c’est moi

this is what i look like right now, at 102.8, a weight that i’ve remained at for many moons… and one that makes me uncomfortable, as i really really really want to get back to the 90s. when i left for college, i was at 93! hopefully, some of this is muscle from all the crazy hills here and the walking i’ve been doing. and the occasional visit to the gym (i REALLY need to start going more. next semester).

and NOT weight from the beginning of some Freshman 15 fiasco or the crazy high-cal days i’ve been having: like, around 2000 cal. at home, at school… i’m not sure what triggers them, but that isn’t going to matter, for i’m not going to let them happen again. i’ve been doing really well this past week, so… yeah. i’m gonna best this, or whatever. (i’m tired.)

side note: i’m actually starting to think that my scale may be broken, because my guy friend likes to weigh himself on it from time to time and he’s REALLY tall and weighs a lot more than me, and when my brothers were here, they weighed themselves and one of them claimed he weighed 10 lbs more on my scale. (the other said nothing, but he usually doesn’t.) so hopefully that means i weigh a bit less than 102… though i fear i may weight more, for i’m not a fan of what my stomach and thighs have been up to lately.

so, yeah. that’s annoying.

and if you saw the stack of paper that i have to read in order to do well on my anthropology final, you might cry. and i NEED to ace this final because anthropology is my thing. it’s what i do, who i am, all that jazz…

and now my printer has run out of ink. oh, joy.

BUUUT luckily i’m going home on wednesday for 5 WHOLE WEEKS!!! no homework, classes, tests… just hanging out with my family and my old friends. and watching tv. and eating healthy, home-cooked meals (thank goodness my mom is trying to lose weight at well! not that she knows i’m trying to lose any…), and perhaps a bubble-bath or two? (i haven’t had one of those in ages…)

so… cheers to that! and i hope all of you who are having finals now aren’t stressed out too much 🙂

a tout a l’heure (when i WILL post thinspo)

no no NO

i’m not putting up with this crap anymore. i’m getting on track and i’m STAYING on track… none of this, i-look-good-so-i-can-slack crap.

that isn’t happening anymore. IT CAN’T.

the past three days i’ve gone over my allotted calories… and so now i’m bloated, which makes me angry, etc. i mean, all day i just kept thinking about how i could be looking so much better.

i’m just so freaking self-destructive! 😦

anyone want a texting buddy? i need someone to talk me out of eating!!!

i’m also going to start posting thinspo everyday… and exercising AT LEAST twice a week outside of my gym class.

help me!!! 😦

Happy day-before Easter

HEY EVEYONE  IMI’M WRITING THIS ON AN ITOUCH AND I CANTCAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE THIS THING TO UNIN CAPS AND ENTER SO I APOLOGIZE    ANYWAY IMI’M KIND OF EXCITED FOR MY FIRST VEGAN EASTEER TOMORROW BUT IMI’M STILL NERVOUS ABIUTABOUT TH CALORISCALORIE AND WUCHSUCH   ESPECIALTLY SINCE IMI’M NOT FEELING TOO GREAT ABOUT MY BODY AND PROGRESS THESE DAYS   BUT I HINK I HAVE A SOLUTION   YOU SEE IVEI’VE BEN ON BIRTH CONTROL FOR  A YEAR AND A HALF TO HELP WITH MENUSTRATION AND EVER SINCE IVEFELT FATTER   BUT I THOUGHT MAMAYBE THAT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH PUBERTY PROR EATIG HABITS BUT NOW THAT IVEI’VE BEEN EATING SO WELL WITHOUT THE RESULTS I WANT IMI’M WONDERING IF IT WAS THE PILLS AL ALONG   SO IMI’M GOING OFF OF THEM FOR A FEW MONTHS    IF MY PERIODS DONTDON’T AGREE WIHWIU HTHT IELL HAVE TO GO BACK BUT RIM HOPING IMI’M FIXED AND THT THIS WILL BE THE ANSWER IVEI’VE BEEN WAITING FOR   KAYBEMAYBE IMI’M PUTTING TO MUCH HOPE IN THIS EXPERIMENT BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN SPMETHINGSOMETHING THESE DAYS  A LOT OF CHANGES ARE TAKING PLACE IN MY SCHOOL AND EVEN THOUGH ILLI’LL BE GONE NEXT YEARE HEY UPSET ME      OK SO HOPEFULLY ILLI’LL GET BETTER AT THIS BECAUSE HE KEYS ARE REALLY FUN TO PRESS AND IDI’D LOVE TO LEARN HOW TO POST PICS   OK BYE

ugh

worst. day. ever.

i didn’t have time to think about my body once the entire school day. i haven’t done that since eighth grade when i was cute and tiny…

i’m just really stressed and not doing well this semester because my of my stress, but then i end up stressing out even more because i’m not doing well…

am i making sense? nothing inside my head right now’s making sense.

forget it. pictures:

^ballerina-esque ❤

^i’m loving the retro-chic… i wish my legs could pull off white tights

my thighs

yup… there they are. they’re looking less huge today, so that’s good. but then i was forced to go to dinner with the family and had waaay too many calories because i’m HORRIBLE with restaurants. the portions are so big and everyone’s talking… it’s over-stimulating, i suppose. and then i eat because i’m stressed or because that’s what one’s supposed to do in a restaurant. sigh.

