something happy

December 6, 2010

Now that I’m a college/ university student, I finally understand why this time of the year, well, SUCKS. I’m not going to elaborate on that, for it will only serve to stress me out, and maybe even stress some of you out.

Instead, I have something to share:

Watch it, and I guarantee that things will start to look better!

Good luck with all of this end-of-semester crap, everyone! And remember: it’s almost over!!! 🙂

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the past few days have been really disgusting. i felt it coming too… that’s what kills me, that i couldn’t/ didn’t really try to stop it.

the first day, i suppose, wasn’t a full-out binge, according to stories i’ve heard others tell, but it was big to me. 1750 cal that day… it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by the end my stomach was sticking out and it actually hurt. i hadn’t had that feeling for YEARS.

i went and exercised off 250 but it doesn’t matter.

and then every day since i’ve gone over my number because i decided to randomly make a cake. it’s vegan and the ingredients are more natural, but it’s still a cake and it’s still loaded with fat and sugar.

at least now the cake is gone. and now i NEED to get back on track. i leave for college in just a few weeks and i’d like to make a good first impression, and i don’t remember how, so i can at least look pretty good, right?

and i’d like to meet a guy within the first week. that would be fun. i’ve never had a guy, and maybe he could help me to stop thinking about and stressing about and dreaming about the man who has still not emailed me back. the man who showed me that great men exist, and who i will probably compare all other guys to… at least for a while.

I’M GOING TO GET BACK ON TRACK!!!

who’s with me?!

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

Happy day-before Easter

April 3, 2010

HEY EVEYONE  IMI’M WRITING THIS ON AN ITOUCH AND I CANTCAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE THIS THING TO UNIN CAPS AND ENTER SO I APOLOGIZE    ANYWAY IMI’M KIND OF EXCITED FOR MY FIRST VEGAN EASTEER TOMORROW BUT IMI’M STILL NERVOUS ABIUTABOUT TH CALORISCALORIE AND WUCHSUCH   ESPECIALTLY SINCE IMI’M NOT FEELING TOO GREAT ABOUT MY BODY AND PROGRESS THESE DAYS   BUT I HINK I HAVE A SOLUTION   YOU SEE IVEI’VE BEN ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR  A YEAR AND A HALF TO HELP WITH MENUSTRATION AND EVER SINCE IVEFELT FATTER   BUT I THOUGHT MAMAYBE THAT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH PUBERTY PROR EATIG HABITS BUT NOW THAT IVEI’VE BEEN EATING SO WELL WITHOUT THE RESULTS I WANT IMI’M WONDERING IF IT WAS THE PILLS AL ALONG   SO IMI’M GOING OFF OF THEM FOR A FEW MONTHS    IF MY PERIODS DONTDON’T AGREE WIHWIU HTHT IELL HAVE TO GO BACK BUT RIM HOPING IMI’M FIXED AND THT THIS WILL BE THE ANSWER IVEI’VE BEEN WAITING FOR   KAYBEMAYBE IMI’M PUTTING TO MUCH HOPE IN THIS EXPERIMENT BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN SPMETHINGSOMETHING THESE DAYS  A LOT OF CHANGES ARE TAKING PLACE IN MY SCHOOL AND EVEN THOUGH ILLI’LL BE GONE NEXT YEARE HEY UPSET ME      OK SO HOPEFULLY ILLI’LL GET BETTER AT THIS BECAUSE HE KEYS ARE REALLY FUN TO PRESS AND IDI’D LOVE TO LEARN HOW TO POST PICS   OK BYE

rebel

March 23, 2010

i want to start a protest.. preferably something passive… or secretive. would that still count as a protest?

i’m tired of not doing anything.

any ideas?

i love these quirky outfits!

woo!

gosh i’m so tired. i’m sorry that these last two posts have sucked… i think i need to get back to my semi-happy place, if you know what i mean.

hola

March 21, 2010

ok, so it’s been a long time again. i’m sorry! school’s been really stressful and we had power issues for about a week.

i think all the stress is causing me to gain because i’ve been eating the same and exercising but i’m in the low 100s again 😦

i have nothing else to say.

^ so cool!

^ her arms ❤

^ she also kind of reminds me of me. something about her hair and her eyes…

that felt good. its been a while since i’ve even SEEN thinspo.

hope you all are well 🙂

WTF

February 14, 2010

i weighed myself this morning. and guess what i got? 104.8. 104.8!

how the heck did i gain two pounds?!?

i’m praying that it has to do with the massive amount of liquids i drank yesterday, my congestion, or the fact that my digestive system doesn’t seem to be working.

or all of those reasons combined.

grrr…

so, i don’t know if my experiment worked because i spent the day with my friends who LOVE to eat (but are so skinny!) and we got italian food and REALLY good chocolate.

even the calories i burned walking around the city and shopping couldn’t save me… 😦  but i’ve got to keep up appearances, right? or is that just an excuse?

anyway, i’m going to try again today. so far, i’ve only had 200 cal which isn’t a bad start.

^ this girl kind of reminds me of me. not the body or the hair, but the face and eyes. it’s weird, because i’m not a normal-looking person. my features are quirky, if that makes sense.

ps. happy valentine’s day! if you like it, have a great time! if you don’t, you’re not alone 😉

ugh

February 5, 2010

worst. day. ever.

i didn’t have time to think about my body once the entire school day. i haven’t done that since eighth grade when i was cute and tiny…

i’m just really stressed and not doing well this semester because my of my stress, but then i end up stressing out even more because i’m not doing well…

am i making sense? nothing inside my head right now’s making sense.

forget it. pictures:

^ballerina-esque ❤

^i’m loving the retro-chic… i wish my legs could pull off white tights

my thighs

January 30, 2010

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…

fat day

January 29, 2010

i swear that i’m fatter today. i think it’s because i stopped taking these meds that have weight loss as a side-effect, so i went back on. i’m better with them anyway, as long as it’s only a small dose.

so now i’m waiting and hoping that i’ll stop ballooning and start shrinking, because i was definitely beginning to look 100 lbs. grrr.