June 8, 2010

crisis averted. drank a little beer to settle my stomach and then went to bed.

so, i’m getting a new computer, so i’m gonna start posting mass amounts of pictures so that i don’t have transfer them. i hope that’s ok.

^^^ i love skins 🙂

^^^ this is the beach body i’d like

^^^ cute sweater (i love sweaters)

have any of you ever been in love with someone with a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other, maybe even a fiance or spouse, or just someone you couldn’t have for whatever reason? because i need some serious advice on this subject and i’m feeling very alone right now. 😦

ps. i got a twitter, but it’s my personal one so i’m afraid to post it here lest someone figures out this blog is mine. not that i’m ashamed of anything i’ve written here… it’s just very personal. anyway, if any of you have one, we should exchange.


moving on

August 27, 2009

first off, i want to thank you all SO SO much for commenting! you guys really helped me feel better 🙂

i’m trying to move on. i’m waiting for school to start so i can get swept up in homework, standardized tests, and emt. i know that i’ll miss doing a sport (hence my interest in joining cross country) but i don’t think i will. unless i end up having too much time on my hands.

i’m still really mad at the coaches though. i don’t think that i explained the whole situation and i can’t now because it’s WAAAY too long, but here’s the short version:

i had a meeting with the head coach at the end of last year, during which he basically implied that if i could get my asthma under control and come out stronger in the running, i would make the team. he said absolutely NOTHING that gave me even the slightest hint that i wouldn’t.

then what? i’m cut. i’m cut AND i’m a senior (and seniors DON’T get cut… ever. any sport. not at my school)

but not only that, i’m the ONLY senior cut.

embarrassing, no?

so i’m still really mad at him, and i’m not sure how long it will take me to get over it. thing is, he was supposed to be my teacher this year (= a disaster?) so i’m currently trying to switch out of his class.

i now may have to take that class at a local college= even less time to think about what i’m missing. (but also less time to study, etc.)

i wish it didn’t happen; i wish i hadn’t been cut. but even so, i shouldn’t dwell on it. i’m trying to get out of shock-mode and back on my feet.

oh, and hopefully make some new friends.

i wish it would. i mean, this is my last year! what if i never get the chance to play again? (i won’t if my college doesn’t have club teams)

don’t think that this means i’m not trying out, because i am. tomorrow. *shudders*

but coach said some thing yesterday that kind of scared the sh!t out of me: “there could be cuts on all levels.” ALL LEVEL?!? like, seniors too?

usually, seniors aren’t cut. in ANY sport at my school, so this was quite a suprise.

the thing is, of all the seniors, i am by far the weakest link.

of all the seniors and the juniors, i am probably still the weakest link.

but would he cut just one senior? one who’s given him 3 years? one who’s tried her best and been a good sports and NOT b!tched out the coaches? that’s hard to find amongst the upperclassmen.

the thing is, part of the reason why i’m not playing so well right now is my asthma. it HATES the summer, and it’s been extremely hot here (100+ ?) for the past week or so. it makes breathing extremely difficult, which makes running (especially sprinting) extremely difficult, which makes drills a bit more difficult.

i know. i’m making excuses. shame, shame.

so, i feel like i’m probably going to get cut. and then i’ll scorekeep or offer to help out or something…?

now, let’s assume that i DON’T get cut:

i have a hell of a lot of work this year. i’m taking ap classes to the max (one of them’s even the supposed hardest at my school) AND taking an emt class twice a week.

i’ve done field hockey and homework. it isn’t a huge deal. but field hockey and emt class might conflict on days we have games– especially if they’re away games since both jv and varsity teams have to play.

and then on days when there’s practice, i have about an hours to go home, shower, and start my homework. so i guess i’ll have to finish it after emt class?

coach is nice– really nice, but i know that he won’t like this. he’ll see this as not commited to the team; i’m trying to be, but there are things that i NEED to do for college, and field hockey isn’t one of them. i just happen to love the sport.

i know that i’m getting ahead of myself; i should take it one step at a time. step 1: get through tryouts.

but still, i feel like this can’t end well for me. 😦

thinspiration 8/19

August 19, 2009


i love this dress


is that emma watson???



ah! i need these calves!!!


random thought for today: i wish that what i wore everyday was interesting enough for me to blog about it. ESPECIALLY in the summer. i have so much time that i could be crafting perfect outfits but i’m too lazy; i put on a t-shirt and shorts everyday. and usually, it’s the same pair of shorts. they’re from jcrew and they’re my favorite. 🙂

so… so far my day hasn’t been, well, ideal.

i woke up this morning to the sounds of two leaf-blowers. leaf-blowers. at 9 am. and it isn’t even fall! what leaves are there to blow? needless to say, i was pissed off.

but somehow, i got back to sleep. until the doorbell rings. and rings again. it’s 12 pm. so i look outside and see the package truck. and i go downstairs to find out that instead of the package, they left some crap slip with spaces for signatures, going on about re-delivery and pickup.

i spend a solid 20 minutes trying to decipher this little orange slip and then i see that the package isn’t even mine. no. it’s my father’s. probably some work clothes or tennis rackets.

but that’s ok because i’m going to a movie tonight. i’m happy. i can relax and do my summer assignments and then go out and have fun like a normal teenager.

but no. i get a text and apparently there is a field hockey practice– all running, i might add– that i’m expected to attend. joy.

so now, i’m going to have to die at practice and wait until tomorrow to see the movie. isn’t that just dandy?!?

so now i’m watching skins on my laptop, eating dried fruit and drinking TONS of water in attempt to prepare myself for the slaughter.

*sigh* how badly i’d like to not go. but i know that i should; it’s now or never. if i start showing up, i’ll look good– both to the coaches and physically– and it’ll make tryouts that much tolerable.

so i’m gonna do this. i’m gonna show up. i feel extrmemly nauseas just typing those words so PLEASE wish me luck!!!

ps. it’s possible that my love may be returning today. i hope this is the case.

today i ate too much… over 1200. yuck. still have a deficit, but a small one.

luckily, yesterday i ended up walking off 150 cal, putting me just over 1000. not bad.

i’m tired of summer already. i never thought i’d say that, but i just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. i guess school took over my life last year more than i knew. damn, i miss it.







also… i came up with a summer goal! (yay) i think it’s pretty realistic as well. i’ve decided that i want to get down, at least, to 100 lbs (aka lose 10 lbs). it wont be EASY by any stretch,  but i think it can happen, right? that would be burning/ not eating 35000 cal in 3 months… which is about 11667 per month. which is about 389 a day. and my bmr is 1306 so that means that i have to eat less than 917 a day or eat 1117 a day and work off 100 (which is more reasonable).

and none of this is that difficult except that i just remembered that we do not, in fact, really get  3 months off, despite what the school likes to say, but 2 and 1 week or so. so maybe i should count the end of summer as the technical, seasonal end of summer in mid-september?