here’s some (th)inspiration:

Bridal Boot Camp.

ps. i love this blog in general. it’s had me laughing like a loon for the past three hours.

ahoy, matey!

as per the advice of a lovely commenter, i’ve purchased some yerba mate tea bags. supposedly, ym helps with digestion and associated issues, weight loss, low energy levels… which is perfect for me! it seems too good to be true…

but i guess i’ll find out soon enough; i’ve got my first mug full of it next to me right now. it has a subtly odd smell and kind of tastes like green tea… i’m trying to decide whether that’s good or bad.

also… since my friends and i will soon be high school graduates, we were taking pictures today, and i must say that tip about holding your shoulders back really DOES make you look ten pounds lighter!!! i was like WOW i look so small! (in a cute way.) and if you have your arms on your hips, move your elbows back so that with your body, your arm creates a 45 degree angle (or whatever feels comfortable). i thought i’d look like a fool doing this… like some stiff, barbie-doll model but it’s starting to feel natural! i can’t wait to take more pictures tomorrow…

also, an old friend of mine, whom i kind of feel out of loop with during high school (though we ALWAYS happily chat when we run into each other) has been struggling with a combination of anorexia and exercise bulimia and has to be home-schooled now. i’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, because i want to be there for her if i can or at least provide some kind words. any advice? i saw her today and asked her how she was and she, chipper as always, replied that she was really good… 😦

i mean, i get it. i obviously get it– wanting to be thin. i don’t think i’m above her or anything AT ALL. that would simply be hypocritical. but i like to think that i know when to stop… i mean, when i was low 90s i was getting kind of freaked, but she must have 0-4% body fat at this point. she’s much worse off than me right now, so i feel like i should do whatever i can, because she’s always been kind to me… and she’s just one of those people who makes the world a better place!

so yes, any suggestions… because this is such a fragile topic.

now, as crude as i know it seems, i need to indulge in some sort of inspirational pictures, but i’ll keep it brief, because i don’t feel quite right about it knowing that my friend who’s suffering, and my other friend who’s been suffering even longer, probably looked at similiar pictures… maybe even saw the same ones.

not that i blame the pictures; not everyone who looks at a model develops an ED… ED’s appear to be hereditary to a large extent. i know mine is.

i need to stop ranting.

you know what? no photos on this post. i’ll put some on a separate post; i just feel too weird about it.

more pictures!!! and other stuff

do you ever look around your school/ workplace/ neighborhood and notice all of these people who look better than you? i know i do. and thanks to facebook, i get to notice them A LOT because these people just love posting pictures of themselves.

which is vain, i suppose, though i wonder if i’d do the same if i looked like they did.

the bikini pictures get me the most. i mean, these are real people the i know… not people whose pictures i found by typing “thinspo” into Google images… and they look so much better than me that it’s crazy.

because i know i don’t look bad. i know that. i’m not anywhere close to being overweight.

maybe that’s it. i know that i’m close, so i keep asking myself why i can’t just go a little further and be proud of how i look in pictures and real life.

especially pictures… i think there’s something wrong with my mirror, because i’ll look at myself and think good things, and then i’ll see pictures of myself from that same day later and thing whaaat? what happened?

do you know what i mean? it’s like some cruel optical illusion. 😦

so here are the promised pictures:

^^^ i want arms like these

^^^ i love this dress! anyone know where i can get one like it?

^^^ i LOVE her. so pretty.

^^^ can these please be my legs?

huh. her face kind of looks like mine. her hair kind of looks like mine too. but her body? ha!

anyhow, yesterday i was kind of trying to hint to my friend that i have an ED because i was bored and because i hoped she would be supportive.

i said, “when i was a sophmore i didn’t eat for three weeks.”

and then she started going off about how she knows because one time she fit into a small.

i kept my cool, but really??? i was trying to talk to her about something serious and she just made light of it.

needless to say, when i try again to talk to someone about this, it WON’T be her.

i’m sorry for this long post, but i just have a quick Q: how can one gain ten pounds in a week while eating the same amount she’s been eating? because last week, my weight went from 92 to 100.

