… since my computer was having a nervy-spaz:

and more:

yay! i hope you’re all well 🙂


17 hours

July 26, 2009

last night, i slept for 17 hours. no, 17.5 hours. how crazy is that?!? i woke up at 5:30 pm today… and if it weren’t for my dad ringing the doorbell 5 times, who knows when it would have been!

so… yeah. we went to dinner (sushi) and then i ran. and now i’m here, eating some more because i realized that i would not have nearly enough calories today. i mean, i slept until dinner. DINNER. i missed 2 meals! i’ve never done that before… it’s kind of scary. is something wrong with me?

ugh… 300 more calories to go. i’m not even sure what i want to eat any more. maybe some ice cream?

anyway, i’m going away with my dad next week and he gave me some big new. drumroll, please… i need to bring a bathing suit. a bathing suit! luckily, i just got a nice striped bikini and i’ve been running for a while, but i’m nervous. i haven’t been in a bikini since feb of 2008, unless i’m completely forgetting something. i mean, it’s been a LONG time.

oh, wait… i was in one a little bit last summer to do some aqua therapy for my knee, but i was wearing a life vest over it. it wasn’t the same.

but anyway, i’m worried that i’m going to screw up my diet and get really fat or get sunburnt or… idk. something.

i mean, i don’t think that i can be THAT gross-looking. i had to buy xs bottoms… and a medium top since my boobs have decided to go on rampage… but yeah.

idk. i get so worried over nothing. i blame my anxiety!

it’s a dennis/ babcock situation: katherine heigl’s on grey’s for a full season longer than kate walsh AND she wins awards for the show. but guess who gets her own show? kate walsh. (not that i’m coplaining; i LOVE her!)

it must suck. so she starts bitching out the writers. it isn;t the most mature thing to do, but it’s understandable. but how do the writers retaliate? they kill off izzie. (at least, i’m pretty sure she’s dead.)

i mean, we anas try so damn hard to be skinny and perfect. it’s exhausting. but then we all have a friend of acquaintance (or maybe nultiple) who eat crap– loads of crap– and are still tinier than us. and it sucks. and there’s nothing we can do about it. we could eat less, exercie more, but we’re not meant to be that size; it would kill us.

life isn’t fair. we all know it. but if you get fed up and try to mess with the balance of things, it will only come back to kick you in the ass. and i’m not saying don;t diet, or don;t sudy, because you SHOULD if that’s what you want, but don’t go overboard. don’t stay up all night studying how to convert grams to moles, and don’t starve yourself; moderation is key.

i hope you don;t think i’m being hypocritical here; i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m no longer anorexic. i eat 1000- 1200 calories a day. i do believe that it’s restriction and i do believe that i have some sort of ED, but i don’t think it’s anorexia. though, PLEASE, correct me if i’m wrong; EDs can be extremely confusing.

i recommend this number of calories to all of you, as well as moderate exercise on the 1200 cal days. it’s a fast way to weight loss, but not too fast. it’s maybe a pound a week.

i want all of us to take care of ourselves. that’s all i have to say.

i think i’m angry

July 20, 2009

don’t youjust hate people sometimes? especially people who are skinnier than you? especially people who are skinnier than you but keep talking about how fat they are?

then you’ll know what i’m going through.

i have a friend who’s my height and 90 pounds. i’m not kidding; i overheard our gym intructor telling her her weight. she always talks about binging and how big her thighs are, even though she still wears kids’ “slim” sizes. it’s really quite aggrevating because

a) because her metabolism is obviously a lot faster than mine since she can have full-sized lunches and ice cream and remain stickly (but not TOO stickly; she has a butt) and

b) because if she thinks SHE’s fat, was must she think about ME? poor girl. she doesn’t eat lunch but is still 20 lbs heavier than me. ??? (not that i will be for long, i hope…)

i feel like there’s a c but i can’t think of it right now…

maybe that she talks about it incessantly? or that she is really, truly WORRIED; not fishing for compliments.

i love her, but i’m glad to have a break from her right now.


