100.8

December 21, 2010

remember yesterday when i praised the lack of a decimal point? well, screw that, because i like this number better!

100.8

it’s only .2 away from 101, but what a difference it makes! i mean, i now have hope that maybe, possibly, i can get back into the double digits by christmas!

what a gift that would be…

i guess i’m doing something right. i started a new exel spreadsheet to keep track of my daily calorie-intake, etc. and this one also keeps track of my weight… meaning that i have to weight myself every single day. i think that is definitely helping me get back on track!

in fact, a study done at my university found that students who weighed themselves everyday were much, much, much (can you tell that i don’t remember the percentage? 😉 ) more likely to NOT gain the freshman 15.

well, my personal findings support that supposition.

^^^ gorgeous calves!

anyhow, how are all of you? i was gone for so long this fall that i’m trying to catch up on all of my blogs and it’s taking a while. 🙂

c’est moi

December 11, 2010

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

the beginning in the end

December 9, 2010

no, i’m not talking about the wonderfully hear-wrenching episode of Bones… that actually led me to cry hysterically during the closing credits (and i DON’T cry during tv shows, movies… except Toy Story 3, and i only cried a LITTLE bit).

no, i’m talking about the end of the semester–my first semester at college/ university– and the chance it brings for me to start over on my weight-loss journey. (though, if you were wishing i was talking about the Bones episode, you might want to check out my BRAND SPANKING NEW Bones blog: idontknowhathatmeans.blogspot.com )

anyhow, i’m going to have a whole month at home before i have to come back here, which i think is more than enough time to reassess and come up with a masterful game-plan… not to mention, really get started exercising and losing again.

my plan:

weigh in the high-90s (at most) by Christmas

weigh in the mid to low 90s by the time i go back to school (late January)

start running

 

i’m actually excited for that last bit ^^^ because i have all this under-armor from my stint in winter track (good times!) and, of course, field hockey… and i’m excited to get back into it and have it FIT the way it used to.

plus, it makes me look super-cool when i wear it 😉

any workout music recommendations?

-K

99.6

November 7, 2010

I’m back, baby!

At least for today. At least for this weigh-in.

And, at least in terms of weight.

I’m still guy-less. I shouldn’t feel desperate but I am. I texted this guy last last, whom I met during orientation (let’s call him OG… except, I already have one of those, don’t I? Well, I met him randomly, so let’s call him RG. So now, to clarify, there’s an RG, OG, CG, and TA). I asked if he wanted to go see a movie but he said he was too busy with work.

And I have no reason to believe that’s not the case, because I ran into him last week and he was grabbing a sandwich to take back to his room because he had to study with prelims.

Regardless, I was disappointed… but I ended up watching Amelie at the community center, and that’s one of my favorite movies, so it ended up being a pretty good night!

*sigh* I love Audrey Tautou. She’s gorgeous and thin…

But I digress.

Maybe the secret to happiness is always having a viable Plan B.

And being asexual.

alone

October 17, 2010

so guess who didn’t show up last night? or text. or call. or answer my call. yeah, that would be CG.

i really wanted to come. i thought this time would be different. i thought we would fall asleep together, and he’d realize that i’m what he wants. he always complains about how girls always see him as just a friend, but i don’t. i’m here. i’m not unattractive.

i try to be a good friend. i try. he seems like he isn’t trying at all these days.

i really need to stop becoming enamored with people who can’t/ won’t reciprocate. i guess it’s all part of having “daddy issues” from a lack of any consistent father-figure. (i mean, i LOVE my dad, but we didn’t spend much time together.)

c’est la vie.

anyhow, i just got back from brunch:

^^^ i ate this. and then i went and got more of the dim sum.

my estimate? 900 calories. terrific. but i AM going to a concert tonight (Phoenix) and so i will make it a point to dance.

and i have my gym class today. and a LOT of studying (not much time to think about food, i hope).

i need to do this! i’ve already lost almost 2 pounds since last week! 3 more and i’m back into the 90s where i want to be. and when i’m 98, i’m going to buy myself a briefcase-inspired satchel. in brown.

