101

December 20, 2010

while not perfect– or, really, ideal— it’s not 102.8!

woo-frickin’-hoo!!!

seriously, i was stuck on that darn number for… a week? 10 days? (something ridiculous)

and now i’ve finally made it off that number and onto a different, lower number. (and one without any of those decimal points, which i like. 101.0. so chic, so sleek.)

yay.

also… my finals are over! HUZZAH! and i’m home 🙂 which is nice because i love my family… and i have easy access to an exercise bike AND an elliptical in our wonderful basement ❤ for when i eat too much. it’s my way of purging, so i suppose i’m running down that path towards “exercise bulimia” or “exercise anorexia”… but isn’t it healthier to get rid of calories by exercising then by vomiting?

anyway… celebratory thinspo:

a demain

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you know that guy i’ve been talking about? well, i don’t know if i told you that we’re emailing, but we are.

kind of.

you see, i emailed him back an email and he has not replied in 3 weeks. and do you know what that does to a girl like me?

flips her out!

i mean, he’s probably just busy… but then that begs the obvious retort, too busy for me? the girl you said you’d miss? yeah right.

guys lie. they’re liars!

but what if that’s not it. (this is the scary part) what if he suddenly realized that omg i’ve been in love with him for 2 years? and now he’s avoiding me because he feels awkward because he doesn’t feel the same way…

or because he’s not supposed to.

i just wish he’d write back. to clear my head… and because i miss him. a lot. he’s in my dreams pretty much every night… :-/

this all makes me feel like such a stalker-freak. so… enough. thinspo time:

ps. wordpress is SOOO much better than blogspot. uploading pictures is a fiasco and reading other people’s blogs is so irritating that i’ve pretty much stopped doing it.

also, none of you are there. so yeah. wordpress is king!!!

no words

June 14, 2010

i don’t feel like talking today. all i will say is: men.

😦

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

pictuuures

June 8, 2010

crisis averted. drank a little beer to settle my stomach and then went to bed.

so, i’m getting a new computer, so i’m gonna start posting mass amounts of pictures so that i don’t have transfer them. i hope that’s ok.

^^^ i love skins 🙂

^^^ this is the beach body i’d like

^^^ cute sweater (i love sweaters)

have any of you ever been in love with someone with a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other, maybe even a fiance or spouse, or just someone you couldn’t have for whatever reason? because i need some serious advice on this subject and i’m feeling very alone right now. 😦

ps. i got a twitter, but it’s my personal one so i’m afraid to post it here lest someone figures out this blog is mine. not that i’m ashamed of anything i’ve written here… it’s just very personal. anyway, if any of you have one, we should exchange.

how are we all today?

June 7, 2010

my stomach’s on the fritz, so i’ll just cut right to the pictures:

^^^the cutest high-waisted shorts i’ve ever seen

🙂

her calves ❤

listening to camera obscura (anyone a fan?). hopefully i’ll have something to say tomorrow.

i think i need to write. i mean, i get to write in my creative writing class but i can’t write about my food issues or undying love for one of my ex-teachers or i’d probably get sent to guidance.

and so i’m back! and i must say, i’ve missed this place. it keeps me writing and keeps me on track food-wise. i think when i went on hiatus i was getting down into the 90s. so let me catch you up:

i went down, down, down pretty painlessly… and that scared me. and then i was at 90… and that scared me. but at the same time, i was excited. but i started eating more so now i’m back at 100.

and now i wish i hadn’t been scared. i mean, 90? maybe not. but 95 would have been ok.

but i’ve been trying to lose again because prom is coming up. tomorrow. i hate prom. and i wish i had just stayed at 90… then i would feel sooo much better.

because now i’m really really scared. i HATED how i looked in the pictures last year. my arms and calves, especially. but i was heavier at this time last year, wasn’t i? i feel like i was. i hope i was…

i’m most worried about my arms. they’re all flabby up top. not up to my standards.

now, i think that’s enough complaining for one post.

i hope you all are well! i need to catch up on A LOT of blogs.

cheers

EDIT: i just realized i left you with a bit of a cliffhanger. well, i’m still off the birth control and i do think it’s making losing weight easier. and i’m probably less puffy but right now i’m too negative to see it.

^^^i LOVE this outfit! the pairing of the sweater and the dress makes it…

^^^how can someone so thin still have boobs? for me, there’s a trade-off.

it’s only a day away

April 5, 2010

so tomorrow i start my first day sans birth control and i am SO excited!!! i really feel like this could be the start of a whole new chapter for me… i mean, i already feel happier, more free. and i know looks aren’t everything and weight’s not everything, but it’s something.

and what if the hormones from the pills have also been affecting my mood? i HAVE been crying a lot lately…

ag! i’m really hopeful this works out. 🙂

hola

March 21, 2010

ok, so it’s been a long time again. i’m sorry! school’s been really stressful and we had power issues for about a week.

i think all the stress is causing me to gain because i’ve been eating the same and exercising but i’m in the low 100s again 😦

i have nothing else to say.

^ so cool!

^ her arms ❤

^ she also kind of reminds me of me. something about her hair and her eyes…

that felt good. its been a while since i’ve even SEEN thinspo.

hope you all are well 🙂

big thinspo post

February 26, 2010

because i was away for a while…

so i’m still a vegan, and i’m finding it much easier to meet my goals this way since it cuts out so many temptations. and it’s not like i want to eat these things because i feel bad. AND, sans my cold that appears to not want to leave, my body feels really good… better than it has in a long time.

i’m still nervous for my weigh-in on sunday, though. what if i’m back in the triple-digits? i know that i said that the 99 was probably a fluke, but i REALLY want to believe that it wasn’t.