May 30, 2009

my size 2 jean appear to be too baggy for school now; they just look sloppy. they look fine at the beginning of the day, but then they get stretched out with all the sitting and hardly touch my legs. i think that’s a good sign. maybe i should get a size 0 now…?

greek yogurt- 110 cal

pizza- 225 cal

cookie- 100 cal


spring rolls- 250 cal

cake- 800 cal 😦

which amounts to 1500 which is waaay over my goal thanks to my midday cake binge… darn cake. i feel like i’m going to look really fat tomorrow, and it sucks.

on the bright side, i made a shocking discovery: those size 2 jeans that i keep mentioning? they’re actually a size 1. 1! how could i have missed that?!? still… that’s pretty cool. that means that not only am i getting too small for a size 2, but also a size 1. yay!

you know what i want?

  1. to not feel my thighs rubbing together when i wear a dress without tights
  2. my hipbones (which i’m beginnning to see!) to be more defined
  3. my size 2 bullhead jeans, which i bought to be loose, to be looser
  4. my boobs, which are approaching a b-cup, to get back down to an a
  5. to be able to wear a tank top on it’s own and not just as a layer under a bigger shirt
  6. to be confident
  7. to have girls envy me and guys think i’m hot
  8. to look in the mirror an be proud at what i accomplished
  9. to be able to pull off crazy outfits
  10. to get back into a 0 in jcrew shorts
  11. my short torso (seriously, there’s a little less than a foot between the bottom of my bra and the top of my waistband on my low rise jeans) to look less stubby
  12. to not fear spring (because layers begin coming off this time of the year)
  13. to be able to go shopping without feeling like i’m rewarding pudginess

gemma ward

May 1, 2009

even though she gained weight a while back, can she still be a thinspiration? i mean, she was thin (mut not too thin imo) and so, so fashionable:



I read somewhere that she’s been trying to lose the weight. Does anyone know how that’s going?

my excuse

May 1, 2009

i’m only about 5’2 so i’ve always told myself that since i’m short, i gain weight faster and look heavier with it on, so i shouldn’t try…? frankly, it sounds stupid now, but i guess it made since to meat one point.

anyway, i recently realized that it’s truly A STUPID EXCUSE. you see, i was watching the da vinci code and, because i’m completely obsessed with weight, immediately noticed that the female lead (played by audrey tautou) is really, really skinny. and not only that, she’s short. in fact, i looked her up and it turns out she’s only an inch taller than me.

it's not a great pic... i'll find a better one later

it's not a great pic... i'll find a better one later

so now i figure, wtf? i can look like her! at least, i should be able to.


April 29, 2009

i really hate being away on vacation because my family’s ALWAYS around, so i have to eat. not that i want to go completely ana, but i don’t want to eat so much. you see, for skinny people my family eats ALOT… and therefore, they expect me to also eat alot. but i’mobviously trying to lose weight… do you see my dilemma?

i’ve been sleeping in mose mornings (so i’m not eating breakfast) and getting forgotten in the whirlwind of activity during lunch, so i can get away with eating lightly then, but then dinner comes. and the inevitable dessert. and my fam just LOVES to push the second helping and whatnot. if anyone is reading this, do you have any advice?

you see, today i’ve only had about 380 calories, but it started just like that yesterday and i ended up eating about 1060. i mean, that shouldn’t happen. i have a goal here and it’s already shorts season so i have to reach is FAST!


what happened

April 28, 2009

when i got on anti-depressants, i started eating more. and gained weight. however, i hadn’t realized just how much until i went shopping yesterday. suddenly, the sizes that i’d always worn just didn’t work. the 0 shorts i tried on were uncomfotably tight; the xs tops showed off my newfound stomach fat. i had to turn away from the mirror.

you see, i’m a fashionista. i love clothes and fashion and used to have the body for showing off my latest looks. it kills me that i don’t have that any more.

i started this blog because i need to change; i need to get skinny again, one way or another. i’m going to try to do this the healthy way– eating healthy and working out– but if that doesn’t work swiftly, i am prepared to travel the not-so-healthy route of anorexia. i know that there are others out there who feel like i do, and we can help eachother.