ok, so that’s 8 pounds, but how is that possible? can bloating alone cause it?

and why, this week, am i 102???

i’m kind of flipped out here, because i really changed NOTHING and i was doing so, so well… 😦

at least yesterday was good. i was so busy with my friends after school that i only ended up eating 600 calories, which is low for my taste, but it’s better than high.

maybe socializing is the key to weight loss. maybe that’s why all those “popular” girls from my school are so skinny…

“because it’s funny”

so i don’t know how the heck i managed this– i guess it must have been saturday’s getting-back-on-track high– but i got my mother to buy me the book skinny bitch. in the actual bookstore. sure, i could have just ordered it online when i got home but we were in the bookstore and it was on one of the special release shelves and i was pumped up from eating some really tasty chinese food at dinner… and i just kind of picked it up and started walking with it.

and then we were looking at all the books we’d accumulated and she said why would you want that? all suspiciously– because in her mind i’m just so skinny that if i lose another ounce i’ll die. (uh huh. right) and so i said, because it’s funny. and it IS. but that’s not why i want it…

and then i also got this anorexia/ bulimia diary on the sale shelf (excellent! i LOVE a good sale) i just said, wow! this should be interesting. but that one i kind of DID hide in our pile of books… 😉

i don’t know. that was quite the feat for me!!!

i had a dream

… last night. i was going to a school function (some senior class/ graduation thing) and i saw this really nice teacher i had sophmore year (she still says hi to me, etc. even though i wasn’t interested in her subject). i told her that i wanted to leave because only people who i really dislike were there and we started talking and she was like, “wait… did you lose weight? you’re so skinny!” and the teacher next to he was like, “yeah. you are!” and something about my arms. it was flattering, but also slightly accusatory so i just said, “i’ve been running a lot” which wasn’t/ isn’t true.

i woke up feeling happy 🙂

any dream interpreters out there care to take a gander at what this means?

is this true?

i read online that these colors represent these things (for lack of a better word):

Red: Anoerexia
Purple: Bulimia
Green: fasting at that time
Black: Si (self injury)
Blue: depression
Pink: ednos (eating disorder not yet specified)
Orange: SIer (self injuryier)
Orange and White: recovered SIer
Turqoise-Overweight/Obese
Ana Recovery-Red and Black
Mia Recovery-purple and black
cutter recovery-blue and black
ednos recovery-black/green/blue
orange or black = self harm
yellow = suicidal
blue or green = depression
green = manic/bipolar depression
teal = anxiety disorder + ocd + panic disorder

i mean, i knew the basics (though i was under the impression that bulimia is blue), but the rest of these symbolic colors are completely foreign to me. has anyone else heard of this?

my tribute to audrey tautou

i’m anxiously awaiting for her new movie, coco avant chanel, to come out in the us, so i’ve decided to post some pictures of the wonderful actress as a tribute to her. i think that some of the pictures may be from the new film:

i LOOOVE this picture! it might just be my favorite of her…

in hors de prix

from coco (yay!)

da vinci code

she’s so gorgeous! i wish i looked like her…

anyway, i have a lot more pictures, but apparently the file type isn’t compatible with wordpress (?) so i’ll have to try to work something out.

my poem’s been published!

yay!

check it out: http://prunfriendly.wordpress.com/

julia frakes thinspiration

i love the bag!

and i adore the color of her hair 🙂

… and her colorful tights (i wish i could pull those off…)

ugh. julia frakes is so awesome. she has a super cool job, super cool style, AND she’s really skinny. (though maybe a bit too skinny…) and she’s really pretty imo. i love the whole pixie/ elf look. it’s something that i envy. (is that weird?)

little black dress or little red bracelet?

i made a new bracelet because i was in the car for a while and i was bored 🙂

my camera is crap, so the pictures are crap, but this is my new ana bracelet. (i now have 3!!!) 🙂

i have beads, but i decided not to put any on because i’m afriad of being too obvious, now that normal people are catching on to the whole red-beaded-bracelet thing.

what do you think?

EDIT: you know what? the first person who orders a bracelet gets the bracelet (that she/he ordered) free! 🙂