🙂 / 😦

au revoir!

i told

October 16, 2010

i’ve been wanting someone– ANYONE– to figure it out for a long time now. to say, you look too skinny. you’re not eating enough. i’ve even hinted! talking about how i want to lose weight, how i’ve fasted for days at a time, and NOTHING!

even when i was down to around 91 no one was saying anything, so now that i’m a bit more than that, i guess i shouldn’t have expected anything either.

but it’s like i want it! i want people to care about this. they care in other ways… but sometimes that isn’t enough.

for instance, right now i’m waiting for this guy i’v found in college whom i care about and have passionate feelings for to text.

but guess what? he wont. he likes me, i think. we’re friends. but i don’t think he’ll ever REALLY care… at least, not as much as i want, and not without me having to prompt him.

oh, wait. he just did. and dinner? yeah, he isn’t coming. he’s busy. he’s always busy.

i miss the guy i had back home… well, i didn’t FULLY have him, but i had him more than i’ve ever had a guy. he cared. he didn’t have to try; he just did. and he was KIND and funny and smart and gorgeous. and he was happy to see me.

i visited him last week. i thought i was over him and we could just have a friendly conversation… and that’s how it started. i was a fool to think some college boy could ever occupy the void i’ve reserved for him. it was one of the most fulfilling conversations i’ve had… and now i know he DOES have feelings for me.

i wish something could happen there; i’m in love with him. but i love him, and if he truly believes he’s found happiness with someone else, that’s great for him. but if that’s the case, why is he so hung up in me? on that poem i wrote?

shit.

i’m confused. and when i take time to REALLY think, i’m unhappy.

anyway, i told. i need to see a counselor here in order to be given a psychiatrist, so i went yesterday. she had one of those questionnaires that she read out: have you been abused? no. have you ever harmed yourself? no.

and then she brought up body image… and i just felt the words fill my cheeks and i said, yes. i wish i were skinnier.

then she asked me if i’ve ever restricted and i said yes. she asked, now? and i think i said, a little bit (but i’m not sure).

i didn’t tell her that i binge sometimes, or that i try to purge, but i told her something and now SOMEONE knows. she doesn’t care, but she knows.

and i’m not going to stop. i’ve written 98 on my hand and i need to get back there. that’s just the way it is.

bon soir.

i am still here!

October 15, 2010

i haven’t posted in a very long time– possibly the longest i’ve gone since i started this blog. but i have a good reason: i left for college.

so now i’m here in a dorm. i have new friends, and new pounds. and the latter is really getting to me.

and you know where i used to go when i needed inspiration? here. so this is where i am.

i’m back!

i was a solid 96 pounds when i left home (which i was quite pleased with) and now ‘m in the 102-104 range and that ISN’T ok with me. i thought college would make losing weight easier, but it isn’t. i go with my friends to eat in order to have a social life, but in those all-you-can eat dining halls it’s so easy to slip up! they don’t post calories… and that freaks me out. i thought i’d be fine since i’m a vegan, but i guess not!

i’m now trying to get back on track, eating a lot of cooked vegetables, mushrooms, tofu, and raw vegetables with salsa. but my dorm has become a challenging place: sometimes i end up buying a box of cereal or vegan cookies and bringing them back with me and that’s no good. AND sometimes my mom ends up sending me food.

i need to start giving it away, the food she sends. and i need to stop buying food myself. only for immediate meals. and gum. lots of gum.

does anyone have any tips? this is all very new to me!

i also don’t have a roommate, which makes it easier for me to binge if i so choose. and i did once. and tried to throw it all up, but only got a little bit out. that was NOT a fun night. 😦

now, i’m off to shop for some thinspo! i’m excited to see all the new pictures up 🙂

97 96

July 20, 2010

today i weighed myself and i was 96.6.

yesterday i was 97.

yesterday i ate 1100 cal and drank a decent amount of water.

thus, i am likely losing water weight.

thus, i should keep drinking lots of water.

