it. it would be more difficult, but i wish my intestines would work normally so i could lose weight at least somewhat-normally. whatever that is…

anyway, i’m no longer a high school student. it’s been over two weeks but i have yet to process the fact, so that’s all i have to say on the subject. unless anyone has any specific questions, of course 😉

ummm… oh, yes. and OF COURSE i will miss him– my guy. hell, i miss him already. he hugged me though, at graduation… that was really nice. it felt right… like i didn’t even have to think about it: he held out his arms and i melted into him. i was too calm from the comfort to be happy-happy…

and now we’re emailing. we went from hugs to emails in just a couple of days. talk about a downgrade…

but it’s nice, too. better than never hearing from him again… but in person things slip out that don’t slip out in emails, and sometimes those small tidbits are the most useful… the most motivating…

and sometimes they’re about engagement rings and they crush you. but i’m better off for knowing, because now i know that this is when i need to make any sort of play that i intend to make. now, if he would only hint at the wedding date i would know about how long/ short and sneaky/ upfront this play can be.

email is really messing with my plans.

so how are all of you?

i promise to post pictures next time. i just don’t remember where i left off….

hey, everybody!

June 13, 2010

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

Happy day-before Easter

April 3, 2010

HEY EVEYONE  IMI’M WRITING THIS ON AN ITOUCH AND I CANTCAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE THIS THING TO UNIN CAPS AND ENTER SO I APOLOGIZE    ANYWAY IMI’M KIND OF EXCITED FOR MY FIRST VEGAN EASTEER TOMORROW BUT IMI’M STILL NERVOUS ABIUTABOUT TH CALORISCALORIE AND WUCHSUCH   ESPECIALTLY SINCE IMI’M NOT FEELING TOO GREAT ABOUT MY BODY AND PROGRESS THESE DAYS   BUT I HINK I HAVE A SOLUTION   YOU SEE IVEI’VE BEN ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR  A YEAR AND A HALF TO HELP WITH MENUSTRATION AND EVER SINCE IVEFELT FATTER   BUT I THOUGHT MAMAYBE THAT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH PUBERTY PROR EATIG HABITS BUT NOW THAT IVEI’VE BEEN EATING SO WELL WITHOUT THE RESULTS I WANT IMI’M WONDERING IF IT WAS THE PILLS AL ALONG   SO IMI’M GOING OFF OF THEM FOR A FEW MONTHS    IF MY PERIODS DONTDON’T AGREE WIHWIU HTHT IELL HAVE TO GO BACK BUT RIM HOPING IMI’M FIXED AND THT THIS WILL BE THE ANSWER IVEI’VE BEEN WAITING FOR   KAYBEMAYBE IMI’M PUTTING TO MUCH HOPE IN THIS EXPERIMENT BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN SPMETHINGSOMETHING THESE DAYS  A LOT OF CHANGES ARE TAKING PLACE IN MY SCHOOL AND EVEN THOUGH ILLI’LL BE GONE NEXT YEARE HEY UPSET ME      OK SO HOPEFULLY ILLI’LL GET BETTER AT THIS BECAUSE HE KEYS ARE REALLY FUN TO PRESS AND IDI’D LOVE TO LEARN HOW TO POST PICS   OK BYE

sorry it’s been so long! i had the longest cold of my life and then i got stomach flu… it was just a disaster. AND it was during my holiday from school. fantastic, huh? 😉

anyhow, hi!!! i’ve missed wordpress.

ok. sooo, sick or not, sunday is my weighing day, and the past sunday was no exception. wanna know what the scale said?

well… at first i hopped on and it’s one of those digital ones so numbers were flashing all over the place but the highest that flashed was 101 and then it settled on 97.4 which i realized was too low and then i realized my foot was totally off the little metal thing that it needs to be on.

so then i tried again (with both feet in the correct position) and got 99.6

double digits!

granted, it was a couple of days after my stomach’s rebellion that kept me eating relatively lightly, but not TOO much lower than usual. 700s, 900s and i worked my way up.

so there has to be some validity to it, right?

ah, the magic of wishful thinking. sometimes i really am wonderful at deceiving myself. (my, um, (i guess you can call it a) love life can attest to that)

failure friday

February 12, 2010

at least, that’s usually what friday is for me because i’m always EXHAUSTED after a week of school and homework and running around the hallways that all my willpower vanishes.

but not today.

it’s been SUCH a long time since i actually met my goal on a friday, and i fear that this will turn into a habit. and that would, frankly, suck.

so i’m going to eat some oranges, a healthy dinner, maybe a smidge of dessert and do my spastic-dance thing. (that’s my new favorite exercise; it’s sooo much fun! 🙂 )

so, what do you say? let’s all reach our goals today so we can feel GREAT tomorrow morning!

^ her wrists are so small and dainty

ugh

February 5, 2010

worst. day. ever.

i didn’t have time to think about my body once the entire school day. i haven’t done that since eighth grade when i was cute and tiny…

i’m just really stressed and not doing well this semester because my of my stress, but then i end up stressing out even more because i’m not doing well…

am i making sense? nothing inside my head right now’s making sense.

forget it. pictures:

^ballerina-esque ❤

^i’m loving the retro-chic… i wish my legs could pull off white tights

writing on my hand

February 2, 2010

i was in a bit of a rush yesterday so i completely forgot to share a trick i’m trying out: writing my current goal weight on my hand.

the two nines are written very small, of course, because i don’t want to draw attention to them. and they’re strategically placed so that if i’m wearing long sleeves, they’re hidden (as my arms are short for a lot of sleeves).

it’s nice to peek at them. someone offered me a cookie yesterday, and i looked at my numbers and said no. i regretted declining at first, but it feels so good to type this!!! i need to hold on to this feeling to give me more strength…

but, yes. this is what i’ve started doing. i don’t know how original it is; i just kind of did it monday in school without thinking about it, but i bet others have done the same. regardless, if you’re curious, give it a try if you haven’t!

today’s thinspo:

^ i’ve started to get into pictures w/ boyfriends (maybe because i’m single… 😉 ) so this won’t be the last of its kind you see on here!

i also just wanted to let you guys know that you’re awesome! seriously.  i LOVE receiving your comments; they’ve lifted my mood so many times!

so, thank you. i’m glad i’ve found such wonderful people here. 🙂

wow

December 18, 2009

first off, i just want to say that i got in!!! i made to the ivy league… i mean, holy crap. i can hardly believe it. thank you all for the support 🙂

so… i’m really psyched about that, but i’m also pretty happy about another thing: i seem to be losing weight again. (knock on wood) i haven’t weighed myself yet, but i can see it in my legs. when i stand up straight, the top of my thighs don’t touch! it’s only by a smidge, but that’s something isn’t it?

i also haven’t been very hungry lately. i started taking wellbutrin for my fatigue, and all the sudden i started feeling slightly nauseas in the morning, and then gaining a bit of an appetite later in the day. there’s also a stomach bug running around, so it may just be a coincidence, but i really hope not!!!

alright, then. how about some celebratory thinspo?

^^^ok, i REALLY don’t remember getting this one. lol.

i hope you’re all well! and i know i always say this, but i WILL try to post more frequently… especially since the holidays are coming up. 🙂