and then i went home and tried to make myself throw up. i told myself that today was the day and shoved that toothbrush down.

and i gagged and gagged but nothing came up. double sigh.

i DID feel slightly nauseas afterwards, though. maybe i was close…? ugh. i feel like such a failure. i really though i was going to do it…

so then i had to go all exercise bulimia and dance for an hour and a half, but i still feel disgusting.

i feel like fasting; i think i’m getting worse…

not a bad start

ok, so i NEED to start losing again! this is just unacceptable. but i think i got a good start this morning. a friend came around this morning and we went for a walk. good conversation AND jump-starting my metabolism for the day??? good stuff! (-100 calories)

and then i had some breakie (275 cal) and then did some cleaning (-100 cal) and then had some lunch (200 cal).

s0 now i’m at 275, which isn’t too bad since i just have dinner to go, but i’m going to the dreaded buffet!!! why did i agree to this? can anyone explain this to me? i can be so self-destructive sometimes…

but at least i have room in my calories that i can slip up and have up to 800 and i’ll be ok…

ugh, i HAVE to do this! i think i’ll go clean some more to try to burn some extra calories…

don’t let today’s weakness ruin tomorrow’s dream, girls! 😉

because i think i’m gaining…

either that or i’m going crazy, but i feel like my thighs and calves are slowly expanding again and it’s driving me INSANE!

anyone have tips? eating? exercise? i’ve gotta get this under control… 😦

whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/letting-go-of-a-relationshipthat-doesnt-exist/

well, shit.

when i saw the title at first, i didn’t want to read it. and know i know why: this is me!

i’ve turned into this obsessive freak whom i barely recognize

i’m living on crumbs

i’m creating more stress for myself

i guess i’m not surprised. i have problems with food, among MANY other things, so why wouldn’t i have problems with guys?

shit.

shit shit shit

i’m sorry for the profanity but i’ve been fooling myself– and i’ve gotten so damn good at it that, most days, i’m really happy with this version 2.0 life i’ve created.

but this article made me feel like a freak and maybe (probably) i am… but what else am i supposed to do when i have feelings for someone that i cant demolish for a guy who can’t return them right now and i see him everyday because we’re friendly.

urg. it’s not like i’m delusional… i mean, i KNOW that there’s nothing going on but i HOPE that maybe something could in the future. and THAT is my fantasy. but is there anything wrong with hope? i was under the impression that we were supposed to hope.

and can this possibly hurt me? maybe emotionally, but it’s not like i’m at the age for marriage and i’m going to miss my husband or whatever if i’m crushing on this guy.

and what if something happens? why the hell am i not supposed to hope that maybe something could? i’m young! isn’t that what i’m supposed to do? it gives me an escape from sadness and food issues and it isn’t a drug or alcoholic beverage or anything dangerous.

“Dwell in possibility”

i hope i’m not enabling myself, but is that really such a bad thing? it’ll have to end anyway when i go to college in six months.

sooo nervous

i’m sorry i haven’t posted recently, but i have a good reason! i think i told you guys i had swine flu, right? well i missed a WHOLE lot of school so i’ve been busy busy busy making up tests, copying notes, reading a whole book in two days (ehem)… etc.

i hope when i catch up i’ll be able to start blogging regularly again!

anyhow, this thursday (which is two days away) is a REALLY big day for my because i’m getting my college early decision results. i applied to an extremely competitive school so odds are i won’t get in… but i love the school so much!

ugh… i’m dreading it.

anyway, i find out at 5pm so if you happen to be looking at a clock and realize it’s 5 pm eastern time, i wouldn’t mind receiving some good vibes. 😉

thanksgiving

this is my second favorite holiday… and can be my favorite in years when christmas doesn’t go as planned. before ed was a while ago so i can’t remember the exact feeling, but i remember loving everything about thanksgiving. i was always so hungry before the dinner that i thought that year would be the year that i finally didn’t get stuffed halfway through my small plate.

i wish being able to stop eating when i’m full.

i was talking to someone today and i realized that i’m a very extreme, all-or-nothing girl… especially when it comes to food. i mean, it’s not like i’ll literally eat nothing or a ton of food… it’s that i either have to be significantly under my alloted calories or i feel like it isn’t worth it and have a mini-binge to go over it. that’s why i’m very rarely in the 1200-1400 zone. it’s 1000 or it’s 1600.

but i’ve had a month or so of luck and have been able to stay closer to 1000… and i feel like that luck’s running out, or perhaps it’s just the leftovers screwing me over. either way, i’m very stressed and unhappy right now because i’ve had no deficit the last three days and my thighs, arms, and stomach are undoubtably bigger.

and now i’ve forgotten how to spell undoubtably and am spelling it wrong. frick.

and no my friend is calling me and asking her to drink with her and i finally understand peer pressure… but the one thing keeping me from going might just be my ed. who’d waste calories on vodka, right?

ugh. i blame this all on my swine flu. even before my past three days of disaster i had four days when i was home sick that went over the limit. my stomach probably stretched and is definitely stretching now and i have to go to frickin school on monday.

what a jolly post for a jolly holiday season, eh?

next post won’t be a rant. i promise.