(this i know and have known for a while, but the self-destructive part in me doesn’t like doing it)

that would be me. but NOT intentionally, i swear!

i’ve had stomach flu for officially a week tomorrow (my stomach’s really bad so it takes me a while to get over even small bugs…) and it hasn’t been fun. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself in the mirror these days… but the pain just isn’t worth it. it would be more difficult, but i wish my intestines would work normally so i could lose weight at least somewhat-normally. whatever that is…

anyway, i’m no longer a high school student. it’s been over two weeks but i have yet to process the fact, so that’s all i have to say on the subject. unless anyone has any specific questions, of course 😉

ummm… oh, yes. and OF COURSE i will miss him– my guy. hell, i miss him already. he hugged me though, at graduation… that was really nice. it felt right… like i didn’t even have to think about it: he held out his arms and i melted into him. i was too calm from the comfort to be happy-happy…

and now we’re emailing. we went from hugs to emails in just a couple of days. talk about a downgrade…

but it’s nice, too. better than never hearing from him again… but in person things slip out that don’t slip out in emails, and sometimes those small tidbits are the most useful… the most motivating…

and sometimes they’re about engagement rings and they crush you. but i’m better off for knowing, because now i know that this is when i need to make any sort of play that i intend to make. now, if he would only hint at the wedding date i would know about how long/ short and sneaky/ upfront this play can be.

email is really messing with my plans.

so how are all of you?

i promise to post pictures next time. i just don’t remember where i left off….

hey, everybody!

June 13, 2010

i just did an hour of yoga!

…ok, actually just 40 minutes, but that’s pretty good, right? i exercise at gym at school about every other day (elliptical or treadmill) and occasionally use my crap elliptical at home when i freak about about eating too much (i guess a part of me is exercise-bulimic…?) or dance when my ipod just happens to be on and playing a good song and i’m alone, but i’ve never had much of a consistent, at-home routine.

maybe it’s time to start one. maybe i’m not young enough anymore that i can get away with simply dieting to lose weight and look fabulous. (i AM of voting age now, after all…)

i found my yoga video on my netflix instant play thing and there’s dancing and pilates too, so maybe once school’s out i should do a video every other day, and for now, do one a week…

i think that’s a good plan, right?

in further news, when i get to where i want to be body-wise, i want to try acting or modeling. my dream is to take a train across the country to los angeles and stay for a few weeks to a month and just audition like crazy! i could stay in some motel or rent a crap apartment… and i don’t know who i’d go with. could i go alone? it’s kind of going against the whole buddy-system rule…

i guess my plan still needs some ironing out, but it sounds promising, right? i wish i could go this summer, but i’m going to have a lot to do to get ready for college, so i’m setting my sights on next summer.

maybe this summer, i can just start in new york. which would make sense. why go across the country when i can audition locally? i mean, i guess i view los angeles as having more opportunities, but then again i’ve never been there…

so new york. this summer. PRACTICE.

and in order to get anywhere, especially since i haven’t acted since middle school and wasn’t particularly good, i’m going to need to look awesome. have that whole star-quality thing down. good body. good hair. good clothes. good skin. (any tips for good skin, btw? it’s usually OK, but around THAT TIME… not great 😦 )

what do you think? this is crazy, right? but maybe it would be fun, and i’d know i tried when i was young…

anyway, how about some pictures?

^^^i want these thighs

^^^ sometimes i wish i were model-tall… or even just tall… or of a normal height

^^^i’m OBSESSED with nautical stripes. esp in navy.

^^^the way she walks, she looks like a much-skinnier version of me. all i need are those lovely arms and calves… but i feel like my calves are so bulky/ stumpy, and not long and lean. anyone know what i can do about that?

alright, everyone. happy sunday! and don’t forget to dream big 🙂