ugh

February 5, 2010

worst. day. ever.

i didn’t have time to think about my body once the entire school day. i haven’t done that since eighth grade when i was cute and tiny…

i’m just really stressed and not doing well this semester because my of my stress, but then i end up stressing out even more because i’m not doing well…

am i making sense? nothing inside my head right now’s making sense.

forget it. pictures:

^ballerina-esque ❤

^i’m loving the retro-chic… i wish my legs could pull off white tights

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103

January 31, 2010

i’m 103. exactly.

103.0

when i was visiting relatives over the holidays, i was 103.3 and i though for sure i’d gained since then.

i guess not.

4 more pounds til i’m in the 90s once more. excuse my language, but shit that’s exciting! i remember hopping on that scale two years ago and being 96 and going to a party and looking so freaking good! i actually LIKED those picture when i saw them on facebook. (unlike my junior prom ones… *shudders*)

i hope you all are having similar victories! 🙂

wow

December 18, 2009

first off, i just want to say that i got in!!! i made to the ivy league… i mean, holy crap. i can hardly believe it. thank you all for the support 🙂

so… i’m really psyched about that, but i’m also pretty happy about another thing: i seem to be losing weight again. (knock on wood) i haven’t weighed myself yet, but i can see it in my legs. when i stand up straight, the top of my thighs don’t touch! it’s only by a smidge, but that’s something isn’t it?

i also haven’t been very hungry lately. i started taking wellbutrin for my fatigue, and all the sudden i started feeling slightly nauseas in the morning, and then gaining a bit of an appetite later in the day. there’s also a stomach bug running around, so it may just be a coincidence, but i really hope not!!!

alright, then. how about some celebratory thinspo?

^^^ok, i REALLY don’t remember getting this one. lol.

i hope you’re all well! and i know i always say this, but i WILL try to post more frequently… especially since the holidays are coming up. 🙂

thanksgiving

November 28, 2009

this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

next post won’t be a rant. i promise.

i think i’ve been watching too much glee… but this actually describes how i feel, at the moment. i went over my allotted the day before halloween by 300-something (WTF?!? i’m still so pissed) and the day after (yesterday) my deficit was less then 100. and all weekend my thighs looked bigger and my size-2 jeans didn’t hang on me like they did only a week before.

so today and this week i’m trying to do A LOT better… especially because i have a party on thursday with some friends whom i haven’t seen in a while, and i just NEED them to notice how my thighs are beginning to shape up.

it’s a very stressful time… also because the quarter is ending at school (grades!!!) and i applied early decision to a school that i’m beginning to feel less and less confident about.

i need a pick-me-up, and that means… THINSPO!

520

521

522

524

525

are these repeats??? i feel like they might be… 😦

anyway, enough about me. how are you guys? it’s been a long time.

EDIT: they are. here’s more:

526

528

529

530

531

yay 🙂

worried

October 19, 2009

this is going to sound slightly paranoid– nay, EXTREMELY paranoid, but that’s what applying to college ED has done to me.

ok, so i’m worried about what happened with my big p this month. i mean, it didn’t really happen! this might be tmi, but there wasn’t even any real bleeding– just spotting. i pumped up my calories during the week too! it was up to around 1100-1300 most days! and it’s not like i’m anywhere even remotely near dangerously skinny.

but what if this means i can’t get pregnant? i mean, i don’t want a baby now; i’m only in high school! but if some magic occurs that lets me find a guy i really love love me back, then i’d like to have the possibility, you know?

wait… could this have anything to do with my being on birth control pills? (it’s a low dose)

back!

October 4, 2009

hi, guys! sorry i haven’t written in a while… i’ve been really busy with homework, studying, emt, and college essays, but hopefully things will settle down soon… it’s pretty stressful here, but i hope you’re all ok.

i ate waaay too much the past 2 days. yesterday, i actually went OVER my limit so i didn’t have a deficit (it’s been SOOO long since i’ve done that) and the day before i was over 1200. yuck. and today i definitely looked fatter. my stomach wasn’t as flat and my legs were definitely heavier. and today i’ve already had 500 cal. ugh. 😦

i need to get back on track!!! i’m just so tired and stressed all the time. help!

502

504

505

510

511

i had a dream

September 10, 2009

… last night. i was going to a school function (some senior class/ graduation thing) and i saw this really nice teacher i had sophmore year (she still says hi to me, etc. even though i wasn’t interested in her subject). i told her that i wanted to leave because only people who i really dislike were there and we started talking and she was like, “wait… did you lose weight? you’re so skinny!” and the teacher next to he was like, “yeah. you are!” and something about my arms. it was flattering, but also slightly accusatory so i just said, “i’ve been running a lot” which wasn’t/ isn’t true.

i woke up feeling happy 🙂

any dream interpreters out there care to take a gander at what this means?

besides from actually having work this first week (wtf?!? jk…) i’m glad to be back because…

it’s SOOO much easier to eat less than 1000 cal. i keep getting in the 900 cal range which i like. not unhealthy, but gives me a pretty darn good deficit. and i’m not irritable/ faint. good stuff 🙂

and walking from calss to class? it’s exercise! how did i not realize this before?

i bet i burn at least 100 cal walking to classes and to and from my car, etc.

loving the “school” diet plan 😉

got an email back

August 31, 2009

from my coach. FINALLY.

except, it wasn’t what i expected. there wasn’t even a hint of apology. it was hostile, and quite frankly, rude. some (aka my mom) might even call it “mean.”

it was pretty much him trying to cover his butt and kicking me while i’m down in the process. not nice.

and you know what? part of what he said in attempt to cover his butt was irrelevant, for it wasn’t something that coaches are even allowed to take into consideration for cuts.

what is this? off-season participation. it isn’t even ALLOWED to matter according to my school handbook. it’s a rule.

my mom says i put too much emphasis on rules, but what if everyone else is just putting too little? aren’t rules there so that we can follow them?

well, he OBVIOUSLY didn’t follow them. and then he was a jerk about it.

he’s on my “do not like” list, now.